How was your weekend? Were you able to enjoy it?
The long Labor Day weekend that is celebrated in the US has us pondering things like rest vs productivity, and empowerment vs procrastination. And whenever these topics come up, Natalie remembers a potent memory from her childhood.
(Natalie here:)
When I was eleven I had a hamster. Her name was Frilly and I adored her. My sister had one too (named Perko) and we were obsessed with, both, the creatures themselves but also the personalities we constructed for them. We talked for them for hours on end, even if we weren't near them. They had elaborate backstories involving, among other things, rock careers and fan clubs. We carried them everywhere in our hoodie pockets.
You get the idea. I really loved my hamster.
For whatever reason my sister's hamster had an elaborate cage with all the cool plastic tunnels, and my hamster had a plain glass terrarium. And at night I would lay there awake and wracked with guilt as, out of what I thought was a desperate level of boredom, Frilly chewed on the plastic lid of the cage.
I asked my mom if we could get Frilly an upgrade and she said yes, but as an eleven-year old I didn't have any say as to when that trip to the pet store might happen. While I waited, I could have:
But I didn't.
And each night as I heard her incessant, boredom-fueled chewing you'd think that I would be ever-more inspired to do one of those things. Or anything...
But I wasn't.
I was paralyzed. My inability to process my feelings of guilt, shame, and powerlessness kept me locked in a cycle of not doing the things that I could do. The more guilt that came up, the less I was able to do. And the stinkier the cage got and the more imperative it became that I clean the cage, the less likely I was to do so.
At the time I thought this was just the definition of misery. Now, looking back, I see it as the definition of Survival Freeze.
Survival Freeze is the most likely culprit when procrastination is at play.
The human Survival System doesn't limit its function to literal life-or-death situations. For many of us, it kicks into overdrive and sends us into Fight, Flight, Freeze, or Appease reactions under two specific conditions we want to mention at present:
1. When a particular emotion or set of them feels too potent, too uncomfortable, or too difficult to be with. (Quality of emotion)
2. When there is simply too much emotion overall, whether it's especially potent emotion or not. (Quantity of emotion)
And both of these experiences can be the result of not having enough Emotional Capacity, either in the moment or in general.
We know eleven year old Natalie had some stuff going on beyond Frilly the hamster's living situation. So surely there was a Quantity of Emotion element at play. But even more certain is the Quality of Emotion element. Guilt, shame, and powerlessness – those are heavy-hitting emotions that are extremely difficult for pretty much anyone to be with, especially without enough help. And the tender, compassionate fact is, little Natalie simply couldn't be with them then. It was too much for her still developing nervous system and it clicked over into a Survival response to keep her safe from the perceived threat of that emotional experience.
Did we get the new cage?
Yeah. But all these years later, it's not the new cage I remember most.
Here's what we both wish eleven-year old Natalie could have done (or could have gotten help to do) for her procrastination. And if you're struggling with it, here's what we'd want for you, too:
3 Easy Steps to Getting out of Procrastination
1. Tune into your body.
Nothing special here – just notice your body. You can use your breath to do this, you can tense or shake body parts, or just place your hands on your skin – anything that brings your awareness safely back to your body's present state. When we can notice and sit with the sensations of our body, we cue the Survival System that there is no current bodily threat.
2. Say it out loud.
After you've tuned into your body, and if you're still feeling stuck and like you can't move (metaphorically or literally) – giving voice to it can break the inertia and the tension. A simple: "Gosh, I'm so frozen right now. I can't do the things I really want to be doing." will help kickstart the Emotional System's drive to tell the story of the upset. Then you could list all the stressful bits of this situation. And if you really want to make a huge difference, you could then name the feelings coming up around being stuck and the list of stressful bits.
3. Take small related action.
Once we've reacquainted ourselves with our safe body, and gotten a chance to vent and process some emotion – there may be some small baby actions that become do-able. This may mean breaking up the big tasks into micro-tasks and making a list, or cleaning up or organizing a work area in preparation for the thing we've been procrastinating, or gathering all the tools and info that you will need once you begin your larger task. Not distracting, but side-acting on a project that leads to the thing we want done.
(Natalie again:)
In my case, I certainly could have used some help to "thaw" myself out with a bit of body awareness. (I don't think a single teacher, mentor, or parent ever led me in any kind of body-scan.) It also would have been heavenly to talk about my guilt and shame alongside plans for going to the mall for the new cage. And it stands to reason that from there I probably would have been inspired to go collect some sticks for my hamster friend...
Procrastination is normal. It's our nervous system's attempt to keep us safe from things that seem dangerous or evoke uncomfortable emotion.
It's understandable, but not very enjoyable.
Everything we offer here at the Center is designed to help us all move away from less useful neural habits – where our Survival System butts in and tries to run our lives for us – and toward sovereign choice-based living. That doesn't mean we'll never again procrastinate (Survival Freeze), distract ourselves (Survival Flight), lash out (Survival Fight), or sabotage ourselves for someone else (Survival Appease) – it just means we know what to do when it happens.
If you despise procrastination or any other habitual Survival Modes, try out these 3 easy steps!
And if you really hate the way your Survival Mode(s) keeps getting in the way of your health, wealth, and/or relationships, we're happy to team up with you to find your next potent steps. You can reply to this email and we'll help you out.
Much love,
And on behalf of all the hamsters in the world,
Natalie and Nathan
