We hope this finds you cozy and in a moment of peace.

Are you someone who likes November?
Some people love this time of year, others loathe it.
Where do you land on this spectrum?

For many of us, this time of year means holiday gatherings with folks we may not otherwise spend a lot of time with. Sometimes we have great hope that we'll enjoy ourselves and really get to connect with our loved ones. Sometimes we have great dread that we will not have fun, and may experience the same disconnection we felt during past holidays.

Whether you're sitting with hope or with dread, we'd like to share a suggestion that helps either way! This just might be the trick for greater connection during your next holiday gathering.

Human beings have a massive need to be seen and heard. To be able to share our experience – including the details, concerns, triumphs, pitfalls, dramas, and bloopers – makes life worth living.

Yet at the same time human beings also have massive anxiety around engaging. Our concern that we will offend, appear stupid, seem nosy, bother someone, or not know what to say, keeps many conversations shallow and meaningless.

This means that almost everyone at the holiday gathering is yearning to share and connect, and yet no sharing and no connecting is actually done.

It's a travesty!

So here's our suggestion...

It's simple, but not necessarily easy.

Ready for it?

Ask a question.
Listen to the answer.
Reflect back what you heard.
Ask an emotion-based follow up question.

Where to start?

Don't get fussed about asking obvious or generic questions. If you follow the formula, any question can lead to connection.

Sample general questions:

Remind me again what you do for a living?
Did you get that new stereo equipment?
What's a typical day for you?
Do you get outside much?
Have you traveled anywhere lately?
What's the latest on your project?
How old are your kids now?

Sample script:
Question: How old are your kids now?
Listen: (What details can you collect from what they share?)
Reflect: Wow. So two of them are already in high school?!
Emotion-based follow up: How is that for you?

If you know someone is going through something difficult, or experiencing a loss, don't hesitate to gently ask them about it. Contrary to popular belief, folks often want to talk about their upset, but no one gives them the opportunity.

Sample tender questions:

I know you lost (insert name), how is your grief?
I hear it's been tough lately... what's been the biggest challenge?
Divorce can be so lengthy and stressful, how's it going for you?

Sample script:
Question: I know you lost (insert name), how is your grief?
Listen: (Notice any particular details they share.)
Reflect: Oh wow, that sounds so hard. You two were really close.
Emotion-based follow up: Does the grief cloud every thought you have? Or does it ebb and flow?

Want extra connection? Bonus points for remembering something from a previous interaction and asking a question based on that!

Sample good-memory questions:

Is your dog still dealing with that skin rash?
What happened with that big work project? How did it turn out?
Last I heard you were learning about oil painting, still exploring that?
I remember you said you were second guessing the flooring in your kitchen, what did you decide?

Sample script:
Question: I remember you said you were second guessing the flooring in your kitchen, what did you decide?
Listen: (What details do they share about this?)
Reflect: Seriously? You had to deal with those contractors for six months?! Woah.
Emotion-based follow up: Gosh, how does it sit with you now? Do you feel recurring stress every time you go in the kitchen?

* Important Caveat
Let's not be in a hurry to insert our own experience, stories, or advice, because interrupting someone else's turn engenders disconnection, and we want connection!

Focus instead on giving turns. Be generous with your attention and listening. Let the oxytocin (the neurochemical of connection) do its magic. Often, when the other person has really been seen and heard, they will naturally become curious about us. And given the great modeling we have done, they will follow our lead, and ask a question, listen intently, reflect back what they heard us say, and then ask a connective follow up question.

Who doesn't love that?

Here's to a more connective season.
You can do this!
We're cheering for you.

Love,
Natalie and Nathan

ps. If you choose to follow our suggestion, let us know how it goes! You can reply to this email to give us an update.

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