It's simple:
You want someone to do something, or...you want someone to stop doing something.
But then when you talk to them about it, it goes badly.
Shoot!
Discovering boundaries and communicating them to our people can be so tricky! In fact, it's so tricky that, when set out to claim a boundary, most of us trip over 5 common mistakes:
#1: Your boundary is outside your control
Boundaries are a limit we hold as a form of self-love, not something we coerce others to do.
YES: "I don't answer the phone after midnight."
NO: "You can't call me after midnight."
#2: Your boundary is too vague
Boundaries work best when we know who we are, what we like, and how to specifically honor that.
YES: "I like to schedule just one thing per day so that I get all the downtime I need."
NO: "You're always running me ragged. You have to respect my time."
#3: Your boundary is overzealous
Often, after years of repressing our own needs we can come on too strong in expressing them.
YES: "You may not know this, but I have a boundary around being tickled."
NO: "GET OFF ME! I NEVER WANT YOU NEAR ME AGAIN!"
#4: Your boundary is accusatory
When we claim a boundary while inadvertently accusing the other person, they get defensive instead of cooperative.
YES: "I have a health boundary around smoke, can we team up to designate smoking and non-smoking areas?"
NO: "Are you trying to kill me with this smoke? I need to be able to breathe!"
#5: Your boundary requires mind-reading
Sometimes fear prevents us from claiming a boundary, so we just hope somebody reads our mind instead.
YES: "6am is too early for me because I try to really honor my boundaries around enough sleep. Does 9am work?"
NO: "6am it is. Who needs sleep anyway, right?"
There are many more common boundary mistakes! And each one lands us deeper in the hole we're so desperate to get out of. Fortunately, the boundaries "recipe" we teach in our Better at Boundaries Masterclass will help you avoid these pitfalls and help you get what you want - whatever that may be.
Love,
Natalie and Nathan