Are You Making THIS Self-Sabotaging Mistake?

We hope you're having a yummy week!


Have you ever consciously thought about how some words invite people to connect with us, and other words invite people to move away from us, or even against us?

It seems obvious on one level. "I love you" certainly feels better than "I hate you".

But it becomes less obvious, and even downright confounding when we, for example, use the "wrong" words to talk about our feelings.

Even though we might not think of it this way – for most of us, feelings are something that we want to share. We have that drive in order to get connection and also to get some help addressing the issue around which the feelings are coming up. Yet, often, even if we head into a constructive conversation with the best intentions, things get heated and defensive and argumentative pretty quickly.

This sort of exchange can have us wondering if it's even worth it to try and communicate. If it always goes poorly, then what's the point? 

But really, the truth is, we've all been done a great disservice.

Because emotional learning has not been as highly valued as reading, writing, and arithmetic – even in our long educational tenure most of us were not taught how emotion works, or how to work with it. So we're left to glean our knowledge from Hollywood, social media, and our parents, where we're taught words for feelings that are not actually feelings. These words tend to cause trouble instead of building connection.

Here are some narrative words that get treated as feelings but are not feelings words:

• Ignored, Neglected, Left Out

• Betrayed, Disrespected, Done Wrong

• Invisible, Unheard, Misunderstood

• Coerced, Manipulated, Controlled

• Blamed, Maligned, Made the bad guy

These words may absolutely describe valid experiences. But when we use them to try and get empathy and cooperation, we‘re usually met with defensiveness, excuses, and/or confusion instead.


Here's a classic unsuccessful dialogue:

• Person 1: "I feel totally neglected when you do that."

• Person 2: "What? What are you even talking about? I don't neglect you. I spent all day with you today." (Gets further away.)

If we want to have a meaningful conversation, and have a chance at connection, we want to find the feelings embedded in the narrative words.

For example – when we have the experience of being ignored, we may feel sadness, anger, disappointment, loneliness, and/or other feelings.

When we have the experience of not receiving respect, we may feel resentment, confusion, exasperation, and/or other feelings.
yah

 

Narrative words:

are more likely to activate the Survival System in the person we're sharing with – resulting in reactions like Fight, Flight, Freeze, or Appease.
 

Feelings words:

usually resonate in the Emotional System in the person we're sharing with – allowing for empathy, connection, and compassion.


A Dialogue that is More Likely to Succeed:

• Person 1: "When I have the experience of someone not answering me when I call their name, I feel a lot of sadness and loneliness."

• Person 2: "Oh darn. That makes sense. Did that just happen?" (Comes closer.)

What other narrative words can you think of, that often get employed as feelings? 

Would you like to play around with your word choice and see what happens? Let us know how it goes!

We do group coaching to workshop dialogues like this in our upcoming Better at Boundaries Masterclass. If that sounds like something you could use (empathy and guidance in how to ace boundaries dialogues with your people), we'd love for you to join us!

A quick tap on that lovely blue button below will take you to all the details.


We're cheering for you!

Love,
Natalie and Nathan
 

Click Here to Find out More

Participating in the Better at Boundaries Masterclass offered by the The Center for Emotional Education has been a deeply empowering experience. The insight, which Natalie and Nathan offer in this course, comes in an incredibly well structured and highly engaging form. It is at once accessible and complex.

I was able to integrate that which we worked with during the course into my own life immediately. 
- Hanna

What Does Emotionally Sovereign Dating Look Like?

How's it going in your neck of the woods?
(BTW, what the heck is a "neck" in the context of "the woods"?)

We just got this question in our in-box and thought it would be fun and informative to share our answer with you...

Dear EQ,

I’m dating, and finding that I’m having a lot of great conversations with a lot of different people. But, I wait until my dates say or do something I don’t like, and that tells me where to look for the cracks as I develop my list of things that aren’t going to work for me. No wonder it stops being fun after two or three dates.

I’d like to learn to be more constructive from the start, and to really know what I’m looking for instead of just waiting for that point at which a person starts to get on my nerves.

What does neuroemotionally informed dating look like? 

Signed,
Out There Again and Wanting to Get it Right
 

What a fantastic question!

We're answering this question in depth in this week's meetup of Dear EQ, What Do I Do?, (which we are now offering for only $13 per month!), but we thought we'd share the first part of our answer here for all to enjoy! 
 

Answer Part 1: Brain States may be at play!

Let's face it, for many of us, going on a date to meet someone new can be a bit stressful. Stress, especially social stress, when we don't know how to deal with it or don't remember that we can support ourselves around it, can send us straight into Survival Mode.
 

If we could peer inside the brain in a moment like this...

We'd see two worm-like things with an almond shape at the end. These "almonds" are our amygdalae. One of their jobs is be on the lookout for danger, and when they sense it, neurotransmitters cue our kidneys to secrete cortisol and adrenaline. As soon as these chemicals enter our bloodstream, our heart rate speeds up, our blood starts to get diverted in case we need to run or fight, and our whole system is now prepared to identify threat and defend against it.
 

For those of us who didn't get enough support around social interactions in our past, this chain reaction can happen on a date!

Although our intention is to meet someone new and have a good time, if our nervous system is on an entirely different neurochemical page where each potential flaw in our date is read as potential danger, then any further flaws are read as confirmation of danger! Before we know it, on auto-pilot, we've ruled this person out completely. Later, when we make the Executive decision to no longer see them, we're just rationalizing what our Survival System already decided.
 

In moments like these, our amygdalae are inadvertently protecting us from the "danger" of being vulnerable and intimate, even if we actually want to be vulnerable and intimate!

If we suspect that our Survival System is doing our dating for us, we can interrupt this habit with simple nervous system regulation techniques, like a Regulating Breath. (This is when we do a quickish, full inhale, and then a long, slow, complete exhale.)

If we can keep up this breath for several rounds and then return to it periodically during our date, we may find that we either find fewer faults in our partner, and/or we are able to relax, enjoy the parts we like, and trust ourselves that, down the road, if there truly isn't compatibility, we'll take good care of ourselves. 

We hope this gets you started on your Emotionally Sovereign dating journey!
 

If you're interested in hearing Part 2 of our answer, join us for this week's Dear EQ, What Do I Do?!

Much love,
Natalie and Nathan

 

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(Now at the new, amazing rate of just $13 US!)

Do THIS to Set Boundaries that Actually Work

How are things going in your world? (We're not asking as a rhetorical device, feel free to let us know! And also...)

Want to hear a billion dollar product idea?

A divorced co-parents app that automates some kind of punishment when the other parent fails to follow through on an agreement they made. They suddenly change the holiday schedule with no warning? An automatic, meaningful deduction is extracted from their bank account.

The market for this product is all the parents that have tried to construct logical, compassionate, legal parenting plans, and still their ex-spouse fails to follow the agreements, and routinely ignores structures and boundaries. Billion dollar idea, right?!

(Let us know when you've got that app built and we'll help spread the word! ;) )

In a recent coaching session, a parent in this exact situation was exasperated by the fact that even when she has very clear boundaries with her co-parent, he conveniently forgets them, or simply steps right over them.

Have you ever experienced this with boundaries?

It can seem so fraught...  

Perhaps we communicate a boundary around late-night messaging or calling. Then sure enough, sometimes even the very next day, the person rings us up at 11:30pm. It can bring up irritation and anger and resentment!

Or, maybe we're very clear about how we want to be spoken to. Our wishes are respected for a couple conversations, but then lo and behold, the next time things get heated, here come the inappropriate words and harsh tone. So much frustration and indignation and humiliation can come up!

Our culture encourages us, admonishes us, to set boundaries for how we want to be treated, but then "real-life" comes sauntering along and trounces our attempts.

Want to know why our boundaries may be ignored?
 

Boundaries are structures that work when we set them for ourselves, not for other people.

When we set boundaries for other people, like:

• You can't call after 9pm

• You can't talk to me that way

• You can't come into my house when you drop off our child

...we have no way of ensuring that they are considered and respected. We are dependent upon the other person to:

1. Remember our boundaries. 

2. Care about our boundaries. And then

3. Put our boundaries before their own impulses. 

(All of which is particularly tricky because generally we are only trying to enforce our boundaries with people who already do not care enough about our needs to make them a high priority in their life!)

When we flip these boundaries around, and set them for ourselves, like:

• I turn off my phone after 9pm

• I kindly but firmly pause conversations if the tone or words are outside my comfort and capacity

• I do child transfers in public places

...then we are in charge of whether or not they are remembered and respected and no longer have to wait and hope that the other person does. 

It's a mystery to us as to why this kind of boundary-making isn't the norm! 

These kinds of boundaries have worked so well for us over the years that we built a whole masterclass about it, the Better at Boundaries Masterclass. This is a weekend workshop where you can build your own boundaries around issues and topics of your choice. (Click the button below for more info!)

Having a clear sense of what our boundaries are, and for ourselves, is such a beautiful form of self-love. We can head into any situation or any relationship with confidence because we already know how we will nurture and take excellent care of ourselves.

What kinds of boundaries have you been tinkering with? We'd love to hear about them and cheer you on!


Much love to you, friend,
Natalie and Nathan

 

Learn More About Better at Boundaries Masterclass

How to Stop Yelling AT, and Start Yelling Feelings

We're sending you this letter today in the hopes that something is feeling good for you – even if, at the moment, it's just your powerful ability to be with yourself in what's not feeling good!

A really common thing that doesn't feel good is when we yell at someone we love.

Often we don't even see it coming. Before we know it, words we wouldn't ordinarily choose are flying out of our mouths at top-speed and top-volume. In the moment it feels absolutely unstoppable, and later it feels absolutely unacceptable.
 

Have you experienced this, too? So many of us have...

It used to happen for us, far more than we liked, but... we found a way to use our Emotional Sovereignty tools to break the habit of yelling at our kids, and at one another, and we want to share our Hot Tip with you!
 

Our hot tip for breaking the yelling habit? 

Stop Yelling AT, and Start Yelling Feelings

You see, there is something very real happening behind the scenes when we yell at someone we love – we are reaching a neuroemotional tipping point!

When we yell we are either:

• experiencing an acute, momentary overload of emotional discomfort

or

• experiencing milder emotional discomfort that has been allowed to accumulate over time, and has now reached a critical mass

When this happens our Emotional System determines that conditions are no longer safe and our processing shifts to the Survival System. Whenever we process from here, the only possible reactions are:
Fight
Flight
Freeze
Appease

And you guessed it! When we have the sense that we're unable to stop ourselves from yelling at someone we love, we're likely operating from Survival Fight. In this state, we do not have access to enough restraint, logic, compassion, or any of the values that guide us to take more benevolent actions.
 

So what do we do?

We take that Survival Fight drive to yell at someone, and we replace it with the emotionally supportive (and Emotionally Sovereign) tactic of yelling feelings instead.

Instead of yelling at them:

WHY THE HECK DID YOU JUST DO THAT?!?!? ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?"

Try just yelling:

I FEEL A LOT OF FRUSTRATION AND CONFUSION RIGHT NOW!
(And then sigh...)

Instead of yelling at them:
GO TO YOUR ROOM! I CAN'T EVEN TALK TO YOU RIGHT NOW.

Try just yelling:
I FEEL SO MUCH ANGER RIGHT NOW! I'M HAVING A HARD TIME THINKING OF WHAT TO SAY.
(And then sigh...)


Naming feelings (even yelling feelings!) works to reduce emotional intensity and get the ball rolling on feeling better. Often it isn't yet neurochemically available to us to stop the yelling habit. The drive to yell is survival-based and urgent. But we can take that urge and yell something that:

• causes less harm to our relationships (if any at all)

• helps to reduce our emotional load and invite a neurochemical shift

• builds Emotional Sovereignty

Over time, if we keep up this practice, our loved ones will come to appreciate this kind of yelling. Though our words may come at a high volume, they also come with less of a sense of attack (which usually invites a counterattack!) and tend to decrease the emotional pressure within the family system as a whole. When we yell like this, our loved ones start to understand that a beneficial turning point in the conflict has been reached.
 

If we really keep this up, the whole family will yell feelings instead of yelling at each other!

Soon, instead of:

MOM! WHY DID YOU GET RID OF THE THING I WAS USING!?

You may hear:
MOM! I FEEL PANIC! I CAN'T FIND MY THING!

See how much better that feels?

 

Just one little caveat when using this strategy...

In order to get the full neuroemotional benefit, and in order to actually reduce tension and conflict, t's crucial that we use nouns when we name our feelings instead of adjectives.


Instead of, I feel:
Frustrated
Irritated
Annoyed
Exasperated

Try, I feel:
Frustration
Irritation
Annoyance
Exasperation

In this context, nouns invite a shift in neurochemistry and empathy, whereas adjectives tend to invite defensiveness and disconnection. 

Our full feelings list can be found here.


Try yelling feelings, and then give us a shout to let us know how it is for you!


Here's to wishing you better feeling yells, from our family to yours.

Much love,
Natalie and Nathan

 

ps. If you want more tips and tricks for handling conflict... 
 

You may want to check out our upcoming Better at Boundaries Masterclass happening May 4th and 5th!

Learn More About Better at Boundaries Masterclass

How We Vacation So That We Don't Need A Vacation After Our Vacation

Felicitations!

We hope your Spring is unfolding just right for you. We have some green coming back into our landscape! What changes are you enjoying in your season?

We're feeling major thankfulness for the green to ease our transition back from the tropical climes of Mexico to the northern latitudes of Montana!

Our family trip was phenomenal. Which doesn't mean we felt only bliss – no way! But we did set ourselves up for serious success by meeting our needs as much as possible in the lead up and each day. And, we did make time to process feelings every day, so we had room to follow our bliss, and so that even when things were uncomfy, we could draw comfort from emotional support.

Want some examples of this kind of vacationing?
You betcha!
 

Money Planning

Needs met: Predictability, Ease, Reassurance, Security, Safety, Fun, and more.

One of the coolest things we did was set aside money, every month, so that by the time our feet hit the ground in Mexico the whole trip (including spending money while we were there) was already paid for. This meant that we pulled out enough pesos for the week as soon as we arrived, and never gave money a second thought. What a fun relief!

With our wad of pesos we slipped into a taxi that took us to a tiny beach. From there we walked down a rickety, twisty, missing-planks "pier" and got into a tiny boat that was co-captained by a 10-year old.

Off we went for 30 minutes, over 6-foot waves.

Nearly drenched and smiling with wonder we arrived at a tiny, remote village. 

Info Gathering and Sharing

Needs met: Information, Communication, Connection, Knowing, Learning, Faith, and more.

We read so much before we left! We watched Youtube videos about navigating "The Shark Tank" – the corridor of aggressive timeshare salespeople that you must pass through on your way out of the Puerto Vallarta airport. We scoured the welcome emails our host sent us. We read blog posts from 2012! And we passed all of this information on to our kids so that they were prepared and knew what to expect each step of the way.

We were also lucky that our friends arrived one day before us and relayed even more details. Heaven!

From the pier we walked up through the narrow streets of the pueblo (barely wide enough for a burro or an atv – zero cars!), winding past tiny shops, and restaurants, petting dogs, saying hi to cats, and out into the jungle, where we climbed 117, or 159 steps (depending on which kid you ask) until we got to "our place".

Help

Needs met: Support, Pleasure, Food, Pacing, Ease, Comfort, and more.

When our host asked if we wanted to pay a little more to have the fridge stocked before our arrival, we said, Yes!

When he also asked if we wanted dinner delivered on our first night, we also said, Yes! 

The fridge and pantry had coffee, sugar, butter, eggs, cheese, fruit, milk, bread, juice, granola, guacamole, ceviche, banana pie, banana bread, cookies, and local chocolate. :)

That first night we lounged in hammocks with cats (ok, we did this every day, but it was especially delicious that first evening). Our friends came over, we ate local quesadillas and burritos, and we laughed until it was pitch-black, jungle dark.

Pace

Needs met: Freedom, Discovery, Grace, Agency, Autonomy, Healing, Time, and more.

We had one plan for the week – ride horses to the waterfall. Other than that, we were open to simply being in that location. We sat on a stone wall in town, swang in a hammock looking at a tree, dug in the sand, petted the town dogs, talked to a neighbor – just living.

Simplicity

Needs met: Rest, Appreciation, Authenticity, Beauty, Celebration, Enjoyment, Flexibility, Peace, and more.

The nature of this trip meant we only brought a backpack each. (Good thing, because we would have missed our connection after Customs if we hadn't been able to grab our carry-on and run!) We noted the lack of variety in our outfit options, but it felt amazing and adventurous to keep it simple.

The palapa where we stayed had basically no walls. No walls! The roosters started crowing at 5am, then the marine and tropical jungle birds kicked in at dawn, and then a group of giant brown pheasants that like to wrestle(?) and make a metallic screech, descended on the mango tree at around 7am. We didn't love every sound, but we loved being a part of it – right in the midst of the living world.

And with no plans and a slow pace it meant that we were still. We researched the loud birds, we read our books, we sipped our beverages, but a lot of the time we just sat and looked at the view.

Connection

Needs met: Empathy, Trust, Understanding, Support, Self-expression, Connection, Honesty, and more.

It's important to note, that within and between each of these scenic shots, were feelings! 

At literally every turn, we were making space to co-process, both, our blissful and uncomfortable emotions.

Tears, hugs, empathy, and connection were needed around things like:

• Mosquito bites

• Blisters

• The pace of someone else

• The desire to not sit in a restaurant

• The desire to sit in a restaurant

• Beach chairs

• Routes

• A tarantula

• A scorpion

• Not being allowed to flush toilet paper (anywhere in the village!)

• Having to leave

• Missing people

• Our friends departing

• Smoky nachos

• How much we liked it there

• Colonialism

• Capitalism

• Racism

• Tadpoles

• Coatimundi

• Belonging

• Leaving

Trust

Needs met: Fun, Adventure, Play, Exploration, Novelty, Shared Experience, and more.

Upon our return we thanked our kids for being so "game" for this adventure, and they said, "We really trust you to take good care of us, so it was easy to just go for it.".

Gosh, that was wonderful to hear.

We're already pretty convinced, but it all seemed to underscore that when:

• our needs are met

• we get support around our feelings when our needs are not met

it's like having a passport to anywhere in the world. We have natural confidence, boldness, curiosity, adventurousness, and willingness to explore when we can trust that we will be taken care of, and/or trust that we will take good care of ourselves.

The simplicity of that is pretty compelling for us...



Thanks for coming along for this vacation recap! 

We love having the opportunity to share with you because it gives us a good chance to reflect and note for ourselves what works for us and what doesn't! And we hope to offer you some inspiration, too!
 

We'd love to know, which needs stood out as important to you?

And,
 

What kind of adventure would you be capable of, and interested in, if your needs were met?

Much Love,
Natalie and Nathan

You May be New to the Center for Emotional Education

Here's what's coming up next:

Community Release Ritual
Monthly Opportunity to get help Expressing Emotion
___________________________________________________

Dear EQ, What Do I Do?
Emotionally Intelligent Ideas for Life's Challenges
Monthly Support
___________________________________________________

Complimentary "Feel Better Already" Strategy Session

Am I Doing It Wrong?

We hope your day is cruising along smoothly, and that you're getting a chance to take a breather now and again.

Recently we've been noticing how something as simple as getting an answer to a question can act like a mini-breather. It's so supportive to get an answer to a question!

One of us (we won't say who...) recently texted our family group text to ask this:
 

Guys, what does the green swan emoji mean?

And our kids had mountains of fun – sending a million LMAOs and crying-laughing emojis. Because, as it turns out, there isn't a green swan emoji, there is a SNAKE emoji. And explaining, to a very-clueless parent, what it means and when to use it, was also extremely hilarious.

But the point is, one of us (we won't say who) had a question that was bothering them, and got an extremely useful answer!


So in that spirit, here are some top questions we receive, and our answers:
 

1. I’m doing Survival Support Strategies but I’m still crying and having a hard time. Am I doing it wrong?

When we use any Survival Support Strategy, like a Regulating Breath (quickish full inhales, and long, slow exhales), it often acts as a portal to feelings! We shift out of Survival Mode and into Emotional Mode. Sometimes, that shift is into feelings of relief, or gratitude, or peace; and other times the shift is into worry, remorse, or yearning, and the like...

It makes a lot of sense that through regulating we may end up with more feelings. Because we aren’t necessarily regulating to squash feelings or make them go away. We're using Survival Support Strategies to prove to the nervous system that we're safe. It's totally natural and part of the overall integration of our experiences to then go into expressing feelings, now that we are safe.

(Caveat: Sometimes all we have time for is regulation, but it’s important to circle back to feelings when we can.)
 

2. When my partner is having a big emotional discharge do I just keep calm? 

Short answer, yes, stay in regulation. (That way you don't mistakenly signal threat to your partner's nervous system...)
And, if you can, reach for empathy and curiosity as well. 
Empathy: "Oh shoot, that sounds hard." or "I get that." or "I totally hear you."
Curiosity: "Want to say more?" or "What's that part like?" or "What else?"
Then, repeat.

There's obviously a lot more we could say about this part, but that's a key place to start...
 

3. I try empathizing with my child but they just fight back and run away. Why is it not working? 

Likely your child was experiencing more Survival reactivity, than Emotional activity. (Even though it may have seemed like a pretty emotional display.) Empathy is a great tool for co-processing feelings, but not generally welcome to someone experiencing Survival reactivity. We call this ""not talking to the part of the brain that's driving".

This happens! (Even those of us who've been studying brain states for years, still misread certain people's signals or in certain moments... And when we people don't even know about it, it's just happening all over the place without being noticed for what it is.)

When it does happen, and we get an adverse reaction, we can just consider this as information, and switch gears by speaking to the part of the brain that is currently driving. In this case, you'd want to switch to using Survival Support Strategies for yourself, and this will impact the neurochemistry of your nearby child over a little bit of time.
 

4. What about empaths? We feel other people's stuff!

Yes, absolutely. Emotional Coherence is what we call it. It's real and it can be uncomfortable. We see it this way: Whether or not the feeling was originally ours, it’s in our body now. So it’s our responsibility to tend to it in our own body/nervous system. Luckily, this work is designed so that no matter where the emotion comes from, we can begin to have the capacity for it in our system.
 

5. What does it look and feel like to be Emotionally Sovereign?

We like to think of it as an ongoing journey of becoming Emotionally Sovereign rather than a place one arrives. So while there is no perfect endgame, many of us do get to enjoy more time IN Emotional Sovereignty than we used to.

We define it as: Knowing what to do when emotion arises so we don’t get sent into Survival Mode. We are sovereign in our ability to take care of our emotional selves. This can include knowing how to ask for support as well as knowing how to support ourselves. With the simple power of being able to work with our brain states – we're afforded the awesome superpower of being able to go anywhere, and do anything, and trust our self to get through it.

That's Emotional Sovereignty.


We hope these Qs and As help you out!

If you have questions that you'd like answered, or, you want the satisfaction of hearing other people get their questions answered, join us in our next meet up of Dear EQ, What Do I Do?. March 28 at 11am Pacific.


Much love,
Natalie and Nathan

Where's The Flip Flop?

Hello again from sometimes sunny again Southwestern Montana!

What's your week looking like?

This week is Spring Break for us and we're going on a trip.

Which, of course, means feelings. 

1. Our youngest is in her second-to-last year of high school. Next year she's likely going to want to spend her Spring Break with her friends and not with her parents. (They likely will pitch some kind of road trip that involves a sketchy car and some barely-thawed-to-suddenly-blizzarding mountain passes.) So this may be our last chance for the classic American Spring Break as a family.
Feelings coming up around this: nostalgia, sadness, worry, grief

2. Our trip involves: a 6am flight, two planes, currency exchange, taxi rides, a water ferry, and a long walk carrying backpacks – up.
Feelings: uncertainty, anxiety, excitement, dread, caution

3. Before we're even on the plane there is a full work week and several, dangling, important projects to complete. A daily workout would also be nice, as well as sit down dinners and some chill time. But a Costco trip is essential. A meeting with our house sitter needs to be squeezed in, too. And there's also all the stuff I'm leaving out and forgetting right now...
Feelings: overwhelm, exasperation, agitation, dread, exhaustion

4. You should also know, dear reader, that our floor needs a sweep and a vacuum. Returning from vacation to a cluttered, and actually dirty house, is a real buzzkill. So that's a thing. Is there space and time for cleaning before we go? Doesn't seem like it.
Feelings: bleh, disappointment, stress, dislike

5. Flip flops. Or water shoes, or sandals. You know what's going to happen, right? We'll make a herculean effort to complete a superhuman list of tasks and then, with hours to go before departure, somebody is going to say they don't have the other flip flop, or _________ (insert inconvenient item here).
Feelings: irritation, stress, pre-anxiety

6. An email just came in from our host. We can expect fresh fruit, fresh ceviche, warm weather, a view of the ocean, aaannnd two bonus cats that come with the airbnb.
Feelings: pleasure, gratitude, excitement

7. Our friends got a neighboring airbnb. We've known them over 20 years...They're looking forward to making palm frond hats. We'll eat food and sit on the beach together.
Feelings: delight, affection, enthusiasm, wonder

8. We've never taken a vacation like this. 
Feelings: Awe, gratitude, amazement

9. People don't have homes, others are being bombed... Some people have lost all their children. For many others the idea of a break, or a trip, or a chance to relax is not available to them.
Feelings: shame, guilt, distraction, self-consciousness
 

That's the thing about feelings. They are here. No matter what.

Isn't it astounding that such a wide range can simultaneously occur in any given moment??

What about you, friend?
 

What are the bullet points of your week? And what feelings do you notice?

(It's such a tender and potent service to ourselves to be still and present with what's true for us right now, and to make the opportunity to listen to our current narratives and name the emotions we feel coming up around them...)


Much love to you – as always,

Natalie and Nathan

Say It

We're sending you some peaceful vibes today.
Do you need some of those?

Seems like a lot of us do, right now...

That's why we have a Hot Tip for those times when we find ourselves having very not-peaceful feelings.

As many of you may have heard us mention before, here at the Center for Emotional Education we focus on three main networks in the brain:

• The Survival System – in charge of keeping us alive

• The Emotional System – in charge of our emotional experience

• The Executive System – in charge of executing a full and authentic life

We focus on these because when we have the right tools for the right brain state, then we can be in charge of:

• Our sense of safety

• How we feel

• What we do with our magnificent potential

We teach entire programs about this topic! So if you're interested in the ability to regularly move efficiently out of a Survival Mode, gently through Emotional Mode, and get back to the business of being your awesome YOU in Executive Mode, then you might want to put our summer program, Emotional Sovereignty School, on your wish list, and build that expert fluency!
 

But we like to regularly share a Hot Tip that can help even before we're fluent in neuroemotional maintenance.

Today's Hot Tip is.... Say It

To help ourselves move out of Survival Mode, it helps to tend to the needs of the body. However, many of us do some breathing, take a bath, drink some tea, and we feel better, but we don't feel better enough.

That's because when we exit Survival Mode, we enter Emotional Mode.

The Emotional System speaks a different language entirely. Because the Emotional System generates and experiences emotion, if we want to feel better, we need to move that emotion through – to metabolize the emotion in our system – digest it, process it, and empty it out of us.
 

The quickest and simplest way to increase our Emotional Capacity and feel better is to say your feelings out loud.

As soon as you notice you're feeling something find a way to SAY IT:

• Print out our feelings list and start circling your current feelings while you name them aloud.

• Grab your journal, or a scrap of paper, and start free-writing. When you're done, circle the feelings and say them out loud.

• Record a voice message, naming everything you're feeling in this moment, then listen to it!

Want to feel even better?
Find a way to say it to someone else.

• Send your voice message to a trusted ally.

• Call a friend and ask if they have time to hear your list of woes.

The Emotional System is designed for connection. When we are heard and understood by another human being, our ability to be with and process feelings increases exponentially. When the other person doesn't try to talk us out of our feelings, and instead they show curiosity and empathy, there is palpable, almost immediate relief from our emotional discomfort.
 

Don't have someone you trust? You can call us.

We (Natalie and Nathan), are the founders of the Center for Emotional Education. We create and facilitate our trainings, but we also maintain a 1:1 practice and have clients we adore, all over the world.

Kate and Nina were the inspiration for both our Coach Training and our Certification program. These two started as avid clients looking to support themselves and their children, but they were so intrigued, so enthusiastic, and so ready to take this work further, that they inspired us to develop programs to train others. Kate and Nina are incredible people, and stellar coaches. They now work with the Center, expertly coaching their own beloved clients. 

Goose, Lauren, and Sue are our newest coaches! These three are some of the hardest working folks we know. We don't contract with every coach that graduates from our Certification program. Some people fill up with the knowledge and expertise and go their own merry way, others aren't necessarily a match with our mission, but we knew right away that we wanted to work with Goose, Lauren, and Sue. They are diligent scholars, with incredible compassion, and they are a perfect match for our community.

Feelings are happening for all of us.
 

The world is not okay right now.
It's normal to not feel okay about it.

 We all need opportunities to let out emotion.

Try out the Hot Tip: Say it!, and let us know if you can feel the difference in your system.

And if you'd like to "Say It" to someone else, we'd like to offer you a complimentary Feel Better Already Strategy Session*.

Pick the coach that you gravitate toward, click their photo, and sign up for your personal session. You'll have the opportunity to vent and be heard and witnessed. You'll also have a chance to see what else is possible for you.


We're here for you!


Much love,
Natalie and Nathan

*New clients only please. 

Am I Fickle?

How you doin' over there in your world?  

Over here, we're feeling some relief that March has begun. February was not a vibe. Do you agree?

But today we saw a robin together, and felt some sunshine. That makes a world of difference! 

And... in this more playful mood, we're wondering...
 

Have you ever thought of yourself as fickle?

Here's a scenario. (Try it on for yourself and then circle back to the fickle question.)
 

You're folding some washcloths and your partner comes along and playfully slaps you on the bum!

Do you react the same way every time? 
Often we think so, until we start looking at specific examples...
 

Many of us can swing dramatically in our reactions to situations like this.
Here's why:

Our nervous system acts as an interpreter between the brain and the body. It constantly takes in information, translates it, and passes it onward from one source to the other. It's ability to do all it's daily translations is affected by the following factors:

• How nourished or undernourished we are

• How hydrated or dehydrated we are

• What our energy level is like

• How much Emotional Capacity we have

• How much Emotional Resilience is on board

These factors also invite us into one of three brain states:

• Survival

• Emotional

• Executive

 
A second set of factors also affect how our nervous system translates information going back and forth between the brain and body:

• The concepts we have in place about this particular thing (in this case, a specific kind of physical contact on specific body part in a specific context).

• The variety and nature of historical involvement we have with this category of experience.

• The stories we tell about our self on this topic.

Guess how much time passes between the slap and all this nervous system factoring?
 

Less than a second!
In fact, most of the time, the nervous system is prepared by the brain ahead of time based on the current state of the factors above.
 

And then, just as rapidly, before we react another operation takes place.

Depending on the Brain State in which we find ourselves, some of our concepts, history, and stories will rush to the forefront, and others will recede from view.

• Our Survival System will likely call forth the concepts, history, and stories that show a playful slap to the bum as anything but playful and generally frame it as BAD.
   

• Our Emotional System will likely call forth the concepts, history, and stories that show the same playful slap as EMOTIONALLY COMPLICATED.
   

• Our Executive System will likely call forth the concepts, history, and stories that show that playful slap as playful indeed and whether we're down or not, still generally frame it as POSITIVE.

Add all this up in a split second and what you get is a reaction!

Here's an example:

Each person's concepts, history, and stories will vary, but the biased selection process the Brain State makes is reliable.
 

All of this happens in an instant!

To recap:
• How rested, fueled, capacious, or resilient we are in any given moment invites us to process from a particular Brain State.
• From there we gain access to certain concepts, certain pieces of our history, and certain stories.
• And then we have a correlative reaction.

All of which means that one moment we may HATE a playful slap, and in another moment we might DELIGHT in a playful slap. (If you aren't into playful slaps to the bum in any Brain State, feel free to switch that example out for one that is more appropriate to you.)
 

So, what's the verdict? Are you fickle?

Or are you just a human shifting from one neuroemotional experience to another?

Let us know what you think!


Love,
Natalie and Nathan

We get into this, and SO MUCH MORE, in this weekend's Snuggle Class!

It's not too late to join!

Is It Good Business To Be Yourself?

We hope this finds you well and in a moment of ease.

Mind if we ask you a pretty personal question...?
(If you do, you might want to skip down a bit...)

How often are you being yourself? 
Have you ever wondered what the risks and benefits are for doing so?
(Asking for a friend. Haha)


Last week, our town hosted the Big Sky International Documentary Film Festival. It's amazing. We have participated in one way or another every year for over a decade. 
 

This year we decided to be major grown ups and sponsor the event itself!

- We made a pretty ad for the program that was also blown up on the big screen.
- We got official sponsor passes and vip access to all the events and parties.
- And being the majorly grown up business owners that we are, and following conventional "business wisdom", we went to as many of the events as we could to "network" with like-minded community.

We used all of the tools we teach to show up fully grounded, regulated, and energetically attractive. Again, conventional "business wisdom" would have us shaking hands with 50-100 people in a night, sharing about the amazing work we do, and giving them all an easy way to follow up.
 

But... we didn't follow conventional "business wisdom".

Because, as it turns out, we can only ever be ourselves. 

In fact we are so much ourselves and not in alignment with most conventional "business wisdom" that:

• We didn't take even a single photo.

• We shook around 15 hands – tops.

• We had deep, long, meaningful conversations with a few people, instead of networking.

When asked what we do, we'd say:

We are founders of the Center for Emotional Education. And for the last 17 years now, we've been helping successful people around the world to re-wire their brains to be better at feelings, so they can move from emotional overwhelm to Emotional Sovereignty, and finally have the lives they really want.

And then they'd tell us their story.

When asked what we would recommend for them, we shared an offering from our menu that made sense for their particular circumstances.

Dear EQ,  What do I do? - for a monthly low-investment way to begin re-wiring how their brain relates to feelings.

The Wade-In - for a taste of personalized one-to-one coaching toward re-wiring some particular aspect of their current programming.

The Snuggle Class - for learning concepts and tools to re-wire the nervous system for intimacy.

NeuroEmotional Coach Training - for learning how to support your own clients to re-wire, while re-wiring to better care for yourself. 

Emotional Sovereignty School - for re-wiring to be better at nurturing and healing oneself!

The Real-Life Magic Retreat - for a deluxe, pampered form of collaborative re-wiring that ripples outward into all parts of life, well after the retreat is over (No link yet for this, we're still deciding between St Croix or Costa Rica!)

After these events we'd look at each other and high-five because we were:

• 100% ourselves

• 100% authentic

• 100% regulated

• 100% in connection with the people we met

But we also wondered:

Did we just "do good business"?
Or, as conventional wisdom would tell us, did we just do no business?

 

What do you think?
 

Are you able to be yourself when you want to?

What beliefs, or "conventional wisdom" get in the way of your regulation and authenticity?

Is there ever a good reason to go along with conventional rules of behavior?


We'd love to know what you think!


Much love,
Natalie and Nathan

New Idea for a New Opportunity!

We hope you're sitting in a ray of sunshine at the moment!

This is just a quick note to let you know about a new (and maybe once only) idea we have for people who could not attend NeuroEmotional Coach Training this year. 

We're already in Unit Four of this life-changing course, but we keep hearing from folks that were so ready for this training and, for whatever reason, could not make it work to attend live.

So in the spirit of making NeuroEmotional skills available to as many people as possible, and for the first time ever...
 

we are offering a self-paced home version!

You will get access to the recordings of each class, as we roll them out, and all the support materials (handouts, quick guides, templates, etc) as well. And get a 38% discount on tuition for the course

You can:

• study after the baby goes to bed!

• binge 4 units in a row!

• pause the class and come back after lunch!
   

As in all our offerings, you have access to the course content to review as much as you like – for life.

And if you want to continue on after this training, and get certified with us, the home version will count toward Certification.

Does this sound like something you want?

If so, schedule a quick chat with one of us, we'll answer any questions you may have, and get you set up!

We're offering this new idea at a 38% discount off the normal tuition for the live version of NeuroEmotional Coach Training. And because this is just in service of those who were unable to join us live this year, this offer expires March 1st.

If this is the just right thing for you – fantastic! You can set up a time for us, using the button below, and we'll get you on board.

And in any case, we're cheering you on!


Love,
Natalie and Nathan

Is Your Relationship Healthy? It's Time To Crunch the Numbers

We hope this letter finds you in a cozy moment.

Do you like February, in general?
How's 2024 so far?

We're heading toward Valentine's Day – which is one of those holidays that tends to invite very mixed feelings.

Some people love a day in which to shower their partner with words of affirmation and flowers, while others find a day in which we are forced to buy something generic for our partner absolutely disingenuous.
Some people look forward to this day as a time to celebrate their relationship, and still others cringe at this time of year, not wanting to face the fact that their relationship has drifted off course.

Here at the Center, we like to make room for alllllll the feelings. Taking stock and wading into emotional terrain, with support, is how we build our Emotional Intelligence, shift our neurochemistry, and enjoy a life we have exquisitely designed. 

So in the name of taking stock, and wading into emotional terrain, we proudly introduce our new...

This is a free downloadable worksheet in which you can score your relationship based on 6 main elements: Communication, Conflict, Collaboration, Connection, Touch, and Balance.

Along with your calculator you will also receive 5 letters from us that help you continue to explore and support your relationship.


Let us know how it goes!

What feelings come up when you read back through your answers?

What element stands out as being particularly robust in your relationship?

What element would you like to support further?

We're cheering you on!


Love,
Natalie and Nathan

You May be New to the Center for Emotional Education

Here's what's coming up next:
___________________________________________________

The Snuggle Class
Bringing NeuroEmotional Tools to the Bedroom
___________________________________________________

Dear EQ, What Do I Do?
Emotionally Intelligent Ideas for Life's Challenges
Monthly Support
___________________________________________________

Complimentary "Feel Better Already" Strategy Session
 

What Works On A Plane, Works In The Bedroom

Blessings to you!

How has this past week been?

This week both of us, on two separate trips, got stuck in two separate airplane travel nightmares. Complete with perpetually delaying flights, canceled flights, late-night ride service cruises to random hotels, and even a carpool with complete strangers through the Montana wilderness. One of our planes even made it to the literal airspace over our town, circled for nearly an hour, and then turned around and went aaaallllllll the way back to the departure airport!

You can imagine the uproar on that plane... 

You could see Survival reactivity ripple through the rows up and down the aisle:
• The passengers that lean toward Survival Fight during moments of stress were actually yelling aloud at the pilot (and then the flight attendants, and then fellow passengers!).
• Those that tend toward Survival Flight were instantly booking rental cars, immediately ready to drive 9 hours instead of waiting to find out anything more.
• Passengers that lean toward Survival Freeze truly pulled up their hoodies and went back to sleep.
• People that lean toward Survival Appease were harder to identify, but later after deplaning, one passenger ordered a sandwich by saying: "If it's not too much trouble, do you think I could possibly get a Turkey Club?" 

 

And that, folks playing along at home,
is a Survival Reactivity Bingo!

 

Here at the Center, we typically run longterm comprehensive trainings to help successful people all over the world rewire their brains to be better at feelings, so that they can move from emotional overwhelm to Emotional Sovereignty, and finally have the life of their dreams. But occasionally, we run short intensives applying the same rewiring tools to specific areas. These are stellar for trying out the techniques we teach without committing to a larger investment of time. 

Based on the airplane story, you'd think the class coming up would be about managing Survival reactivity during travel! Maybe we'll run one for that soon, but this next one, is about managing Survival reactivity during intimacy.

 

Because unfortunately for many of us
physical intimacy can sometimes feel as stressful as travel fiascos.

Many of us have had negative early experiences having to do with our bodies, our vulnerability, and our safety. So even though we would prefer it didn't, when intimacy is on the horizon, our nervous system may run its threat response protocol.

We go into Survival Fight:
• grimacing at the thought of intimacy
• tensing up at the slightest touch
• finding fault in our partners interests and moves

We go into Survival Flight:
• avoiding intimacy by staying busy or staying away
• thinking of other things during intimacy
• getting inebriated in order to semi-enjoy intimacy (or too inebriated to be present)

We go into Survival Freeze:
• becoming so incapacitated via sleepiness, drugs, alcohol, or depression that intimacy isn't possible
• letting physicality happen against our interests
• leaving our bodies so that we can endure intimacy

We go into Survival Appease: 
• being physical just to please our partners or stay safer with them
• participating in forms of intimacy that are wrong for us because we understand it to be right for them
• never knowing what our own interests are because our interests are secondary


During our recent travel troubles we were pulling out all the tools we have, and that we teach in our classes, so that we didn't spin out into Survival reactivity. We wanted to think clearly, stay in connection with ourselves and others, and we wanted to have a good time.

 

And lucky for us all,
this same toolset can be used whether we're in the airport or the bedroom.

• If you love the idea of applying the trusty tools you've already gathered with us to new and exciting areas, the Snuggle Class might be super fun and useful for you!
   

• If you don't have any tools yet or haven't had a chance to take a live course with us, the Snuggle Class could be the ideal low-investment place to start!
   

• And if you just love reading these letters and enjoy identifying Survival reactivity in all the places it pops up, feel free to write us back! We love every note and every laughing emoji.

In any case and always, we wish you safe, sweet, and easy travels! And we're already looking forward to whenever and however we get to see you down the road.

Love,
Natalie and Nathan

March 9th and 10th

$350

We Won't Say These Words To You

How's Monday treating you? 

A funny thing happened when I (Natalie) sat down to write this letter...

The close of our enrollment for NeuroEmotional Coach Training was on my mind, and I had recently seen an email with a cool countdown timer. I love a little creative challenge, so I thought: "Hey, I wonder if I could make one of those?"

It turns out I can! It was right at the top of this very letter, looking beautiful.
 

Then I noticed something:
I was starting to semi panic.

The seconds ticking down in that timer started to work on my neurochemistry. My heart was speeding up, my fingers were rushing and making clumsy mistakes. It sucked!

Pretty quickly I realized the cosmic joke that was happening. The people most interested in supporting others to have less stress, less anxiety, less overwhelm, were about to send a letter to our beloveds that did the absolute opposite!

Most businesses capitalize on our stress hormones. If they can induce some adrenaline and cortisol with headlines like "Last Chance!", "Hurry!" and "Don't miss out!" they can get us to make a rushed decision and buy something whether or not it's right for us.

Realizing I was just about to head down the same track, I brought my computer to Nathan. We took a moment to ooh and awe over the beautiful timer I had made, and then we laughed about how absurd it would be to use induced stress to enroll people in a program meant to teach us how to reduce stress (and discomfort of all types). 
 

We never want anyone to stress out about enrolling in something to reduce stress! Haha!

In fact life does a really good job of inserting stress into our experience. We don't need to add more. Instead we need the tools to manage our feelings and reactions to the stress already available.

Let's check in with ourselves real quick...

There's a chance that even reading words like "Hurry!" kicks off a stress response. Are you experiencing that? If so, let's do a little regulating together. And really, even if you're feeling fine, increased regulation helps us to feel mighty fine.
 

Ready?

Take a moment to tune into yourself.

• Are you breathing?
  Enjoy the sound for a second. Feel the air go in. Then feel the air go out.

• Now let's turn our attention to the surface of the body.
  Is there anything your body is touching?
  Notice the points of contact you can feel with your clothes, your seat, your fingers on whatever device you're using to read this.

• Gently, let's now turn toward auditory sensations.
  Are there any sounds entering your awareness?
  How many can you identify?
  How far away are they?
  Do you like them?

• Coming full circle, let's check back in with the breath. 
  Still remembering to do that fully?
  What's it like now?

Following your own lead, we invite you to continue listening to your body. What is it asking for now? What does it need?
.
.
.
.
.
When you're ready, if you're interested in our work, you may want to read about NeuroEmotional Coach Training. We encourage you to listen carefully for your interest in this offering. We urge you to make room for any feelings that come up around your interest. Give them all the room they need – give them a voice, lend them an ear.

If you come into alignment, you have plenty of time to take action. We'll save you a spot in in this year's cohort, or next year's, or the one after that... We're not going anywhere.

If you've landed fully in your body, you've made room for all the feelings, and you're ready to enroll now, we're gathering on Wednesday. And we can easily support you to get what you need to be there too.
 

And if nothing else...

Let's all remember that rushing: whether it's literal fast movement or urgent language, inspires some Survival reactivity. So let's normalize soothing ourselves in these moments. We deserve it.

Much love,

Natalie (and Nathan)

Wealth Enemy #1

G'Day! How are you doing?

We hope this letter finds you in a moment of ease. Are you ready for a funny/not-so-funny story?

Once upon a time...

Someone we know came home from the grocery store and set about unpacking the various items from their bags. The next morning she entered the kitchen and gasped!

All of the fish in their beautiful, large saltwater tank, were dead.

Why?

Well...

She had accidentally stowed the orange juice concentrate in the cupboard above the tank, instead of in the freezer. And the juice that dripped down changed the acidity of the tank, and killed the very expensive inhabitants of that tank.

Why (on Earth??) would someone stow frozen orange juice in a cupboard?

Because when humans process from a Survival State we do really stupid things that cost us lots of time, money, and heartbreak.

When we're in a Survival State we leave our awareness, we leave our bodies, we leave our "right minds". In Survival Mode it's easy, natural, normal!, to make costly mistakes, like:

• Routinely losing the expensive fob that has to be replaced at the car dealership for $800.

• Buying an $1800 non-returnable couch that doesn't fit the living room.

• Smashing the computer or phone or whatever other fragile and expensive object is nearby.

• Misplacing things and buying a new one just to then find the old one after the new one can no longer be returned.

• Bailing out on a lease and losing the deposit(s).

• Signing up for things we don't/never were going to use.

• Moving too slowly to grab our just right opportunities.

• Moving too quickly to read the fine (and costly) print.

You get the idea.

If we want to save ourselves precious time and money, and our tender hearts – we want to know how to move through the brain states that can cause us trouble.

The Survival Brain State gets a bad rap – and most of the time, rightly so! But the Emotional Brain State is no financial genius either. When we don’t have the tools to move through emotion, we get stuck in a loop.

• We think about asking for a raise but get stopped by our anxiety or overwhelm or shame, and another year goes by where we are underpaid and overstressed around finances.

• We yearn to launch our business but there is always one draining emotional emergency after another and we can’t think straight enough to even make a to-list let alone execute one.

From an Emotional Brain State, even small things like wanting to compare phone and data plans and get a better deal never actually happen because we’re stuck circling around with emotions like dread, anxiety, fatigue and the day to take action just gets put off again and again and again.

Learning the tools to work with these brain states will save us tens of thousands of dollars in a lifetime!

Right now we're gearing up for our once-yearly, world-renowned program called NeuroEmotional Coach Training – and one of the curiosities folks have is, how can I justify that kind of investment in emotional stuff?

And it's just not fair to say to them: Think of all the saltwater aquariums you will save!

NeuroEmotional Coach Training teaches us how to help ourselves and others to move fluidly between brain states, so that we spend more time in an Executive State – which is hella good at money.

When we're processing from this brain state we not only are able to save the money wasted by stupid Survival Brain mistakes and delayed by Emotional Brain stagnancy, we're able to dream up and follow through on all our smart money ideas, and actually earn more.

This is true of all neuroemotional work, by the way, not just NeuroEmotional Coach Training, so that's cool!

Just by reading these posts and applying the tools you have, you're already helping to set yourself up with financially beneficial brain functionality. Woohoo!

And...

But...

If you're interested in this sort of thing, NeuroEmotional Coach Training additionally teaches the skills that can be used to earn a living, to earn additional part-time money, or to earn a higher rate for the services you already offer. Really cool.

If you're wondering if this is the year you join us, and increase both your emotional health and your financial health, but want help crunching the numbers, designing a payment plan that works, or finding the scholarship form, just respond to this email and we'll get you sorted!

In any case, let's all high five! Every time we practice what we've learned about these brain states, we are that much less likely to lock our keys in the car.

So, cheers to not losing keys!

Cheers to not killing fish!

Cheers to all the other heartbreaks we've avoided through our devotion and diligence to this work!

Every investment you make in your emotional health more than pays for itself.

Much love and respect,

Natalie and Nathan

You May be New to the Center for Emotional Education

Here's what's coming up next:
___________________________________________________

Dear EQ, What Do I Do?
Emotionally Intelligent Ideas for Life's Challenges
Monthly Support
___________________________________________________

Complimentary "Feel Better Already" Strategy Session
___________________________________________________
 

NeuroEmotional Coach Training
5-Month Training Program

Hot Tip: The One Resolution to Rule Them All

And a _________ New Year to you! (If it's not a Happy New Year at the moment, please feel free to insert the emotion that's right for you!)

It's that time of year when, here at the Center, we tend to feel some pretty high levels of frustration around New Year's resolutions. There is so much encouragement, pressure, and advice! And none of it takes brain science into account!

The idea is that we're meant to select a number of things that we will do this year. We're supposed to write them down, declare them in public, and then ("come hell or high water") force ourselves to do them. It doesn't take long for anxiety and resentment to build around these things and it becomes a terrible game of Should and Shame.

We're not into it!

Besides...
Instead of making a list of vague goals and then trying to remember these throughout the year, we think it's far more efficient, much more likely to avoid the inevitable Should and Shame game, and in the flow of neurochemistry to instead commit to the one Resolution that Rules Them All.

No, this is not a Lord of the Rings Cosplay... This is our Hot Tip for New Year's resolutions!

Hot Tip: Ditch that list of shoulds and resolve to get back to an Executive Brain state as often as possible.

Here's why. When we are regularly processing from an Executive Brain state, we are regularly making choices that align with our best vision of ourselves and the world we care about. This means we don't have to remember and commit to all the sub-tasks. If we do the one task – regularly supporting ourselves to move out of a Survival state, through the Emotional state, and into the Executive state – then we're totally covered!

Don't believe us?

Here are the most common New Year's resolutions:
Quit smoking
Lose weight
Eat healthier
Exercise more
Spend time with family
Drink less
Get Organized
Reduce stress
Travel more
Get more sleep
Learn a new skill
Learn something new
Read more
Reduce spending on living expenses
Save money
Cut your alcohol consumption
Floss consistently
Get in shape
Managing finances better


Let's take a closer look at the top 5:

1. Quit smoking – Smoking is often an attempt to meet the needs for de-stressing, and offers a neurochemical hit.
Guess what?
The tools that move us out of Survival are de-stressors. The tools for moving through an Emotional state give us big, healthy neurochemical hits. And the faculties of the Executive Brain help us make plans for longterm habit change.

2. Lose Weight – We often overeat or gravitate toward sugar to manage feelings.
Guess what?
The tools for moving through an Emotional state process and digest feelings! And the faculties of the Executive Brain help us get organized, make conscious choices, set up routines for daily movement, and follow through.

3. Eat healthier – When we operate from a Survival state, the body craves fast calories like processed foods and sugar – an instant burst of energy that would help us fight off a predator, but isn't enduring enough to support us beyond the micro-moment.
Guess what?
Processing from the Executive state means that we can look further ahead, make plans, and do tasks before we are hungry – like meal planning, vegetable chopping, or grain soaking.

4. Exercise more – Routinely operating from Survival Mode is extremely taxing on the body. Our actions are driven by adrenaline and cortisol, giving us that fried sensation instead of that "a run along the river sounds nice!" sensation. And even though exercise would be great for us, when we're stuck in Fight, Flight, Freeze, or Appease (doing for others instead), we're not likely to prioritize exercise.
Guess what?
Exercise becomes appealing and easy to navigate when we're processing from an Executive state.

5. Spend time with family – Family is the most likely group of people to invite our uncomfortable feelings. We get easily activated when spending time together and then we fight with them, run from them, freeze and hope they leave us alone, or appease them so much that we end up resenting them.
Yeah, you guessed it!
If we know how to soothe ourselves through these Survival reactions that arise, and if we know how to work with the feelings that surround family, we get to interact with them in ways that feel good. And when something feels good, we're far more likely to do more of that thing.



We don't want to wear you out by going through the whole list, but are you starting to get the idea?

Whatever we want to start doing, or stop doing, knowing how to move ourself through the brain states is how we get there. No more white-knuckiling! No more shame-laden "inspiration"! Just identifying brain states and using the tools to get back to Executive.

We have a whole training about this! Starting January 24th, we will spend the next 5 months teaching folks how to work with their own brain states, and how to help others (clients, partners, children, customers, co-workers, parents, in-laws, friends) do the same.


If you're into it, here's where to learn more and sign up!

If you spotted a resolution on the list above, and you are yearning to know how neuro-emotional maintenance can achieve that goal, let's get on the phone and hash it out. You can set that up here.


We believe in you! We know you are meant to do great things in your life and for others.


Much love,

Natalie and Nathan

You May be New to the Center for Emotional Education

Here's what's coming up next:
___________________________________________________

Dear EQ, What Do I Do?
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#1 Confidence Booster for 2024

Blessings to you and Happy New Year! We hope this finds you well and enjoying the annual transition. 

We can't mention any names, but one of our more globally influential clients told Nathan in their last session before the holidays that: 2024 is not the year for planning or dreaming. It's the year for implementation and executive-brain action.

We've already flipped the page on our calendar, but our thoughts still linger over the days of Yule, and over one story in particular that we think may inspire some potent action for the coming year.

One evening I, (Natalie) headed down the street to a neighborhood party. You can picture these Montana folks in their seasonal sweaters, the pile of their puffy coats in the side room, the apple cider on the stove. There was also a dog and a baby. (Cue the Natalie delight!)

At one point the mom of this cute, red-cheeked baby was wondering where her husband was, because her arm was hurting and she wanted to pass him the baby. I looked around for the husband, but I also let her know that other people could hold the baby too (Me! Me!).

She said:
"Oh, I wish! I'd love to pass him to you, but he's been so clingy! He won't even let my mother-in-law hold him."

I said:
"I'll just reach for him with confidence."

That's what I said to her, but what I will say to you, dear reader, is that I really meant that I would reach for him from a place of deep regulation.

Reaching for a baby from Survival Mode never works. Babies (and dogs, and humans, and every living thing), can sniff out dysregulation from miles away. Even if I had a sweet smile on my face, if I was in Survival Mode, my Social Engagement System and heartbeat would telegraph it, my arm pits would be sweaty, and stress hormones would be wafting from me like noxious perfume.

And reaching for a baby from an activated Emotional Brain state usual fails as well. I'm sure you've seen this tactic from others. They sort of put on a pouty face, and an air of "Oh, don't turn me down. I'll be so very sad if you don't let me hold you."  And babies (and dogs, and humans, and every living thing), find themselves torn between barfing and appeasing. Yuck.

I've been practicing working with my neurochemistry for several years now. At this point, I can fairly quickly shift out of Survival, through Emotional, and into an Executive State, where I have the confidence to easily mingle at a party, or soothe a baby, or whatever other challenges may arise.

On this night I had already tended to myself quite well as part of my pre-game for the party. I wasn't thirsty, overly hungry, or too hot or too cold. I had tanked up that day with connective and meaningful work, exercise, and feelings processing as well as snuggles with my partner.

So when I said: "I will reach for him with confidence.", in that instant I was also able to do a lightning fast version of deeper regulation. I got my body and breath instantly, supremely present, which also means instantly and supremely full of confidence.

But before I could even get my arms all the way extended, this sweet baby had twisted around and was reaching for me.

We were golden then.

We enjoyed some buffet grazing... He stored a cracker in the collar of my sweater... We meandered from group to group... At one point he wanted to play on the floor for a bit, so I went back to adult land. But when he was done playing, he crawled through all the grown-up legs until he found mine.

The mom's jaw was on the floor.

I scooped him up and we continued our buffet grazing and cracker storage activities.

There is no gold medal, or badge, or cash reward for bringing regulation to a party. But there are so many other rewards, like confidence, fun, connection, ease, joy, pride, positive interactions, and meaningful relationships – just to name a few.

And though I was literally at a party, this is not just a party trick! This is a way of confidently being with others in any and all contexts.

Would you like to learn how to work with your neurochemistry and teach others how to work with theirs?

We have our annual training coming up January 24. We call it NeuroEmotional Coach Training because we train folks to add this modality to an existing wellness career, or to create a wellness career, but you don't have to be a coach, or even plan on being a coach. We've trained a lot of parents, too...

Any person can benefit from understanding how brain states function, and how to work with them to be more of who we want to be. 

Being a safe place for others – especially children and animals is one of my 'Whys' for keeping up my neuro-emotional practice. What, or who, inspires you to, seek out the tools and practices to be your best self?

Let us know! We love to hear about your life. We read every response!

Much love,
Natalie (and Nathan)

ps. If you'd like to have a chat about whether or not training with us is right for you, just respond to this email and we'll set something up!

You May be New to the Center for Emotional Education

Here's what's coming up next:
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Dear EQ, What Do I Do?
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Trivia Challenge: What is hard of hearing AND a quiet talker?

We're wishing you a wonderful day!

Do you ever say something to your partner – maybe it's something about the week's schedule or plans with friends later – and then they respond with something totally and utterly illogical?

So much so, that (for reasons you can't exactly identify but are certain are completely valid...) you want to rip their head completely off?
Or at the very least, you wonder if they still have a grip on reality?
Or if they pay any attention, ever, to anything!?

Maybe it goes something like this:
Partner A: If we're going to have dinner with Jan and Steve before they go to Australia, it would have to be Thursday or Friday night. We can't do Wednesday night because we have that community meeting I'm hosting.

Partner B: Sure. Dinner on Wednesday with Jan and Steve sounds good.

Partner A: (flames and lightning exploding from ears) Are you f-ing serious? I just said WE CAN'T DO WEDNESDAY NIGHT! (full combustion and death-thoughts towards partner)


And then the couple says: Our problem is that we just can't communicate.

But if this couple came to Dear EQ, What Do I Do? and described this scenario, we'd say:

You two aren't necessarily inherently bad at communicating, but Survival Brain sure is!

When we're in an activated (or what a lot of folks call a "triggered") mode, we tend to operate from the Survival Brain State. Check out just some of the elements that make communicating from this state nearly impossible...

From the Survival state:

• Our hearing shifts to be more sensitive to low and high frequencies (like the low thudding and growl of a bear, or the high hiss and crackle of movement in the thicket); and less sensitive to the mid-range frequencies of the human voice.
  This means we literally have a harder time hearing and understanding other people talk to us!
   

• Also, especially if in a Freeze Survival State, we often speak very quietly.
  This means scary predators can't hear us, but it also means our partners can't hear us either!
   

• To make matters worse, we generally use fewer words.
  This brain state is all about silence, grunts, growls, and other guttural sound effects instead of clear, organized words, and cogent sentences. 

To recap, when we're in Survival Mode we basically:

• Can't hear

• Speak unintelligibly

• Don't use enough words

Then we wonder why communication is a challenge!

Next, we do a lot of efforting to "fix our communication problems" by making elaborate plans or holding weekly meetings, etc., etc., etc.. But when emotions run high once more, here comes the Survival State reactions and it's all for naught.



If this couple were members of Dear EQ, they'd hustle to the foundational videos that come with their monthly subscription, and they'd study up on how to move oneself out of Survival Mode!

Because it's not a matter of communicating better while activated, it's a matter of moving out of the activated state into a state that is naturally good at communicating!


What about you? Does the scenario described here sound all too familiar?
We wouldn't be surprised, because this sort of thing is extremely common.

It's not fair that we got born as humans without the playbook for "How Best to Be Human"!

Consider Dear EQ, What Do I Do? as your own personal playbook: 
Throw us any scenario, and we'll plug it into our Emotional Intelligence and Brain Function Calculator and share our experience- and data-driven suggestions for your expert consideration! (We're the experts in our field, and we know you're the expert on you...)

And if you choose not to join us, that's ok too! Everyone learns differently and we trust you completely. In fact, please write us back and share your favorite ways for shifting out of an activated state, we'd love to hear about what works for you!

 

Our next meetup for Dear EQ is this Tuesday, December 19th at 12:30pm Pacific.

🎁 This month our focus is specifically on helping you navigate the holidays... Join us with all your questions about gatherings, and gift-giving, and getting along this holiday season. 🎁

It's that time of year... When the world goes off a cliff! 

But we've got you.

We've made you this non-toxic, earth-friendly gift, specifically designed to help you get through the holidays.

🎁 Enter coupon code HOLIDAYEQ to make December 19th's session only $12! 🎁

(*If you like it, we meet once per month. Your cost is $30 per month. If you don't want to join again next month, just click cancel in your email confirmation. Easy peasy!)


If you're already in, feel free to email us your q's in advance, to love@centerforemotionaleducation.com.


Much love,
Natalie and Nathan

Our Secret Recipe for Real Joy and Effective Action Revealed

How's December been treating you?
How's 2023 been treating you?

It's tough when your plate is piled high with obligations, stress, and busyness, at any time of year. But when we experience it during the holidays it's even worse because there is a sense that we're supposed to slow down, we're supposed to feel extra gratitude, we're supposed to feel extra joy.

It's a lot to ask. 

And then if we widen the lens a bit more – it's really tough when each day there is also more upsetting news: values at risk, people at risk, the earth at risk. The overwhelm, despair, fear, or anger, can feel so huge that they don't leave any room for anything else.

The idea that amidst all this we're also supposed to perform, find positivity, or experience joy, can seem ridiculous if not offensive.

And yet –

If we're going to carry on... If we're going to wash the dishes, scoop the cat litter, decorate the house in holiday cheer because the children love it so, bring food to our neighbor, write our congressperson (again), research non-profit activist groups to support, we can't only be fueled by our discomfort or grief or rage.

Sometimes we get a flurry of things done in this mode, but it always comes at the cost of wear and tear on our bodies and hearts and minds. And what's worse is that we can't keep this mode going consistently or effectively enough to create any kind of lasting difference.

This is not the neurochemical state from which to celebrate the holidays nor to change the world.
 

So here's our Secret Recipe for Real Joy and Effective Action

First, eliminate these two options:
1. Acting from uncomfortable feelings.
2. Bypassing uncomfortable feelings and faking gratitude, joy, and Executive function.

Second, find and name at least three feelings.
These are not the feelings you think you should be feeling, these are the feelings that just are.
Be honest, and be specific. (Feelings list available below)

Third, make friends with your uncomfortable feelings. 
You can:
Invite your uncomfortable feelings to tea.
Sing your uncomfortable feelings a love song, rock song, death-metal song.
Or, write your uncomfortable feelings on your heart and give them sweet caresses.

Sky is the limit here, but for allowing your neurochemistry to fully shift, you want to spend at least 10 minutes with the feelings.

Fourth, look again.
At this point some empowered feelings, like true gratitude, hope, joy, appreciation, power, faith, or determination may start to reveal themselves.
Name and claim those feelings too.

Fifth, take action.
Eat more food.
Make a list.
Scoop cat litter.
Buy a gift because you truly want to.
Call your congressperson (again).
Donate money.

Lastly, give yourself a high five.
This isn't just a cute way to finish the segment.
Celebrating is a brilliant way to put a neurochemical marker on the thing you just did to help your brain remember to do it again in the future.
It also gives you a little more dopamine to keep your focus and drive going as you take the next action(s).
 

One could say this is a neurochemical recipe for a healthy holiday season, but it's also a viable recipe for a healthy life, community, and planet.

If you give this recipe a go, will you let us know how it is for you and how you applied it?

We love hearing about your life.

Love,
Natalie and Nathan

You Could Have An Office Like This!

Did you know Nathan and I met at Tipu's – at the time, the only all vegetarian restaurant in the entire state of Montana? It had the BEST chai you've ever enjoyed. And sometimes for fun during our shifts we'd try to get as caffeinated as possible.

What "fun"! (Insert not-fun facial expression).

We also had a cool, confident, and funny co-worker named Holly, who eventually moved away, but when she came back to visit she shared with us what she'd been up to. As it turns out she had become a Life Coach.

I forget everything about that conversation – where she got her training, what kind of coaching she was doing etc. – but what I do remember, still to this day, nearly two decades later, is how she described her place of work.

She said:
 

I sit out on my deck, with my coffee, amongst the trees and the birds, and talk to people.

This stayed with me.

I do believe this scene painted by Holly was a very powerful seed for what Nathan and I would later create: The Center for Emotional Education. For 17 years now we’ve been supporting incredibly successful people who still struggle with emotional overwhelm, anxiety, and/or depression that consistently gets in their way, robs them of satisfaction, and ruins everything. 

We help our clients learn how to operate their emotional systems, heal long-standing emotional wounds, and rewire their brains to be better at feelings, so they can enjoy better health, easier wealth, and more satisfying relationships.

And, as it turns out, we also created our own cozy office spaces.

Natalie's office includes a low comfy couch and a brown dog!

Nathan's office includes a very devoted tuxedo cat and a view over mountains to the west.

Our mission at the Center for Emotional Education includes training others to become powerful NeuroEmotional Coaches in their own right, helping their own people to have the success they want and deserve.

And these gorgeous humans are stationed in their very own beautiful, personal, cozy offices all over the planet. 

We thought we'd share some of their offices with you, too. 
 

Who knows?

Maybe these snapshots of meaningful work in incredible spaces might just be the seeds that sprout your coaching career.

My cozy corner. - Kate

Here’s my cozy office! A soft mauvey purple rocking/swivel chair with a cozy golden chenille blanket, next to my window where I can hear the birds and watch the changing seasons. A most peaceful spot. – Romy

Here's my cozy year-round office. I like to surround myself with the necessities: earbuds, easy access to information, warm tea, fire, water, lights, easy view of surroundings, scents and textures, anchors and plant friends.

Not pictured: guides and cats that sometimes don't want to be photographed. – Goose

I definitely feel extra lucky to be able to live and work from a sailboat! Pretty fun. I’m including a photo of the cozy little nook where I tend to work most and a picture of me nestled up there.
– Erin

Sitting with some immense gratitude this morning that this can be my office whenever I need it to be. I’ve worked very hard to be able to sit in bed on a chilly Monday morning doing my absolute dream work, NeuroEmotional Coaching. – Shannon

My cozy office :-) – Annique

My office is an oasis of inspiration and calm, I love looking out at the tree and hearing the birds. – Nina

If you're interested in creating your own cozy business and your own cozy office space, you may want to consider becoming a NeuroEmotional Coach.

People need people.
People need you.

We'll be here under our furry animals if you want to ask us some questions about this work!

Much love,
Natalie and Nathan

---

You May be New to the Center for Emotional Education

Here's what's coming up next:
___________________________________________________

Dear EQ, What Do I Do?
Emotionally Intelligent Ideas for Life's Challenges
Monthly Support
___________________________________________________

Complimentary "Feel Better Already" Strategy Session
___________________________________________________
 

NeuroEmotional Coach Training
5-Month Training Program