Shy

Did you know that "shy" is an emotion, not a personality trait?

Like all emotions, shyness is a temporary state, one that passes more quickly with non-judgemental support from a loved one.

Next time your child shows signs of shyness try empathy statements such as "Are you feeling shy around this new person?" rather than explanatory statements such as "Oh sorry, she's pretty shy." Give your child a sense of emotional flexibility. She isn't a shy person, she's simply feeling shy in this moment.

Feelings are transient. As soon as we recognize and honor them they lighten their hold on us.

Image credit: Feeleez ABCs

Bummer

Sometimes kids are unhappy. And sometimes this is extremely uncomfortable for parents. In order to help our child feel better (and thus help ourselves feel better) we spring into FIX IT MODE. We bend over backwards looking for solutions, we work longer hours to afford greater luxuries, we schedule more more more to help our kids be happy.

It's exhausting. AND it doesn't work. The whole spectrum of emotions occurs despite the best circumstances.

Instead of killing ourselves controlling circumstances we'd be better off putting our energy into supporting the upset. In the face of empathy a human being is actually incapable of holding onto an emotion. Rub their backs, nod understandingly, mirror the emotion you see and slowly but surely it will lift (away from BOTH of you).

Can I Have That?

Kids ask for a lot of things. Sometimes it can feel like they are in a constant state of want and that can feel pretty stressful for parents.

Here's the thing: yearning is an emotion. We need not give our kids what object they are asking for in order to satisfy. Empathy often can be even more satisfying.

So next time your kid asks for something instead of a YES, NO, or NOT NOW, try empathy: "Wow! That does look amazing. I can totally see why you want that. Tell me what you like about it..."

No need to purchase anything, connect instead!

Image credit: Feeleez ABC

A Taste

Our ecourse, Parenting on the Same Team, is coming up! Just a couple weeks left to register for this life-changing course. To give you a taste of the topics, and to show you how carefully and lovingly we handle each of your questions during the course, I am sharing this post from a few years back.

The course starts Oct. 24th and runs six weeks. Click here to register.

I am getting stuck on a particular knee-jerk habit that comes from my childhood: punishment. I have a feisty 2.5 yr old son. We have a special dynamic because I have a serious temper. The scene you described with yanking your daughters out of the stroller is very familiar to me. It happens every other day or so. I am seeing a therapist about it, because I know it is abusive, and I am trying my hardest to learn different skills for responding when I feel provoked. i.e. things feel out of control for me. The type of punishment that I want to ask about isn't this rageful reaction, it's the: you were throwing a hard toy and I explained why you shouldn't so I am going to take it away from you. Punishment disguised as natural consequences. But they're not, because they are choices I make about him, his toys, etc. With my son, it seems pretty clear that he has learned to do exactly what I've made clear I don't want him to do. Somehow, I trained him to get my attention through aggravating actions: screaming at the table, throwing hard toys, absolutely refusing to let me put clothes on him, etc. I've created an adversarial relationship with him already! And in the moment it happens, I have the urge to do something, to take the toy, to leave the table, to say, "OK, then we're not going out", which I HATE, because I know that I'm keeping the dynamic going somehow. I guess my problem is not really with punishment, it's how to get back to the sense that he and I are a team, to change the dynamic such that he isn't trying to piss me off all the time. I know it's something I'm doing, I just don't know what it is. OK: it's obvious that this doesn't fall under any neat topic. I know the magic word is empathy, but how do you have empathy with their desire to provoke? "I can see that you really want to make me mad??" Can't be.. "I can tell that you really want my attention." This doesn't at all work with the refusal to get dressed. Which may not actually have anything to do with provoking me, but may just be a frustration with being handled. Well, if any of this brings anything up in you, I'd love a response.

This question is actually a HUGE one that touches on so, so, much.  Here goes.

I hear you saying that:

• you love your boy.
• things aren't working.
• you suspect you have responsibility for the current dynamic.
• you want certain behaviors to shift.
• you want connection, a sense that you are on the same team.

So let's look at each one.

You love your boy. This is a fantastic place to start. The love that you feel will carry you through a million interactions, it will inspire you to seek help when things aren't going as well as you'd like, to dig deeper than you ever have before with anyone else in your life. This love means that your son is lucky and that there is fertile ground for a healthy relationship between the two of you.

Things aren't working. No, they aren't. And it sounds so frustrating, tiring, and infuriating. This is not how you want your relationship to proceed. This is not how you want your environment to feel.

You suspect you have responsibility for the current dynamic. And you are right! Although children come with unique and complex personalities, parents are in charge of the emotional and logistical atmosphere in the home. We always have to be the "bigger person" and we can count on our children to provide a reflection of how our actions and thoughts are either working or not working.

You want certain behaviors to shift. Screaming at the table, throwing hard toys, and refusing to get dressed are not working for you. This brings us to the issue of obedience. It is clear from your comment that you do not like your current method of "natural consequences", mostly because there is nothing natural about them, as they are not from naturally occurring phenomenon in his environment, but from his mother. And I agree with you, a natural consequence is feeling cold because you chose not to wear your coat. Yanking a hard toy away because it was thrown is not a natural consequence, it is the consequence of breaking a rule, one not made by mother nature, but by an authority figure.

That being said I can understand wanting a rule about throwing hard toys, or rules about anything for that matter. Children bring so much chaos (so much!) into a parent's life that it is understandable to want to guide things along, making certain actions unacceptable and placing a premium on doing what mom (or dad) says. The problem is that it doesn't work, not to mention that it wreaks havoc on your connection (the next item on your wish list).

When you want him to do, (or not do), something and he is resisting, consider the following:

- It seems counter-intuitive but to have more control you must let go of control. With fewer rules to resist, children resist less. Many of us have created numerous and senseless regulations that are needless. If your boy is resisting the "rules", one option is to rethink your list of "don'ts" and see which can be loosened, and which can be tossed completely.

- Use NO sparingly. This word is most potent when used only in critical moments, such as immediate safety situations. Watering it down by automatically using it at every turn renders it useless. And even if your answer is negative there are ways to frame it so that  there is less friction to brace against.

Yes, I will be able to read you a story, but I want to brush my teeth first. (Instead of: No, not right now.)

That's a possibility. Let me think about what our next steps might be and I'll let you know how we can fit a trip to the park into our day. (Instead of: Well, we have a lot to do today, probably not.)

Yes, I hear that you want to go to the library very badly. I'm not sure we have time today but I know it's important to you and I will work to make that happen as soon as possible. (Instead of: No, not today.)

- Use empathy as a way to teach empathy. "Good" behavior or obedience, can be achieved by encouraging empathic behavior. A child that can recognize feelings as they occur for others automatically considers how their choices are contributing to those feelings. This often results in actions that we have come to consider "polite" or "proper". A child that recognizes another's pain and feels bad for bumping into them will naturally apologize. An enforced Say your sorry! isn't necessary. When given the information that Aunt Flo feels sad when kids chase her cat, an empathic child will, more likely than not, stop chasing the cat. A rule that declares NO CAT CHASING! isn't required. The most effective way to develop empathy in children is to treat them with empathy. 

In your case, you are right, "I can see that you really want to make me mad??" and "I can tell that you really want my attention.", won't work. The first makes an assumption which is unfounded, the second seems a bit abstract for the circumstance of getting dressed. Empathy can be as simple as: 

You are mad, huh?

You don't want to get dressed. You want to keep doing what you are doing, and you'd rather I stop bothering you? 

You're screaming. Are you frustrated?

But more importantly, empathy from a parent is a stance, a frame through which to view your child. It is not something to say and then force the pants on anyway. It is not something to say and then continue ignoring their request for attention. It is not something to say while yanking a toy away. It is not a way to get them to do something they do not want to do. It is a way for you to show them that what they want is noticed, that what they feel is important to you, that their needs and interests are valued. 

What does this have to do with behaviors? Everything. If you give your boy genuine empathy for his emotional state then he will never get to the point where he has to do anything aggravating to get your attention, to be understood, or to have his needs considered.

- Look for the underlying need behind the action. When a child is driven toward a particular action, and especially when they won't stop doing that action, even when you have asked them not to, there is a very good chance that a strong need is their motivation. Look and listen closely, open your mind to strange possibilities and you just might be able to offer information and an alternative solution that meets that need.

I see that you're banging that hammer on the wall... I am concerned about making marks. Are you wanting to fix something and be helpful? Hmmm. Can I set you up with the work bench outside? (Underlying need: purpose, effectiveness, or creativity)

Honey, I asked you to stay out of that tree. It isn't strong enough to hold you. Are you wanting a challenge? Shall we go to the park where you can climb that dragon's tower? ( Meeting the underlying need of: freedom or competence)

Please stop hitting your sister. She doesn't like it and is getting angry. Do you want her attention? Can I help you find a way to get that in a different way? (Meeting the underlying need of: love, to be seen, or companionship)

A complete list of needs can be found here.

- Offer as much information as possible. Disobedience is often due to a lack of understanding, something easily remedied when the parent is willing to take time to explain. We often have very good reasons for asking our children to do something, or to stop doing something, but don't share them. Providing information allows children to see the thought process behind our decisions.

Tommy that stroller was built for a baby doll so I'm pretty sure it can't hold you. Will you climb out of there?

Elizabeth, I notice that the cat is putting her ears back and swishing her tail. I think that means she doesn't like the way you are petting her. Will you try something else?

- Respect children as human beings and treat them accordingly. Children are not pets to be directed with barks and commands. They aren't even yours, they are theirs. They have their own opinions, thoughts and desires and recognizing this will go a long way in getting them to do anything. 

You want connection, a sense that you are on the same team. From my perspective the greatest hurdle to a connection with your son is your perspective. You do not see the two of you as a team,  you see him as an adversary, a person that is "trying to piss me off", that has a built-in "desire to provoke", and chooses "aggravating actions" in order to get your attention. You cannot have connection with someone standing on the opposing riverbank. You, the parent, have to cross over. 

- Empathy is one way to do this. Real empathy as mentioned above, the willingness to put yourself in his shoes.

He is screaming at you not because he wants to bother you, this is not an innate motivation in humans, but because he wants you. You are his end all, be all, and he wants to feel your gaze. This does not mean that you must drop everything you are doing and stare at him every minute of every day, but it does mean that when he indicates a need for your attention, you give him some. Attention seeking, by the way, has gotten a bad rap in recent "parenting theory". It is not, as some would describe it, manipulative. It is survival. Babies and children need their caretakers to fully notice them and their needs or else they will perish. Literally. So be careful about how you see attention seeking, give yourself freely and liberally, and he may not need to scream to get it.

My daughter would rather stay naked than anything else in the world. Getting clothes on that girl is a daily issue. I have to twist my head into her way of thinking time and time again to find empathy, and not become so frustrated that I shout ultimatums or shove her chubby legs into pant holes. 

- A simplified life is another. 

A time crunch is death to a mother/child relationship. When we are in a hurry we do things we wouldn't otherwise do, like shoving our children into car seats, making promises we can't keep, bribing, yelling, dismissing, name-calling. These actions do not create or maintain connection. If we can avoid hurrying we are doing a great service to our children. 

This means literally scheduling less. Days in which you do not leave the house. Days in which there is no need to get dressed. It also means doing less even when we are home. Fewer dishes, fewer loads of laundry, fewer baths, fewer phone calls, fewer t.v. shows. With a schedule like this it seems nothing will ever get done, and perhaps it all takes longer, but without tantrums, crying, and screaming matches, a whole lot more becomes possible. But that is beside the point, connection blossoms under these conditions. Shoving aside a pile of laundry in order to hold each other is worth it.

- Demoting obedience is another.

It's hard to nurture a connection with a raging dictator. Demanding strict, unquestioning obedience is a great way to drive a wedge between two people. When in doubt about any parenting choices, a good reality check is to ask yourself if the considered course of action strengthens your relationship with your child or weakens it. If you always err on the side of strengthening the relationship there will not only be less need to look for or demand obedience, there will also be a sturdy relationship in place to weather any of life's storms.

- Intentional time together is another. 

One hour each day in which you do nothing but focus on your child works wonders for connection. One hour simply tuning in to them and their world without answering the phone, or making lists, oranything else and there will be no way to remain on opposite banks of the river.

There are more ways to connect, specific to each child and each mother. More include:

- Being present...taking breaths in the moment, noticing what is happening for the child without saying anything, just keenly observing.

- Asking kid for help with cooking, raking, problem solving, etc.

- Sleeping together as a family.

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The Myth of the Self-Soothing Infant

I can sum up today’s post in one sentence. That wasn’t it though… ;) It’s simply this : The human brain is born without the ability to manage emotional content without support; if we get help early on, then we can develop that ability, but only if (and only as much as) we are assisted in developing it. Period. That’s just all there is to it. No infant anywhere ever was born with the ability to soothe himself, calm himself down when he is upset, or cry freely and safely to completion in a healthy manner without caregiver support. And if you don’t want to read the rest of my pontification about it, that’s enough for you to know at present. If you’re like me, though, and you always want to know a little more, then by all means read on!

I’ve done a little looking around, and it was apparently around 100 years ago in his book,  The Care and Feeding of Infants, that Dr. Luther Emmet Holt publicized the notion that we should allow our infants the opportunity to practice self-soothing, say when they are upset, or when they’ve been left to fall asleep alone. “Ferberization”, “respecting babies’ right to cry”, “controlled crying”, or the less friendly Holtian terminology, “cry it out”, are all ways that parenting “experts” have referred to the practice of leaving children to manage their own emotions. We’re coached by such pundits to ignore the crying, and/or to sit nearby and not help or make eye-contact, and/or to only intervene if the child is making himself sick with the emotion or is in danger. We’re told that “giving in” to the crying, giving them attention for tears, or not allowing them the opportunity to practice self-soothing trains them to be too dependent on us and teaches them how to manipulate us with their emotional displays.

And I can’t mince words here, I have to say, that’s all a bunch of utter and completenonsense.

I don’t mean to be rude about it. I know that how we treat our kids is so close to our own hearts, and so subconsciously tangled with our own upbringings, self-identities, and triggers. I know that many of us are so full of disinformation about parenting, and children, and the process of maturation, that it’s tremendously difficult to weed out the good- and right-feeling options from the piles and piles of bullsh!t. I know, firsthand, what it’s like to struggle with ineptitude and inexperience when there is a living breathing tiny human depending on you to keep her alive, and well-cared-for, and healthy, let alone happy. I know the kind of reassurance it carries when someone tells you, “babies are resilient, he’ll be fine…”, “sometimes they cry like that no matter what, just let her get it all out…”,  or “eventually, they just stop on their own, if you don’t mess with them…”. And I have actually witnessed an unassisted baby cry until giving up, until stopping. I now feel certain that a baby left to cry without help, doesn’t (eventually) quit because she is “self-soothing”, but rather because her brain has shut itself down from overwhelming panic and stress. Her system is riddled with Cortisol and Adrenaline and everything but minimal homeostasis and the primitive survival mechanism of quiet “fright” is totally. switched. off. This catatonic baby isn’t soothed, it’s instinctually playing dead.

To be fair, there are kernels of truth in the myth of the self-soothing infant. Babies do sometimes cry and cry and cry, even after we’ve addressed every potential need we can think of — fed them, changed them, burped them, napped them, checked them for something causing pain or illness, etc.. Sometimes they have pressing emotional hurts that we can’t see; or need to heal lingering, even old, dormant hurts; and crying is the only way they can deal with it. Crying can be healing to be sure — but it absolutely has to be supported, “in arms” crying, in order to work in that respect.

Another kernel of truth is that infants do have some reflexive mechanisms for soothing. One is of course, suckling, which I think more than anything else refers to and/or drives the infant toward the comfort that comes from nursing, which is another major reflexive soothing mechanism. Suckling, however, and the infant’s ability to eventually get her own fist to her mouth in order to use it for that purpose is not, as the “experts” tell us, evidence of the baby willfully self-soothing. Again, suckling is an instinctual reflex — and primarily a reflex built for breastfeeding — not a conscious, “Oh, I’m feeling upset, let me calm myself down” response to upsetting stimuli. And while offering a baby a pacifier to suck on in times of duress can help calm the baby’s brain in a “bottom-up”, primitive manner by attempting to induce positive feelings instead of the painful ones, it does not help wire the brain to manage future duress in the way(s) that assisting baby with our touch, rocking, soothing words, safe arms, and empathy do (which is all called “top-down” emotional soothing).

Leaving a baby to try and “suckle it out” on her own, is akin to only letting her ever ride bikes with training wheels. She won’t be able to balance herself nearly as well if she isn’t given the opportunity to feel what that’s like (first through experiential training, then through instruction, guidance, and support from us, and then through her own practice). The same analogy can be used in the opposite way, as well, in that if we just throw her on a bike all by herself and say, “You got this, I’m going to respect your right to bike!”, and shove her off down the road, she’s going to crash just as surely as you’re reading these words. And by the way, riding a bike is comparative child’s play to mitigating our own upsetting emotions. We all know plenty of adults, or are ones ourselves, who struggle or still can’t get the hang of self-soothing…

So while the brain does come with a rudimentary reflexive positive-feeling-generating mechanism to balance out mild unrest, it is still wholly incapable of successfully employing such a mechanism when the emotional state has reached overwhelm. For one thing, the stress hormone, Cortisol, blocks the release of Oxytocin, which otherwise calms the baby and helps him feel good. An infant’s suckling is not powerful enough to manage a Cortisol cascade like that which being left to cry without support will induce. For serious upset, especially as the infant ages into toddlerhood and the reasons for upset become more complex and personal, every child needs caregiver assistance to safely discharge the feelings, calm down in the moment, and wire the synapses for being able to consciously process and regulate emotion in the future.

If, for whatever reason, we don’t provide emotional support for our upset babies and children, then we set in motion a different version of development for them — a thwarted version. This version is more hyper-reactive to stress, is more likely to respond reflexively to upset (read: more like a primitive animal than a thinking human…); and is less likely to be able to process difficult emotions, maintain impulse control, manage creative problem-solving, or consciously calm down when experiencing duress. That’s not how the brain is supposed to be wired, but it’s what has happened to whole generations of humans, and we have all suffered for it. Our prisons, hospitals, mental health centers, shelters, and “safe-places” are brimming with people who cannot manage their emotions. Current research is linking the onset of major neuro-psychological conditions like Schizophrenia and Bipolar Disorder with epigenetic factors including the stress-levels and access to emotional processing support one has in early childhood.

The bottom line is that true self-soothing is a complex and learned habit of emotional processing guided by specific neural wiring achieved through the experience of being soothed. One of the many reasons for humans’ long childhood is to give us lots of opportunities to experience being supported while we cry and then being assisted in calming down. If we don’t get help in infancy and early childhood, then we never have a chance of developing that neural real estate as fully. If we have to do it on our own, as adults, it can take years and years of arduous therapy and/or conscientious self-work to reprogram our synapses for better emotional processing. And the current thinking is that (as with, for example, foreign languages) if we miss out in early development, it’s not only harder to learn later in life, we also never get the chance to master those skills as well as we would have if given proper exposure in early development (the optimal neural window for developing the proclivity for those faculties…).

Intentional, conscious self-soothing is not childs’ play. If we want our kids to develop healthy habits, and strong synapses, for it in the eventual, then we have to be serious about assisting them. It’s our job to “teach” them how to self-soothe: to make room for their emotional processing, to allow them to cry safely in our arms, and then (through our continued empathy and touch) to trigger their return to calm, and higher brain functioning. Only by doing so — over and over again, time after time, throughout early childhood — can we train their brains to do it, and do it well, for themselves. And only after years of this process, can we expect them to truly self-soothe. Anyone who tells you differently, is trying to sell you something.

So, I mentioned most of them above, but here’s the quick list of ways to wire your child’s maturing brain for eventual self-soothing prowess (remembering, of course, that these are generally for use after you’ve attempted to address any needs s/he might have):

In infancy (and with minimal upsets) —
• Warmth: it can be as simple as helping himcozy up, and often the best spot is under a blanket, naked on your bare chest; it might seem perfunctory, but try it, and you’ll see magic (especially if you also use chest-to-chest time in between upsets…).
• Rocking/Movement: you know what this looks like; and if you’re like me, then you spontaneously start doing it even just looking at babies…
• Suckling: see if you can help baby find her fist to chew on; if the emotion is a little more intense, and you are ok with them, try a binky (I onlyencourage the use of pacifiers for upsetting moments, not a general chew-toy); or offer to breast- or bottle-feed (and yes, I am suggesting nursing for comfort — from an infant’s perspective, that’s all it ever is…).

And continuing throughout development (and/or during more serious upset) —
• Touch: gentle caresses, hugs, even just a finger on his toe helps make way for him to discharge the painful feelings and begin to change his brain chemistry, releasing Oxytocin and breaking the Cortisol grip; and remember chest-to-chest time just for fun, since it helps wire his brain for better Oxytocin release and reception.
• Taking Time: slow way down when upsetting emotion overwhelms her, make room for her feelings; and when you know she’s having a day when she needs to release, provide time for it instead of trying to coax (or threaten…) her out of it; allow for emotional processing because once it’s out and the brain chemistry shifts, then everythingis easier — the birds come tweeting out, the sun warms the shimmering hills over which the rainbow arches, and all is gloriously well in the world after every major storm…
• Talking it Out: another thing that helps, especially as children age, is “using our words” — I usually hate when I hear parents robotically whine that at their kids, but — there’s good brain science that says talking about our feelings helps us process them in that “top-down” manner that once wired-in makes it easier for the brain to have tough feelings and still not lose control and go “all ape-sh!t” as they say, so let your kids talk about the feelings involved; and you, too, can use words to help you process your own feelings more easily when you’re triggered — just try naming the feelings (without blaming them on anyone…).
• Empathy: the number one way to help, especially but not only verbal kids, is to actively empathize, and here I don’t just mean to try on the perspective (although that is a necessary first step), but to (also) actually express your genuine understanding of your kid’s predicament; get down on his level and look him in the eye and let him know that you get it — when you really successfully communicate that to him, he’ll transform in front of you (he may crumble into you and weep, and then/or his pain may melt away, and then/or he will bounce out of the upset emotion into a happier state than was previously available to him).

And for you visual types who maybe haven’t see it before, here’s a lovely graphic that Natalie and I created (and which you can get here) to help illustrate all of the above:

 So now you know, if you didn’t or only suspected before, and you can tell those “experts” when they encourage you to let your infant self-soothe herself to sleep, or try to get you to stop reacting to his emotions so that he’ll learn to self-soothe — “Well, actually ‘self-soothing’ is a very complex neural process that takes years of support and guidance to properly develop. And that’s exactly what I’m doing by responding quickly and calmly to my child’s cries, and helping with my child’s emotional processing, and physically triggering the neural processes my child’s brain has to learn to do so that it can begin to do it on it’s own. Thanks though!” Feel free to print that out to have on hand and read aloud if need be. ;)

Here’s more supporting links for you:
• A parent’s video guide to skin-to-skin contact with their infants
• Great article on recent research into effects of mother’s touch on infants
• Another great article (with scientific notation!) on various aspects of emotion regulation
• One of my favorite blogger’s posts called, “What you Need to Know about Crying-it-Out”
• A great basic description of brain areas involved in emotion.
• A scholarly chapter from Stanford on conceptual foundations in emotion regulation (nice overview of some contemporary science in this arena).
• Another, even better scholarly article from Emotion and Motivation Vol. 27, No. 2 on emotion regulation (with loads of citations as well)
• An article from Genevieve Simperingham on some beneficial effects of stress-release crying as well as a little of her own experience with Aware Parenting, made popular by Aletha Solter, Ph.D.
• An article from Solter herself on “assisted crying”; also my historical source on Dr. Holt… (also with citations)

*

Be well.

Author: Nathan M McTague, CPCC, CPDE

Why Do We Care if Children Develop Empathy?

Definition:

Empathy is the capability to share another being's emotions and feelings.

Not to be confused with sympathy: Sympathy is the feeling of compassion, concern and/or pity for another, the wish to see them better off or happier. 

But why do we care if our children develop empathy? 

Early On

• A child that has a sense of empathy is able to negotiate. When he can recognize the feelings of another and imagine what that emotional state would feel like, a child is far more likely to want to compromise, to reach an agreement that feels good to all parties involved.

          example: 

         Mom: Oh Caleb, that's the toy that baby was playing with. Will you give it back to him?

         Caleb: No! I want it.

         Mom: Can you see how sad the baby feels? His face is all crumpled and he's crying and reaching for that toy. He was so happy playing with it.

         Caleb: But he can play with another toy... Wait, I can give him this toy back and then he will be happy again! And when he throws it on the floor I can pick it up and have a turn!

• An empathetic child is naturally polite and well mannered. "Thank You" and "Please" feel good, and this is clear to a child that recognizes the emotional state of others. This is why, when empathy is in place, there is no place for prompting, there is in fact no need.

         example: 

        Child: Thank you for the present!

        Aunt Sue: Oh, you are so welcome! I am so glad you like it.

        Child (to mom): Mom, Aunt Sue liked it that I said thank you to her.

        Mom: Yes she did. She was so happy you liked it and it felt really good to her to be thanked.

• A child that has developed empathy is kind. There is a natural drive to help others feel good, so when an child notices the duress of another, he is likely to look for ways to be of service.

          example:

          Child: Mama, that girl at the pet shop doesn't have any Silly Bandz. She's sad about that. Next time we go there I want to bring her some of the ones that I wear.

• An empathetic child is cooperative because the feelings of others are noticed and momentarily vicariously felt, making her more inclined to adjust her own actions to help others.

          example: 

          Mom: Baby, I am super cold standing outside of the car, here in the snow. Will you hop quickly into the car seat and let me buckle you up?

          Child: Sure Mom. Will you count how fast I am? And then you can get inside where it is toasty warm!

• A child that has the ability to empathize is not dependent on rules, or an adult reminding him of those rules. He will be sure to not hit his friend, not because there is a rule that says: No Hitting (and an adult ready to mete out punishment for rule-breakers), but because his friend will feel hurt, sad, or both.

          example: 

          Child: I scraped my feet along the sides of the slide to slow me down because Larkin was at the bottom and I didn't want to crash into him! That would hurt so bad wouldn't it? 'Cuz my feet are super hard and his face is super soft. 

• An empathetic child can be parented by any member of the community. Any adult that can describe the emotional situation, and offer empathy and information, can have an influence over a child that cares about the feelings of others. Authority isn't necessary, nor is a knowledge of "the rules".

           example: 

           Uncle Bob: Hey kids, it looks like the wall is getting a little bashed up from your jumping. I'm concerned that your dad will be bummed out by that. If I put the cushions down here will you switch to jumping there?

• A child that uses empathy makes good decisions. Naturally factoring in the emotions of others makes for choices that make sense for all. This is also known as common sense.

          example:

          Child: I put my shoes in a stack near the coat rack. I don't want to leave them on the stairs! No way! 'Cuz someone could trip on them. That wouldn't be good!  

Later

• A child with empathy will later use empathy with their own kids, and then those kids will develop empathy. 

• A child that develops empathy becomes an older kid, or adult, that is enjoyable to be around. Empathetic friends are the very best kind, the sort that you call at the most trying times, their house the one you run to when in distress. The friend that uses empathy, listening and feeling, instead of judging and advising is the kind of friend you want for life.

          example: a.(empathy)

          Julie: I just don't know what to do. Mark is just not the man I thought I was marrying and I am so pissed-off and sad about that. Arg!

          Sophia: Oh man! That is so upsetting, huh? Disappointment, anger, sadness all mixed together. BUMMER. This is not the way you wanted things to be.

          b. (advising and judging)

          Julie: I just don't know what to do. Mark is just not the man I thought I was marrying and I am so pissed-off and sad about that. Arg!

           Sophie: Ugh! Mark is such a jerk! You know he is always going to be that way. You should just kick him to the curb.

• A child that learns empathy can use self-empathy as an adult. Self-empathy is a valuable tool when facing an emotional challenge. It is invaluable for emotional health because it means that she can feel better without needing to change her circumstances or the actions and feelings of others. Simply recognizing her own feelings and giving herself empathy for them can help tremendously.

          example: 

          Oh my god! I am having such a hard time right now. I am sleepy and crabby and the kids keep fighting. Man I am frustrated.

• A child that learns, through empathy, to make good decisions, will become an adult that makes good empathetic decisions. Examples of this are:

            - putting the cell phone on vibrate or turning it to off when at dinner.

            - taking only one piece of cake so that there is enough for everyone.

            - picking up your dog's poop, even if there isn't a law that dictates doing so.

• A child that is empathetic will grow into an empathetic adult, perhaps an empathetic world leader. A soldier need be devoid of empathy, or at least able to set empathy aside if he/she is to raise a weapon and kill others. World peace, an idea as large as that, starts with an empathetic child.

For Parents

• With empathy as a parenting tool, parents don't have to know the answer or the solution to every problem. In fact, by receiving genuine empathy, by feeling heard and understood, a child is then free to come up with her own solutions. (Often these solutions are not ones that we as parents would ever dream up.)

          example: 

          Mom: You're really sad and frustrated huh? You want those doll clothes to fit but they don't. And we don't know where the other ones are, huh? Darn it.

          Child: Yeah! And I don't want my baby to be naked because then she doesn't look real, like a kid.

          Mom: Yeah. You have a certain idea of how you want to play and things aren't working out.

          Child: Oh! I know! How 'bout the baby is a newborn! Because babies come out of the belly naked! That will be perfect!

• Empathy is another way to love each other. By truly seeing one another and stepping into each others emotional shoes we are loving effectively and profoundly.

• When empathy is in play everything is easier.

• Empathy works.

ps. Every one of the examples above are taken directly from our life.

AUTHOR: Natalie Christensen

FatherNation - Nathan talks about leaving praise and punishment behind

Digging a Little Deeper than “Misbehavior”

So — there’s this dirty little parenting myth that started decades ago and that lingers still in the rarely mentioned corners of the current social parenting contract corrupting the ears of those who listen, and driving opposition into the hearts of families everywhere. I make it sound sinister, because — well, it is. No one set out to make it so. No one started the parenting shift toward managing positive and negative behaviors as a strategy for instilling character and making our children become good people in order to hurt anyone. No one made Behaviorism the predominant psychological model underpinning all of Western Society’s parenting in order to be mean. We’ve just wound up justifying being mean in order to make our kids good people.

Over time, and according to the predominant mythos, we’ve adopted the habit — the behavioral trait, if you will — of dealing with our kids on the level of behaviors almost exclusively. We’re constantly mowing down behaviors we don’t like (only to have others crop up in their stead), and desperately watering and nurturing and pruning to cultivate the behaviors we do like. Culturally, especially in America, we’re obsessed with “halting misbehavior in it’s tracks!” and just as vehemently if not more so with “catching them being good”, in order of course to make them do whatever that good behavior was more. We’ve been coaxed into believing that if we do these things — if we make them do more good actions and not do as many bad actions — that our children will then in due course (and with due diligence on our parts) become good people. They’ll choose to do the good things we’ve made or bribed them into doing because we’ve made it habitual for them to do so (especially if there’s a reward or punishment around to be the parent in our stead…). They may hate us for it, but they’ll be good people with a strong sense of discipline the myth assures us.

Now, honestly, it would be one thing if this were a viable method. If it worked (particularly, if it was, as the myth portends, the only thing that worked), then it’d be worth considering as an approach to at least ponder from time to time, to pepper in, so to speak. But it doesn’t even do what it set out to do. The scientifically proven method that works so well on so many other species, that even works quite well with adult humans, when applied to human children over time fails utterly at both instilling the behaviors it sets out to instill and inhibiting those behaviors it sets out to inhibit. It furthermore creates resistance to, both, the preferred behaviors and to the system by which the behaviors are manipulated; it also creates a preference for the prohibited behaviors or others of their kind. If you need convincing go to the man who burned down the Behaviorism tower, himself, Alfie Kohn. His quintessential books, Punished by Rewards, and Unconditional Parenting, collect and elucidate the reams of psychological research uncovering the inability of the Behavioristic approach to control our children’s actions — especially in the long run, and especially if there isn’t a reward-and-punisher standing over them.

You know why it doesn’t work? Because we humans are funny. We’re simpler and more complex than Behaviorism pretends. As it turns out, there’s a whole lot that goes into why we choose, or subconsciously move toward, certain actions and not others. Whether we are going to be rewarded or punished (if we’re caught) doesn’t always enter into the equation when humans are embroiled in their amazing interactions with each other. Most of the time we’re acting because of something we think or feel that motivates us — often in spite of almost all the consequences, as we tend to pay way more attention to the outcomes that agree with what we’re motivated toward. Good feelings — which biochemically tend to also invoke good thoughts, resulting in more good feelings, and so on, — inspire actions that most of us like. Less comfortable feelings, especially those ones we’d pretty much all call “bad”, make us biochemically uncomfortable in our minds and bodies; and one of the most common ways of discharging this discomfort is in destructive, disharmonious, uncooperative, even violent action. And if strong emotion is involved, particularly with kids, then there is a loss of higher brain function, and a diminished ability to make “good choices”, to feel empathy, to act compassionately, to even be self-aware, or able to control impulses, or calm down.

This is one reason it’s unfair to expect a child who is feeling awful to do anything otherthan “misbehave”. They are almost incapable of choosing another course because their feelings are interrupting their brain’s ability to control itself. They are out of their minds. They plead temporary insanity! Give ’em a break judge! ;)

If we really want to effect how our children are behaving, we have to get down underneath the actions themselves, and take a good look at the feelings involved. If it helps, think of their actions as physical code for their feelings. Usually if the feelings are uncomfortable, if the kid is acting out because she feels so rotten, it’s because she has a need (perceived or not) that is going unmet. It’s a further “complexity” in human psychology, but a simple truth, that those “uncomfortable feelings” I describe above, that lead to what we might generally call “disagreeable actions”, most commonly spring from needs that are lingering, causing unsafe, disconnective, unworthy, untrusting feelings or the like which then spring into other feelings of anger and rage and antagonism in order to protect the brain from fear.

It goes like this: unmet needs lead to uncomfortable feelings and out of those come disagreeable actions. And the opposite is how we respond: if we don’t like the actions, then we attempt to assist with the feelings informing the actions, and afterward (because co-processing feelings should always come first) if necessary, we address any underlying unmet needs involved with the uncomfortable feelings (recognizing that often just letting out some uncomfortable feelings and/or getting the connection that comes from doing the process together is enough and no other needs have to be addressed right then). In my opinion, all of parenting is distilled into managing the two directions of this flow.

As Jane Nelsen of the Positive Discipline movement boils it down, “When children feelbetter, they do better.” I’d go further to say, when children feel better, they think better, they function better, and they’re more capable. At the level of neurochemistry, we empower our children to be “on their best behavior”, simply by being connected to them and helping them get their needs met.

As it turns outs, when we shrug off the Behavioristic shroud obscuring everything our children do, when we take a look underneath their actions, connect with them through empathizing with their feelings, and help them meet their underlying needs, then we get a chance to know what’s below all that, we get to know the truth — namely, that our children always already are good people. They’re like all of us — when our needs are met, and we feel good, we shine. If we give our kids the chance to act from a place of feeling good and connected and supported and with their needs met, then they will surprise us with the kind, compassionate, empathetic choices they will naturally make.

We don’t have to wonder how to make them be good, we just have to give them the chance to be the good people they already are. Yes, we’ll have to show them the ropes — teach them action codes that display feeling good in a socially conducive manner, as well as, how to get their needs met without destroying anything — and it takes time for them to develop their behavioral-linguitic abilities, and the synaptic integrity to manage their emotions and still make good choices under duress. But the goodness (and by that we all really just mean the capacity for human tenderness, social concourse, and cooperation), no matter what it takes to develop it, is always there. If we help them get their needs met, and process their emotions in healthy ways, then their goodness will blossom. And when they’re doing things that we don’t like, it’s just a sign that they need our help to keep the garden healthy.

We don’t have to be stuck spinning our wheels in the behavior-mowing game. We can get past all that kind of maintenance. And when we do, when we nurture the soil, when we meet the garden’s needs, then the goodness comes flowering out; and we can sit back and enjoy the roses!

Now, maybe you’ve never gardened this way and you think I’m making it up… Maybe like an industrial farmer, you’re skeptical of this kind of “permaculture”, or you’re not sure how to get started. Feel free to contact us if you want to discuss it more, or if you want help converting your garden. We can show you the best tools and how to dig under those weedy actions, as well as how to build up the soil so it produces the good flora that you’d rather see. Don’t hesitate to get in touch — We're here to help! <3

Author: Nathan M McTague, CPCC

Poke, Poke

Here's one from the archives. A delightful example of the "Punishment" topic that comes up so often in our courses and workshops. This post is from 2010 when Echo and Xi were three and seven.

There is never a dull moment around here. Even the mundane tasks are accompanied by outrageous outbursts, and dramatic exchanges, all adding up to straight-up absurdity. I guess houses with children are like this. Last night while making mac and cheese Xi ran into the kitchen.

"NALLIE!!! I don't want her to stab me with a unicorn..."

(Both Bella and Xi call me Nallie - their own title for their step-mom)

"Oh." I shout, " ECHO SHE DOESN'T WANT YOU TO STAB HER WITH A UNICORN!"

Echo slumps out of the bedroom. "But I want to ask her something!"

So I say, "Xi she wants to ask you something."

And Xi says, "I don't want to talk to her" and then she slumps into the bedroom.

It's all sounding crazy to me and I don't understand a lick of it so I go back to stirring noodles when I hear Echo rummaging around the toys and saying to herself, "I'm going to get a pointy unicorn and swing it at her! I'm gonna stab her right in the leg with the horn! I'm  gonna..."

So I say, "Ya know, I just don't think that will work for you love. Xi is just going to get upset and then you will get upset and then you won't get to ask her what you want to ask her". Echo trundles in to the bedroom anyway, despite the obvious logic of my reasoning and the obvious lack of logic in her tactic. So I dutifully follow, figuring that keeping the children safe is really the bare minimum requirement of parenting.

I enter to see Echo ramming a plastic unicorn horn into Xi's leg  saying, "I'm gonna poke her! Poke! Poke!". I make a move to intervene when Xi stops me.

"No Nallie, don't stop her, it doesn't hurt.". And letting Echo know she is failing, she says, "Echo this unicorn is too soft. It doesn't hurt me.". And then things get really confusing when she says, "How 'bout you try and bite me??". They then start gleefully pursuing each other around the house.

See what I mean? Absurdity.

This is why I make the argument that making rules, such as No Hitting or No Biting, doesn't make sense. There are only actions and reactions. Needs and feelings. On this day, for Echo and Xi at least, biting was a perfectly delightful game. Apparently far preferable to unicorn horn poking. You never would be able to predict that.

I think most parents do too much work. They enter into arguments, try to determine a truthful chronology of events, then single out which is the victim, which is the aggressor, huff and puff about poor choices, figure out a punishment and hang around enforcing the punishment. Sheesh. If you use empathy for all parties, give and gather information about needs and feelings instead of the classic crime and punishment scenario you are freed from this chore, freed from the pressure to have the answers. Holding both children, listening to their concerns without judgement, leaves room for them to find their own solutions.

I certainly would never have come up with the "let's bite each other instead!" solution. They came to this on their own. And even though it makes no sense to me it makes sense to them. That's what matters. Their relationship was at play in this scenario. Let's face it, in an ordinary household Echo would have been put in timeout for her actions. I would then have been monitoring the time-out instead of stirring noodles. She would have been crying about her isolation instead of thinking about Xi's feelings and figuring out a way to work it out. And Xi would have been denied a playmate, and a chance to interact in a way that felt better to her.

A few minutes later Echo approached Xi with two different unicorns, and these apparently were pointy enough to make Xi yelp when Echo stabbed them at her ankles. At this point I asked Echo if she wanted attention from Xi. She said yes, so I helped her formulate a request. She then approached Xi, sans unicorns, and said;

"Xi, I want your attention. Will you give me some?"

Xi smiled, bent down, and scooped Echo up. "Sure!"

If Echo were wailing away in time-out this happy ending would not have been possible. If I had demanded that the children make sense in the first place I wouldn't have been able to guess at Echo's need for attention, and Xi wouldn't get the satisfaction of meeting that need. If absurdity and strong emotions weren't both welcome in our home we wouldn't get the opportunity to work our way through conflict, albeit in a kooky manner.

Pokey unicorns. You just never know where it's going. But the best part is that you don't have to.

Author: Natalie Christensen

Empathy Schmimpathy… Why Bother?!

There’s a change occurring in the world of parenting today. A gradual shift is taking shape and gliding toward new ways of envisioning and inhabiting the parent-child relationship. The old adages we grew up with — of children being seen and not heard, of sparing the rod risking spoiling the child, and of doing as I say not as I do — are loosing their mental grip on Western society and new thoughts and ideas are filling in that space. No one had Attachment Theory when our grandparents were being raised — though some of them of course were still experiencing deep parent-child bonding — there wasn’t a way of referencing it or of disseminating it as an approach to parenting, it wasn’t studied, it more than likely wasn’t even present in the intellectual mind of any parent using its like (much the way that something like “sexism in the workplace” wouldn’t be present in their thinking). Beginning with our great-/grandparents, most people in “developed countries”, until quite recently and statistically speaking still, parent/ed using at least some version (however mythologized it may have been) of B.F. Skinner’s Behaviorism and/or it’s antecedent and decedent modes of cultural thinking. When his work actually came out and was spread through the scientific community it shone as the loan example of science’s approach to parenting and so it rang as the tune of truth — unchallenged.

Today, we’re seeing what in many ways has reached the critical mass to be called a sweeping movement away from behavioral modification techniques, and toward methods of relating with our children that honour the biochemical and emotional bonds and the neural design of connection and social development that most humans naturally carry and express and share. Put another way, we’re realizing as a species that what works best in raising our young is to respect our nature as nurturers. We are exploring the antipodes of our parenting minds only to find our-instinctual-selves waiting for us upon those foreign shores. We’re now doing the research and now able to peek inside some of  the neurological processes involved in child development, and it is becoming clearer and clearer that we are hard-wired to connect and work socially together, but the manner in which we are connected with directly relates to how well we develop our innate predilections. The other thing that has now been researched quite a bit more since the days of Skinner’s rise to popularity is just how deleterious behavior modification techniques can be to development, to the parent-child relationship, and to the emotional life of the child (throughout development and into adulthood), as well as how ineffectual behavior modification itself is as a tool in parenting — both in reproducing preferred behaviors and in reducing the ones that aren’t preferred. Having the current perspective that behavior modification doesn’t work and has negative repercussions on development and emotional stability on the one hand, and strong neuroscience displaying both the apparatuses for social(-izing) connection and the developmental effects of healthy attachment on these neural structures on the other hand, presents humanity with the grand opportunity to give ourselves over/back to our natures and our natural nurturing drives and instincts. And we seem to be doing just that.

One of the fastest growing subtitles of parenting advice is Attachment Parenting and its various offshoots — Positive Parenting, Natural Parenting, Connection Parenting, Gentle Parenting, Authentic Parenting, Aware Parenting and Empathy Parenting, among others. Natalie and I call the constellation of points we specialize in — Parenting on the SameTeam — and while it is Attachment-based, we include aspects that go beyond the establishment and maintenance of attachment itself and focus on using the bond to build relationship and using that relationship to enhance our children’s development and inspire co-operation in both the long and short terms. And we, along with a whole host of other parenting thinkers, theorists, and mentors, happen to believe that Empathy is the sharpest tool in the proverbial shed of parenting.

So what’s all the hubbub, Bub? What’s the big freaking brain deal?! Why is it so  important that we bother using Empathy (with a capital blinking E) when wrangling our  particular (packs of) ankle-biters? And how the heck is all this snuggling supposed to help teach kids how to be good?!

Well here’s my current list of reasons why Empathy is the most important parenting technique we can learn: 

• First and foremost — Empathy is the root of all social guidelines. Every decent law ever written, every code of moral conduct, every rule we try to instill in our children, all center on and originate from empathizing with others. That’s the end and it therefore ought to be the means of every direction or re-direction or interaction involving behavior(s). Teaching empathy is the shortest distance between  our noble savage infants and the consistently caring, compassionate, “more civilized” adults that we hope to help them become.

• Second and secondmost — Empathizing is what our brains were meant to do. We are neurologically built to automatically internalize the experience of others we see around us. One of the processes/structures for doing that is the mirror neuron system — which, if you’ve been around this blog at all yet, you’ve endured me going on about before and with some frequency. When we see or even hear a smile, our brain runs a quick simulation of the neural-motor-process of making the same expression, and then gets an internal feel of the expression and it’s correlative emotion(s), in order for us to interpret the emotion(s) of the person smiling. When they are developed in a normal healthy manner, we use mirror neurons all day long to neurologically imitate and decipher the intent of what we experience others doing around us. In order to be able to interpret those sometimes very subtle movements and isolate those interpretations from our own feelings and even in order to understand what we ourselves are feeling and be able to regulate our emotions — we need empathy input during early development.

• Offering Empathy (en)trains our children’s brains to develop and express it themselves. Aside from the mirroring aspects of emotion, and of empathy, and of both individual and shared identity intimated above, and the manners in which modeling empathy helps teach our children’s brains to respond in kind; there is another brain structure involved here that is worth noting. It’s the cingulate cortex and I’ve mentioned it before as well. One of the interesting things about this area of the brain, largely devoted to the regulation of our emotions, is that it is one of the earliest developing (and oldest evolutionarily) structures in the so-called neo-cortex where our executive functions originate and later brain-structure enhancements reside. This old part of that new area, kicks in and begins running while the more specialized mirror neurons are adding programs (and more programs and even more programs…). So even before the infant brain is able to mirror all of what we are modeling in terms of the uses and expressions of empathy, the cingulate is aligning and harmonizing mother-infant emotional states. When a child cries out, the cingulate in his brain erupts into action, and in gearing up the mother’s brain for instantaneous responses (of various kinds across her entire nervous system), her cingulate is lighting up in much the same ways as the child’s. Interestingly, her immediate and calm response and the internal machinations of her own system’s calming itself down, help the mother to calm the child just by cingulate entrainment with him. Over time, the mother’s and other care-giver’s responses and cingulate harmonizing enable the child’s brain with  (unconscious) self-soothing capabilities — and real ones, not the mythical self-soothing abilities that are supposed to appear out of nowhere to help infants put themselves to bed — as well as engendering a stronger cingulate response and fuller expression of empathy when they go to respond to others in need. Put more simply, when a mother responds empathetically to her child, she empowers the child’s brain with greater capacity for empathy. This all happens without a single lesson on why it’s important or on how to act with empathy.

• Responding to our children’s emotional processes with Empathy assists them in full neural development and access. You’ve surely heard, and I’ve of course mentioned before that we have three basic levels to our brains. The reptilian brain is the oldest most basic set of structures, governs all the bodily functions necessary to stay alive, and is shared among all living vertebrates. The mammalian brain governs our emotions and social behavior, is newer than, built on top of, but is superseded in developmental and functional priority by the reptilian portion. The rational brain is the latest set of neural structures and governs our abilities to problem-solve, think creatively, make decisions, and choose to express kindness among others, and its development and our access to  it on any given day are contingent on the lower brains’ stability. If humans are emotionally upset, especially children, we lose access to our higher functions, and increasingly so as we get more upset. The reptilian and mammalian brains can just jump in and take control until their needs are met. If we happen to get truly upset, the reptilian brain will send us into fight-or-flight mode, temporarily usurping even our ability to process our emotions or access “mammalian processing” at all. So in order to help kids survive infancy, we have to take care of the reptilian brain. In order to give them access to social functioning, we have to care for the both the reptilian brain’s and the mammalian brain’s needs. And in order to develop and have access to the executive functioning in the rational brain, we have to tend to not only it’s needs but also the needs of it’s predecessors (in development, priority, and access). Sharing Empathy is the single best means for helping children process all emotions and get access to, and over time better develop, their executive capabilities. When we empathize with our little ones, and help them move through emotions they are processing, we help naturalize this process for them, we help make room for rational brain development, and we deepen the connections that make them feel safe and secure enough to continue developing and eventually spending more time in an executive-able state. When they “regress” during emotional episodes, we can use empathy to help them get through the feelings, and return to their (more) rational minds.

• Empathy feels good to us and safe to our children. When humans empathize, we feel the connective consciousness that comes with it. We feel closer to ourselves (if we’re self-empathizing) and to others (when offering empathy outward). When our children feel us hold them with our empathy, and can lean on us when they are “incapacitated” by emotional processing, they feel safe — in the world and even from the overwhelmingness of themselves and their own emotions. That safety is good for their brains, good for their emotional regulation, and good for our shared relationship with them.

• Empathy gives parents super powers. With empathy, and when we employ it, we can melt huge hairy arguments and evaporate giant gnarly issues. When we help kids manage the big feelings that come up when issues arise for them, we often find that the issues themselves disappear as the feelings shrink and shift. Empathy “covers us” when we’re going into the fray, restores order, and mends  relations. When we use it on ourselves it can recharge our batteries, help us avoid potential disasters, and calm our own emotions enough to find patience and fortitude that we never knew we had. And, furthermore, empathizing (whether with self or others) can help reprogram our own brains to better deal with all present and future emotional stress, to choose more compassionate (re)actions, and to heal from past emotional suffering we experienced but didn’t get to release. Holy Single-Compartment Utility Belt, Batman!
  
   
• Empathy turns upsetting moments, issues, and episodes into opportunities to connect, to deepen and fortify the parent-child bond, to heal, and to prove (over and over) to our children’s brains that they are secure and welcome to develop here. By using empathy — when problems happen, they end in hugs, neural harmonizing, emotional healing and bonding, and psychological co-stabilizing. We help our children know that we can be trusted when they feel vulnerable, and we show them that relating is the way we work this life. This combination is ideal for helping to inspire co-operation in present and future endeavors, because our children wind up deepening the intellectual identification they have with us, feeling closer to us, and wanting to be caught up in the relatingof the relationship all the more.

I know there’s more I could come up with for you if I took a little more time, but at this point, I’m thinking maybe it’d be wisest not to take up any more of yours…

*

Be well my natural born empathizers. “Take the time it takes [to empathize] and it will take less time.” And don’t forget to breathe.

*

P.S. Want some ideas on how to do the empathizing? Here’s some, and here, and heresome more! And there’s an excellent video on what empathy looks like here.

Author: Nathan M. McTague, CPCC