Survival Mode has been in the news and socials more and more over the last few years. At the Center for Emotional Education, we’ve been studying Survival Mode for over 2 decades and teaching about it for almost that long.
Many folks have heard about Fight or Flight, and about half as many have heard of Freeze, and only about half as many of those have heard of Appease. Other than the sweet mnemonic rhyme, why do we pick Appease over the alliterative suit-follower Fawn? Mostly because we know that the domain of Fawn rests neatly within the sphere of Appease.
As a category, Appease is broader because it includes fawning, people-pleasing, flirting, bargaining, tending-and-befriending, self-deprecation, martyrdom, and (the often hailed “5th F”) f#cking when we don’t really want to, among a host of other subtle forms of trying to keep a perceived predator satisfied so they don’t threaten you…
At the Center for Emotional Education, we’re now also delineating between “Hyper-Arousal” and “Hypo-Arousal” Appease. Because we’ve noticed distinct-enough-to-be-useful characteristics between those of us who frantically move about seeking ways to be more pleasing, and those of us who passively allow ourselves to be misused for someone else’s pleasure.
Why are we making a newsletter about this? Only because we want you to have more power over yourself and your experience.
When we recognize that not just our fawning reactions but also our knee jerk reactions to throw our self under the bus, or volunteer when we’re threadbare, or to go into service-oriented work to a burnout level is (also) part of Survival Appease – then suddenly we have more agency to alter the course and caliber of our life.
So even if we’re not in Fight, or Flight, or Freeze – even when we’re just running around “merrily” taking care of the whole world in Appease Mode – we can still be in Survival. And when we’re in a Survival Brain state, we aren’t getting to truly live or thrive. And until we come out of Survival, all we can do is scrape by.
If you’re finding that you have some runaway people-pleasing, self-flagellating to self-martyring, everybody-else-first-until-I’m-basically-dying tendencies – you might be scraping by in Appease Mode. And the only way out is to reassure your nervous system that you’re safe, even if you aren’t always pleasing.
Now, no affirmation on Earth is going to penetrate your Survival Brain System – so please don’t annoy yourself with another “I’m safe” mantra for this one. Instead, think regulation, think orientation, think physical and psychological grounding. Get into breath, get into natural neurochemical maintenance, get into Survival Support Strategies (as we call them) so you can get out of Appease Mode.
Then you can finally see what you really want. Then you can finally know who you really are. Then you can finally do all that you’re here to do, instead of just scraping by.
We’re cheering you on! We’ve been there ourselves. We know you can experience a different kind of living once you get your life out of Survival Mode.
Big love to you. Keep going!
Love,
Natalie and Nathan