Is It Good Business To Be Yourself?

We hope this finds you well and in a moment of ease.

Mind if we ask you a pretty personal question...?
(If you do, you might want to skip down a bit...)

How often are you being yourself? 
Have you ever wondered what the risks and benefits are for doing so?
(Asking for a friend. Haha)


Last week, our town hosted the Big Sky International Documentary Film Festival. It's amazing. We have participated in one way or another every year for over a decade. 
 

This year we decided to be major grown ups and sponsor the event itself!

- We made a pretty ad for the program that was also blown up on the big screen.
- We got official sponsor passes and vip access to all the events and parties.
- And being the majorly grown up business owners that we are, and following conventional "business wisdom", we went to as many of the events as we could to "network" with like-minded community.

We used all of the tools we teach to show up fully grounded, regulated, and energetically attractive. Again, conventional "business wisdom" would have us shaking hands with 50-100 people in a night, sharing about the amazing work we do, and giving them all an easy way to follow up.
 

But... we didn't follow conventional "business wisdom".

Because, as it turns out, we can only ever be ourselves. 

In fact we are so much ourselves and not in alignment with most conventional "business wisdom" that:

• We didn't take even a single photo.

• We shook around 15 hands – tops.

• We had deep, long, meaningful conversations with a few people, instead of networking.

When asked what we do, we'd say:

We are founders of the Center for Emotional Education. And for the last 17 years now, we've been helping successful people around the world to re-wire their brains to be better at feelings, so they can move from emotional overwhelm to Emotional Sovereignty, and finally have the lives they really want.

And then they'd tell us their story.

When asked what we would recommend for them, we shared an offering from our menu that made sense for their particular circumstances.

Dear EQ,  What do I do? - for a monthly low-investment way to begin re-wiring how their brain relates to feelings.

The Wade-In - for a taste of personalized one-to-one coaching toward re-wiring some particular aspect of their current programming.

The Snuggle Class - for learning concepts and tools to re-wire the nervous system for intimacy.

NeuroEmotional Coach Training - for learning how to support your own clients to re-wire, while re-wiring to better care for yourself. 

Emotional Sovereignty School - for re-wiring to be better at nurturing and healing oneself!

The Real-Life Magic Retreat - for a deluxe, pampered form of collaborative re-wiring that ripples outward into all parts of life, well after the retreat is over (No link yet for this, we're still deciding between St Croix or Costa Rica!)

After these events we'd look at each other and high-five because we were:

• 100% ourselves

• 100% authentic

• 100% regulated

• 100% in connection with the people we met

But we also wondered:

Did we just "do good business"?
Or, as conventional wisdom would tell us, did we just do no business?

 

What do you think?
 

Are you able to be yourself when you want to?

What beliefs, or "conventional wisdom" get in the way of your regulation and authenticity?

Is there ever a good reason to go along with conventional rules of behavior?


We'd love to know what you think!


Much love,
Natalie and Nathan

New Idea for a New Opportunity!

We hope you're sitting in a ray of sunshine at the moment!

This is just a quick note to let you know about a new (and maybe once only) idea we have for people who could not attend NeuroEmotional Coach Training this year. 

We're already in Unit Four of this life-changing course, but we keep hearing from folks that were so ready for this training and, for whatever reason, could not make it work to attend live.

So in the spirit of making NeuroEmotional skills available to as many people as possible, and for the first time ever...
 

we are offering a self-paced home version!

You will get access to the recordings of each class, as we roll them out, and all the support materials (handouts, quick guides, templates, etc) as well. And get a 38% discount on tuition for the course

You can:

• study after the baby goes to bed!

• binge 4 units in a row!

• pause the class and come back after lunch!
   

As in all our offerings, you have access to the course content to review as much as you like – for life.

And if you want to continue on after this training, and get certified with us, the home version will count toward Certification.

Does this sound like something you want?

If so, schedule a quick chat with one of us, we'll answer any questions you may have, and get you set up!

We're offering this new idea at a 38% discount off the normal tuition for the live version of NeuroEmotional Coach Training. And because this is just in service of those who were unable to join us live this year, this offer expires March 1st.

If this is the just right thing for you – fantastic! You can set up a time for us, using the button below, and we'll get you on board.

And in any case, we're cheering you on!


Love,
Natalie and Nathan

Is Your Relationship Healthy? It's Time To Crunch the Numbers

We hope this letter finds you in a cozy moment.

Do you like February, in general?
How's 2024 so far?

We're heading toward Valentine's Day – which is one of those holidays that tends to invite very mixed feelings.

Some people love a day in which to shower their partner with words of affirmation and flowers, while others find a day in which we are forced to buy something generic for our partner absolutely disingenuous.
Some people look forward to this day as a time to celebrate their relationship, and still others cringe at this time of year, not wanting to face the fact that their relationship has drifted off course.

Here at the Center, we like to make room for alllllll the feelings. Taking stock and wading into emotional terrain, with support, is how we build our Emotional Intelligence, shift our neurochemistry, and enjoy a life we have exquisitely designed. 

So in the name of taking stock, and wading into emotional terrain, we proudly introduce our new...

This is a free downloadable worksheet in which you can score your relationship based on 6 main elements: Communication, Conflict, Collaboration, Connection, Touch, and Balance.

Along with your calculator you will also receive 5 letters from us that help you continue to explore and support your relationship.


Let us know how it goes!

What feelings come up when you read back through your answers?

What element stands out as being particularly robust in your relationship?

What element would you like to support further?

We're cheering you on!


Love,
Natalie and Nathan

You May be New to the Center for Emotional Education

Here's what's coming up next:
___________________________________________________

The Snuggle Class
Bringing NeuroEmotional Tools to the Bedroom
___________________________________________________

Dear EQ, What Do I Do?
Emotionally Intelligent Ideas for Life's Challenges
Monthly Support
___________________________________________________

Complimentary "Feel Better Already" Strategy Session
 

Common Emotional Advice Isn't Good Enough

Yes, it’s possible to move through emotion easily without getting bogged down in days of misery.

But it means we have to think differently than the usual "helpful" suggestions.

Recently, someone asked us, "How do you two stay so grounded and positive all the time?"

We said. We don't. We feel all the feelings - including fear, powerlessness, anger, and jealousy - and use our 3-part system to come back to a naturally positive and grounded state.

This person was like, What?!?!

This person, like everyone else, has been steeped in all the cultural messaging that we should always be POSITIVE, GRATEFUL, CALM, and MEASURED. And since this is the mythos in which she lives, if she's feeling uncomfortable, she thinks there is something wrong with her, and that she just needs to _____________ (work harder, exercise more, develop a cleaning routine, breathe more, etc).


If this is the guidance we get and it still doesn't work, no wonder people hate dealing with emotions!


Feeling the whole spectrum of emotion, instead of stuffing it or bypassing it, is so unusual, it seems ludicrous. That's okay. We're cool with being unusual if it means we're good at emotions.

Here are the things we hear people say in order to talk themselves out of exploring the opportunities we offer, like Emotional Sovereignty School.

“But I do yoga, that should be enough”

“Who has time for purposeful emotion?”

“I can't afford to pause my life for feelings.”

And yet...

Other people just like you have done it.

Cancer patients.
Marketing executives.
Low-income parents.
People who run their own business.
People with a college degree.
People without a high school diploma.
Grandparents.
Single moms with kids on the spectrum.
Tech executives.
Baristas.
Artists.

They were reading an email exactly like this...and they made a decision to master their emotional experience.

Look at a few results from our Emotional Sovereignty students — our course on how to re-wire your nervous system for better health, wealth, and relationships.

Lauren, NeuroEmotional Mentor, Yoga Teacher, Doula, Ayurvedic Postpartum,Care Specialist, Mother, and Wife

“Emotional Sovereignty School is an exquisitely life-changing journey...

Natalie and Nathan are both incredibly mindful, loving, intelligent, profoundly emotionally safe, full of integrity, and with decades of experience.

I’m not kidding, this learning WILL change your life, all of your relationships - and give you the tools to create more of what you truly desire.

Yep, it’s that amazing.”

Nathaniel, Father, Husband, NeuroEmotional Coach, Sacred Son, Friend, Facilitator of Guided Energy and Core Belief Work

“These techniques I learned with the Center for Emotional Education have helped me tremendously.

Learning how to support myself and others, and understanding the physiology of my nervous system, has been empowering and liberating.

I no longer experience panic.
 
And when I do experience anxiety I am able to head it off at the pass and to regulate back to my baseline, and do so faster and faster over time.

Anxiety doesn’t have the wheel anymore, it’s still in the car but it’s no longer driving.”

Nikki, Business Owner, Community Leader, Mother, Wife

“Emotional Sovereignty School taught me how to better stay in tune with the connection between my body and emotions allowing me to have freedom of choice in my responses to daily challenges.”

Are you the next one to reap the rewards of a remodeled nervous system?

The doors to Emotional Sovereignty School are open now and will remain open until August 7th at 11:59pm, Pacific.

We really hope to see you in class.

Love,
Natalie and Nathan

A Day In Our Life of Speaking Brain

We hope this finds you in a moment of quietude.

We talk a lot about “Speaking Brain™” and brain states and emotions. But what does it actually look like to Speak Brain throughout the day?

As an example, here is an afternoon in our life….

We rode to the river after our work day. Talking over the whir of the wheels, about our complaints, concerns, and celebrations.

(aka we Spoke Emotional Brain with each other)

We came home to a surly teen that didn’t know what to wear out to dinner. I didn’t say much — certainly didn’t offer suggestions. I slowly drank my water nearby. I sprawled languidly on the couch.

(aka I Spoke Survival Brain with her)

The teen drove to dinner. I took short inhales and let out long exhales while eyeing the speedometer.

(aka I Spoke Survival Brain with myself)

Met the birthday girl and walked to the restaurant. She had lots to share. Story after story of young-adult drama, excitement, confusion, and more. We were curious, guffawed, and leaned in with empathy. We were careful not to rend our clothes with panic, try to solve any of the problems, over effuse, or teach any lessons.

(aka we Spoke Emotional Brain with her)

Things got playful at the table and joke was piling on top of joke. Dessert and coffee came, huge smiles and delirious affection.

(aka we all Spoke Executive Brain together)

Afterwords some impatience kicked in. A red light was almost run. I shouted. Full disconnection ensued…

When we got home, we opened up the house windows and let in a breeze. We stripped down to bare-minimum, comfy lounge clothes. We drank water. We let time pass.

(aka we Spoke Survival Brain together)

Then we got some news about a beloved family member. We felt worry. We shared our frets.

(aka we Spoke Emotional Brain)

Right after that, we eased into planning next weekend and the teen’s interest in a concert. We troubleshooted logistics.

(aka we Spoke Executive Brain)

A little later, we got sleepy. We brushed our teeth. We stood in the night garden while the dog peed. And said I love you lots of times.

And then we slept.

A perfect afternoon. Not because things went perfectly. They didn’t. There were emotions, reactions, and important things to navigate.

But when you know how to Speak Brain, you know what to do in each stage of the game.

We never pretend to be perfect (always zen, always calm, always smart, always whatever) because we don’t have to. That’s not even our goal for ourselves. And it’s not what we promise our students.

What we do promise is that life will be wonderful and life will be shitty. And you’ll know what to do in the shitty times to get to more of the wonderful times.

We invite you to enroll in Emotional Sovereignty School. Come on this 12-week odyssey with us, and you can learn to Speak Brain, too!

Love,

Natalie and Nathan

Newsletter: What's YOUR Relaxed Life Look Like?

We hope this finds you in a moment of peace.

Natalie here, with story time once again... :)

When I was a kid I spent every Friday night at my grandma's house. It was about as cozy and wholesome as a kid could wish for. Heaven for me.

But, occasionally, I got invited to a friend's house for a sleepover.

Some kids dreamed about big, fun things, like sleeping outside in a tent, or going to the drive-in, maybe a movie marathon.

Me? My dream was simple.

I hoped to:

– not be too homesick

– not stay up too late (too scary)

– not spend too much time with my friend's dad (because he seemed scary, too)

Little Natalie - hoping for "not-too-scary"

Nathan's sleepover dream was simple too.

Nathan hoped to:

– avoid the parents unless they weren't too scary

– avoid having to eat foods N didn't like

– be able to sleep through the night

Little Nathan "hoping for not-too-scary" too

If we could go back, we would have helped our safety-craving selves to dream bigger.

It's pretty hard to dream, when you're busy worrying, isn't it?

Uncomfortable feelings, like anxiety, worry, panic, insecurity, shyness, despair, hopelessness, frustration, grief, and powerlessness, take up all of our time, energy, and focus. It's difficult to even function when feelings like this are filling our body with adrenaline and cortisol and sending us into Survival Mode al the time.

When kids are lucky enough to not feel tons of anxiety at a slumber party, they can dream big and play big.

Mega-forts!

Slip-n-slide obstacle courses!

Talent shows!

If you too dreamed of just feeling not-anxious, not-scared, not-powerless – what would your dream be if you could get beyond that?

Maybe the next level is to go camping with confidence. Or to get the lead role in a play. Or charge top-dollar for your services. Isn’t it interesting how the more you want — even if you don’t tell anyone else — the more uncomfortable it can start to feel?

For example, right now we are planning an extravagant 20-year anniversary party. We've rented out an entire lakeside lodge. We're going to spend a bunch of money. We will be the center of attention for three days straight.

If 7-year-old Natalie and Nathan saw this, they would run under a bed to hide! But if you know what you want, and you can gracefully handle the feelings around it – we say go ahead and dream/live extravagantly.

We now have successful, relaxed nervous systems that allow us massive benefits in life. For one, we can attend the biggest sleepover of our lives (our party!) and we're not full of worry about whether or not we'll be able to sleep.

Not many people talk about this because mental health is generally taboo. Which is why we've made this our focus for the last almost 17 years of supporting people in 1:1 work, classes, trainings, and luxury retreats.

Whether it’s successfully going on a week-long vacation with your co-parent, prioritizing your needs and taking a bath instead of making dinner, or just taking a connective, bonding walk with your lover – our mission is to show people that you can have that.

You can have the life you want without all the discomfort you don't want.

So, let us ask you this question:

“If you were suddenly at ease in your nervous system, what would you do? What would YOUR dream life look like?”

We call this the magic wand scenario. Wave your magic wand!

Imagine what you would do if your stress and anxiety didn't get in the way. What would it look like for you?

Feel better in your body?

Make more money?

Sing a solo?

Be who you really are?

Give it a moment. Maybe put your hand on your heart as you ponder, this will allow your nervous system to relax long enough to even think of what you might want.

And then instead of saying, “Well, it's too late for me. I'm just weird/broken/sensitive.”

Ask yourself THIS question:

"What would it take to make that happen?"

For us, the answer was to learn how emotion works in the brain, to gather tools and information, and have the support necessary to put it all into practice.

We wanted to grow. We wanted to be able to enjoy friends and family, think clearly, act courageously, make more money, have a greater impact, and be at ease in our bodies and hearts too.

We now carry "Emotional Sovereignty" passports that mean we can go anywhere. Whether it's to the car dealership to negotiate a better deal, to the coffee shop to meet a new and interesting friend, or to the US Virgin Islands to host our next retreat for our beloved community.

We can now go anywhere and do anything.

FeatherLeaf Inn - the location of this year's Real-Life Magic Retreat

We never would have imagined this when we were young. What a tragedy it would have been if our dreams had stayed the same as our 7-year-old selves!

That small dream of being able to feel less scared? We wish we could go back in time and take our little selves into our arms and laps, and give them all the tools and support we now have, so that they could “DREAM BIGGER!!”

Us reassuring our younger selves that dreaming big is safe for us...

One of our clients had the dream of building a nervous system that allowed her to process her feelings around scarcity, and thus empower her to say No to measly, pesky contracts. She wanted to make room for her dreams of meaningful, BIG contracts. Just two years later she now regularly lands multi-million dollar contracts and doesn't even look at the smaller, less interesting stuff.

What seems unreachable now can seem ordinary later – if you have the tools and use them.

What was your dream when you were a kid?

What’s your dream now?

DREAM BIG. What's the BIGGEST version of yourself that you can imagine.

Comment below and let us know!

Love,

Natalie and Nathan

You May be New to the Center for Emotional Education

Here's what you can do next:

Learn more about our upcoming program, Emotional Sovereignty School

Or… book yourself a Complimentary “Feel Better Already” Strategy Session

Do You Work Hard And Still Can't Relax?

Dear friend,

We hope your Summer is moving so sweetly!

We’re reaching out today because we wanted to introduce you to someone.

This is Carissa…

We created and drew the Carissa character because she's like so many of the rest of us.

Brilliant

Pretty successful

Pretty well-loved

Pretty well-partnered

Busy

A learner

Capable

A hard worker

Eager for everything

Earnest

Vulnerable

Sound familiar?

And just like so many of us, Carissa has trouble fully enjoying her life.

Even after all the:

Exercise

Organization

Inner work

Valiant efforts

Therapy

Mindfulness practices

Ceremonies

Alternative medicine

Journaling

Breath work

Dancing, and

Meditation

She is still:

Hyper vigilant

Over-thinking

Worried

Confused as to why all her hard work isn’t working

Not able to fully relax

Challenged by being present

Rarely her true self

Always anticipating the next emergency

Sound familiar?

Life is not meant to be like that!

Life is meant for enjoyment, pleasure, ease, fun, and connection!

After following along with our newsletters, and social media posts, Carissa had this uncomfortable realization: “

I’ve been living in Survival Mode my whole life!”

She was tempted to procrastinate another day, to slip back into the wishful thinking that her anxiety and hyper-vigilance would just go away on her own.

But instead she took action and invested in herself.

Carissa gifted herself Emotional Sovereignty School!

Survival Mode isn't good enough.

Carissa wants to enjoy her life, not just survive her life.

And now she gets to have that.

She’s making a strategic investment in herself and willing to show up for herself for 12 solid weeks in order to:

• Have less work and more ease.

• Re-wire her nervous system once and for all.

• Be part of a community that is helping each other unlearn old patterns and heal their lineages.

Carissa knows she can cry and laugh with us.

She trusts that she is not broken or too weird, she just has had some key traumatic experiences, and just needs a little help.

Can you relate to Carissa?

Are you ready for your life to be much better, with less effort and more efficacy?

You came to the right place.

We have a spot for you in Emotional Sovereignty School, and in our hearts.

We’re ready for you.

Love,

Natalie and Nathan

PS. Carissa's super cute partner Barry is coming to class as well, because partners enroll for FREE!

School Starts Aug 8th

Shelter-in-Place is not something any of us have ever had to do. If you're like us you probably have swung through a number of reactions -- ranging from a sense of delightful novelty to a sense of deep despair.

What we're hearing specifically for many people is: "I'm an EXTROVERT! This is really hard for me. I yearn to be around more people! I'm really struggling!"

And conversely, we're also hearing: "I'm an INTROVERT! I like to have time by myself in the house! With everyone home all the time I don't feel like I can recharge!"

Can you relate to either of these positions?

We're here to help. Check out this video for some support, and please reach out if you need or want some personal support as well.

Love,

Natalie and Nathan

Here's your outline for the video! 

Shelter-in-Place Struggles for Introverts and Extroverts -- How To Help Yourself

1. Extroverts are struggling because they have a need for being around people!

2. Introverts are struggling because they have a need for alone time! 

3. What to do when circumstances don’t meet our needs 

4. Level 10 Upset 

   1. Survival Brain reactions

   2. One Survival Brain strategy -- Bodylove: Food/Water, Rest/Digest Position

5. Level 5 Upset 

   1. Emotional Brain responses

   2. One Emotional Brain strategy -- Notice, Name, Touch

6. Not Currently Upset? 

   1. Executive Brain capabilities

   2. Executive Brain strategy -- Brainstorm! 

      1. Organize distanced neighborhood zumba for extroverts, eg 

      2. Set up a house schedule so that you have a whole room to yourself for at least an hour every day

7. Get Further Support -- You can’t white-knuckle this 

There is NO Misbehavior

A New Way of Seeing our Children’s Emotionally-Triggered Actions

Mis + Behavior

Here’s something with which all parents everywhere have to deal. Just for signing up as a parent, we’ll have to face this little concept. We’ll be asked to pick sides, to align ourselves with certain strategies, and to commit ourselves fully to waging all-out war. We’ll be told we have no choice.  That anything else would be, well – permissiveness.

But we’ve made a huge imaginary Mis + Take…

The word “misbehavior” means: “an improper, inappropriate, or bad manner of acting”, and of course this means in terms of social norms, family rules, etc.. In use, though, it’s commonly applied to any action that we grown-ups don’t like, and never fails to imply some nefarious intent on the part of the “misbehaver”. The truth is, however, that children (especially young ones) who are experiencing powerful emotions aren’t choosing actions -- they’re compelled by their feelings to act in ways that they can’t regulate. They aren’t misbehaving. They’re doing exactly as their biology intends. And whether we like it or not, it couldn’t be more appropriate for where they are developmentally and what they are experiencing physio-emotionally.
 

The Safety System or Ain’t Misbehavin’

When children experience intense emotion, they lose contact with the executive part of the brain. That means, just like someone with Alzheimer’s can’t access the brain machinery for memories, so too, an upset child can’t access the brain machinery for thinking clearly, or acting carefully. When emotion strikes, that emotion has to be dealt with first in order for the executive brain, which controls thinking and motor impulses (among a host of other higher functions), to come back online. This happens in one or more of three ways:

1.     Like every healthy mammal, the child calls out for help and receives the empathetic support that she needs in order to let out the emotion, and/or get other needs met, and then returns to a calm state and higher-brain function.

2.     The child’s nervous system obliges her body to some action to discharge the intensity of the uncomfortable feeling. Her brain is on it’s way to reverting to a survival state, and punching her sister is a tiny release, a minor, incremental improvement over the jealousy and powerlessness, etc., she was feeling just before.

3.     The child stuffs the feeling and tries to move on, though encumbered more and more by accumulating, painful feelings; until 1. and/or 2. above happens.
 

What we’ve been trained to call “misbehavior” is actually a neural survival mechanism…

When our kids cry for help, it’s easier to see, but we’d do well to become skilled at recognizing the call for assistance in their disagreeable actions as well. Their brains are driving them to do something to which we’ll attend, so that they can get the emotional support they need in order to return to higher functionality. And what’s more -- they can’t stop it without our help because their impulse control is in the executive brain where they’ve lost access. It’s honestly unrealistic for us to expect that they’d be able to act in any other way! They’re doing exactly as is normal and best for the human brain. Period. And if we want to help them “act right” and “make good choices” then we have to help them get “back in their right minds”.

When children are behaving in ways that don’t fit in with the herd, it’s actually a very fortunate signal that there’s something wrong with how they feel. And if there’s something wrong with how they feel, it’s usually a sign that they have a need that is going unmet. So the next time your kid “acts up” you can thank him for being so clear with you!

                                                                     Emotional Anatomy Chart from Feeleez

Working in Reverse

Fortunately, this system is a two-way street. We can have a massive effect on how our kids act simply by how we attend to their feelings and their needs.

When a child is engaged in an activity that we would normally call misbehavior, we have an enormous opportunity before us…

 Instead of just punishing or guilt-tripping our way into smoldering, temporary compliance, we can turn this rift in the family joy into a boon for the relationship and invite our children to a whole range of other more agreeable types of actions, just by being with them in empathy. Here’s a few ideas to start:

1.     Respond to the signal for help – recognizing that our children are being forced to “act up” and can’t “put on the breaks”; and recognizing their suffering and need for assistance.

2.     Get curious – instead of trying to hammer in a lesson on etiquette (for which the higher brain is necessary to hear and remember), we can look under the surface of the behavior for the uncomfortable feeling(s) driving it; and find out if there is an(other) unmet need associated with it. Ask, “What’s going on for you, love? Are you upset?” and wait and listen. Remember that when we parents feel disrespected (or saddened, or enraged) by the behavior, that’s a good indication of what feeling it is discharging for the child, too.

3.     Assist children with the feelings involved and struggling to get out – they need our help to let out those big emotions and calm down and “think straight” again. The shortest distance between our children’s disagreeable actions and ones we’d rather see is through the co-managed off-loading of their painful feelings. Be with them in empathy in whatever manner(s) they like best for solely the feelings piece. And wait.

4.     Then if there is an(other) unmet need fueling the uncomfortable emotion, we can help meet that as well. Look for a need to meet in every action that annoys, and find a more agreeable way to meet it. We can almost always find ways to meet our children’s needs in a manner that works for us as well, but if for some reason we can’t, then it’s a clear indicator that our work right then lies in assisting with the feelings associated with that disappointment instead – remaining firm while focusing on being kind.

This process restores family peace, reaffirms the parent-child bond, and makes way for more ideal actions and better, higher-brain choices to follow. Every time.

Now, don’t get hung up on whether or not to “give in” to your child’s ill-conceived or worse controlled plans to have his or her needs met…

Assisting with feelings and meeting needs is separate from condoning actions. We can do all of the above, and then when they can hear us, still talk about what we’d prefer they do in the future. And because of how we’ve handled them, we’ve made it easier and more attractive for them to handle us with empathy, too. And when it comes right down to it, that’s all we hope to teach them about how to “behave” anyway! Once we translate “misbehavior” as “having feelings and trying to get needs met” then we can see, we don’t have to wage war on what they do, we just have to meet them where they are.
 

*

Be well.

Overload

Feel overwhelmed by parenting tips, advice, and admonitions???

Sometimes all the information out there about "doing it right" can be too much to absorb, let alone implement. Here's a shortcut:

When in doubt, choose the RELATIONSHIP. Any choice that brings you and your child more connection is the right one.

When all is said and done the strength of your relationship is what carries you through any rough patches. Let your connection be your main motivation and everything gets better and better.

Image credit: Feeleez Matching Game

The Praise Quandary

When your child is behaving in a pleasing way do you feel like praising the heavens? Do you feel like praising him?

Although this is a very natural response it's one we need to think about carefully. Reward, including verbal praise, is an EXTRINSIC motivator. And it turns out that this type of motivation eventually backfires.

In other words, praising your child for waiting patiently just might discourage your child from waiting patiently next time! Oh no!

Would you like your child to keep up that particular pleasing behavior? 

Instead of praising him, which erodes cooperation over time, share with him your appreciation and how his actions are beneficial to others.

"You are sitting so patiently and so quietly. Thank you so much. I really appreciate it. When you wait like that I can really concentrate and get this job done quickly."

Helping others feels good and that feeling provides the INTRINSIC MOTIVATION to repeat the helpful action.

CAUTION: Kids have "falseness radar"! Be as genuine as you can in your appreciation. Be specific as to why and how their help is beneficial.

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Not the Teen Years Already!!

Are you already seeing TEEN-like behavior in your child? Does that have you worrying about the coming years?

The teen years can feel daunting. Want to set yourself up for success? Start now! A successful teen-parent relationship hinges entirely on connection. Build it up now by:

-playing and laughing
-providing touch by wrestling and hugging
-showing curiosity with non-judgmental questions
-modeling respect with your words and actions
-empathizing with all feelings (good and bad)
-spending non-stressful time together
-being totally and utterly trustworthy

Bonus: Everyone starts feeling good now! Preparation for the teen years is a win for your present AND future family life.

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Empathy Does Not Equal Agreement!

Is your child ever upset about something that makes NO SENSE???

It's incredibly hard to have empathy for a child when we COMPLETELY DISAGREE with what they are saying.

The good news? Empathy does NOT = agreement! Empathy means to feel the feelings of another, not to justify or corroborate.

Example: Child: "Why did they have to say that, like I'm the stupidest person in the world?! They're stupid, not me."

Parent: "You didn't like how your friends said that. Darn. Are you mad about it or sad?"

We can recognize the feelings without agreeing with the description.

Phew!

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Get Me Dad!

What's up with WRESTLING? Why are kids crazy about it? Why do they want to do it even if a wrestle session often ends in tears???

Here's why: the very best way for kids to release emotions that have built up over the course of the day is to LAUGH or CRY. A wrestle session with a tuned-in, enthusiastic parent often provides BOTH.

So next time your kid is getting rowdy right before bed, challenge them to a match! They'll LAUGH their heads off, and when they inevitably go too far and end up in tears they can CRY in your arms. With a heart cleared of all those tough emotions sleep will come easily.

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Ugh

Does anything feel worse than the droopy, sad, and scared look your child takes on after you YELL at them?

It's so awful.

All parents, at some point or another, yell. It isn't our top choice. It isn't how we'd like to handle any situation, no matter how tough. It doesn't even work to change behavior, it only works to damage our relationship frown emoticon

But it still happens.

What to do?

1. Clear out any stored emotions by recognizing them and naming them- Making yourself less likely to BLOW.

2. When you do yell, admit your wrongdoing without excuses. "Honey, I'm so sorry I yelled at you. That is not how I want to communicate. I'm sorry it was scary. I made a mistake."

3. Repair the relationship by re-establishing connection: Eye contact, touch, and empathy.

4. Forgive yourself.

xo

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Don't Leave!

Does your child sob when you leave them? Do you reassure them that you'll "be right back"? Are they still upset?

As it turns out rational thinking is a higher brain function and when kids are heart-broken at your departure this function is unavailable to them. 

Empathy is your friend in this instance and every other instance of upset! "You're sad I'm leaving huh? Darn. That doesn't feel good." Some time and a good snuggle will send the empathy home. 

You'll still walk out the door and you'll leave a much better-feeling child behind. 

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Grateful

Gratitude. Ooh baby, this is probably the feeling we want our children to express more than any other.

Have you heard of extrinsic and intrinsic motivation? When we prompt our kids to say thank you we are using extrinsic motivation. They say thank you because they are trying to please us, or stay out of trouble. When they come to gratitude on their own and say thank you without prompting, they are using intrinsic motivation. They are saying it because they feel it and because saying so feels good to them.

Science tells us that for long term behavior repetition, intrinsic beats extrinsic HANDS DOWN. In fact, the use of extrinsic motivation actually makes it less likely that a child will repeat the behavior over time!

So what to do?

1. Model gratitude. Say thank you every chance you get. 
2. Stop forcing and prompting thank yous. 
3. Stop praising the use of thank yous. (Rewards are extrinsic motivators!)
4. Trust. Your child is actually grateful and if given a chance will demonstrate that in their own way, on their own schedule.

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Fine

Is this what your child looks like when you ask him how he's feeling? Do you always get the same answer, a rote "Fine", even when you can tell there is something more going on?

Here are two crucial elements for growing your child's emotional intelligence:

1. Safety. If your child doesn't feel safe from judgement he won't open up. Be sure to be neutral about ALL FEELINGS- the good, the bad, the ugly.

2. Modeling. Talk about your own feelings throughout the day! How do you feel about the traffic? The spring buds? The cat barf? Make "emotional talk" the norm.

Do these two things and watch your boy, or girl, unfold. Find out what is inside that beautiful little heart.

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My Belly Hurts

Does your child complain of a bellyache even when it doesn't seem to be true, like they are just making it up?

They probably are. Not because they are "lying" but because parents often respond with care and connection when their child is physically suffering. It just may be the case that your child is feeling NERVOUS or SCARED or GUILTY or WORRIED or SAD and a bellyache is the surest way to get the love they need so much.

Short story? Let the reason for their discomfort be "true", see it for what it really is: a cry for connection. Be thankful they've found an avenue to relief. Eventually, as they trust you to hold all of their feelings sacred, not just the physical ones, they won't need to find an excuse to get connection.

Happy ending.

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What Inspires This?

Do you ever feel like this?

When?