How's it going with you? Remembering to breathe?
We hope you're getting to read this in a cozy moment...
We get asked this question a lot:
Is shyness an emotion?
Our answer?
You betcha!
There is a common belief that shyness is a character trait – something you're born with or something you inherit. But after nearly 20 years of supporting people to navigate their emotions, we've found that shyness is an emotion like any other and not something we're just stuck with.
As two people that previously considered themselves "shy", we can attest to the fact that if you have the right tools, you can move with shyness like a pro no matter where you are or what you're doing.
Shyness can be a common experience around the holiday season. Adults and children alike can find themselves loathing family gatherings and the array of holiday events that involve other people.
So let's break it down!
How to support yourself or your child with shyness
1. Heightened Shyness
Sometimes the shyness we experience is really strong, strong enough to bring in some Survival reactivity (Fight, Flight, Freeze, Appease).
In an adult, Survival Shyness during a holiday gathering might look like:
FIGHT:
Finding fault with the gathering, or the people there!
And, even though it's counter-intuitive, some of us try to counteract shyness by being active in conversation, but because of the adrenaline and cortisol in our system, our conversational style comes across as combative.
FLIGHT:
Not even going to the party!
Or wandering the perimeter of the party.
And, if we enter conversation at all we might steer the conversation away from our ourselves.
FREEZE:
Showing up late to the party! Because we were frozen on the couch and had to force ourselves to get ready.
And, if we are roped into a conversation, we say hardly anything at all.
APPEASE:
Working the party! As in literally working – doing dishes, getting drinks, clearing the table, and focusing on others whether we're hosting or not.
And, if we stop working long enough to join a conversation, it's to facilitate someone else's conversation.
In a child, this variety of Heightened Shyness during a holiday gathering might look like:
FIGHT:
Finding fault with their outfit, their sister, their seat in the car, the food, the other kids, the activities, etc.
You won't see a lot of conversation, but you might hear some yelling.
They might refuse to play if they can't be in charge.
FLIGHT:
Dashing out of the room, not staying in one place, having a hard time staying seated at the table, perhaps even hiding.
Kids in this mode might only talk in order to ask to leave the party, or to play on a device.
They may be able to be coaxed into games without any words, like tag, or hide and seek.
FREEZE:
Staying glued to the parent, wanting to be held, not interacting with other children, maybe even falling asleep.
A child frozen with shyness might not talk at all, not even to answer direct questions.
They are unlikely to play.
APPEASE:
Doing all the things they're supposed to do: saying "Please" and "Thank You", finishing their food, clearing their plate, but without any of their spirit or personality shining through.
Kids appeasing their way through a holiday gathering will do lots of observing to make sure they're doing it "right".
They may play a little but as a follower – doing what the older or more powerful kids want.
What to do with Survival mode?
As an adult we can help ourselves out of Survival reactivity by communicating safety to our body.
Some techniques for supporting ourselves in Survival Mode are:
moving slowly
drinking something warm
staying warm or cooling down when needed
eating enough food
breathing with an exhale that is longer than our inhale
standing near, or touching someone else that is calm and regulated
As the parent we can help our child move out of Survival reactivity by NOT talking, and communicating safety to their body.
Some techniques for helping our children out of Survival Shyness are:
moving our body slowly
drinking something warm near our child, and making the drink available to them (without asking them if they want it)
keeping our body warm or cool, and having something at hand for our child to reach for to warm or cool their body (without asking them if they want it)
eating enough food and making food available to our child (without asking them if they want it)
breathing with an exhale that is longer than our inhale in the vicinity of our child
standing near to our child, and touching them in a simple calm way, like a hand on their shoulder (If they are receptive)
waiting patiently
2. Emotional Shyness
Sometimes the shyness we experience is not strong enough to bring in some Survival reactivity but it's still not enjoyable and can make holiday gatherings more challenging.
Beforehand, in adults and children, Emotional Shyness can sound like:
Why do we go to parties like this?
Do we have to go?
When will it be done?
Who's going to be there?
Will I like the food there?
What do I wear?
Why do we always have to go to parties?
Everyone is going to be ______ (fill in the blank).
Do I have to talk to people?
We can help ourselves and our children out of Emotional Shyness beforehand by:
Asking them or ourselves how we're feeling – perhaps while getting ready or during the drive to the party
Naming all the feelings we're noticing – when adults lead the way, the kids will chime in and get feelings off their chest
Offering them and/or ourselves some empathy for the feelings – even just sounds of understanding work well here
Touching – we can put our own hand on our hearts and do small little circles, and if they are open to it, we can hold hands with our children, or hug.
At the party, in adults and children, Emotional Shyness can come across as:
Awkward
Quiet
Not as clever as usual
Not as bright as usual
Not as funny as usual
Not as hungry as usual
Standing near the edges
Staying out of conversation
We can help ourselves and our children out of Emotional Shyness during the party by:
Continuing to check in with ourselves and name feelings. Naming some feelings while we take a bathroom break is a great technique
Continuing to check-in with our kids when they swing into our orbit, and ask them how they're feeling in that moment
Continuing to get touch – either keeping our hand on our hearts or finding a loved-one to put an arm around
Continuing to offer touch throughout the party – saying yes when they ask to sit on our laps, or even throwing out a high-five as they whiz past
Last but not least...
Don't forget to enjoy the connection that comes as we move through our feelings and get to enjoy one another even more!
Here's to you and yours! We're cheering for you and envisioning your best holiday season yet.
Much love,
Natalie & Nathan
By the way...
If you:
like how this sounds
want to discover more ways to calm shyness or overwhelm
and move through anxiety
and cultivate a sense of confidence in yourself and with the people you care about...
