Felicitations and well wishes!
With Emotional Sovereignty School coming up next week, we've been talking about it quite a bit. And we were thinking, you might like to know some signs/benefits of emotional aptitude. What does it look like when we start to get good at feelings?
So here's a working list:
Quicker recovery from mishaps.
The cat pees on the rug. The dog rolls in a dead animal. These things suck! There are logistical factors to tend to in these situations, and lots of feelings. And those that are emotionally adept deal with the matter at hand, feel the feelings, and (because they have the tools) move on in a quick-ish amount of time. Things like this don't ruin their day.
"The straw that didn't break the camel's back."
Emotional Capacity is the space and ability to be with emotion – even tough emotion, and even repeat bouts of emotion. Those with emotional aptitude have the ability to experience multiple upsets in any period of time and not self-destruct.
Ownership.
One partner says something, the other misunderstands and gets their hackles up, and before we know it a little disconnection turns into an actual fight. These things happen in relationship. It's a bummer. And, a person with emotional aptitude will have the ability to acknowledge the role they played in the interaction and take responsibility for their part, without throwing themselves under the bus.
Vulnerable words and actions.
If emotionally adept folks are feeling nervous about whether or not you're going to like their birthday present, they say so. When the sad part of the movie comes along, they cry. Those with emotional aptitude can feel and express their feelings across a wide spectrum of situations, without it having to be something they apologize for ("So sorry I'm getting so emotional!") and without it becoming a part of their identity ("Don't mind me, I"m just a big crybaby.").
Knowing one's needs and teaming up with others to meet needs.
Those with emotional aptitude know when they need space, or attention, or touch, or any other important human need. And instead of forcing their agenda, isolating themselves, or blaming others, as a way to get their needs met, they lean in, communicate, and get curious, so that everyone has a chance to be heard and get their needs met within the relationship.
Longterm relationships – of all sorts.
Being in relationship over time inherently means encountering conflict. Those with emotional aptitude are able to maintain relationships with neighbors, colleagues, fellow students, partners, children, and family members over long periods of time because they have the ability to stay in connection amidst conflict. They don't self-sacrifice until their resentment reaches the point to where they have to leave, they don't grossly offend or break trust, they don't ghost, and they don't burn bridges.
Easy friend-making.
To make new friends one must have the ability to enter new situations and interact successfully. Emotionally adept people use their tools to process feelings before entering social situations, stay grounded within the situation, and remain in close connection with their true self throughout. The use of their neuroemotional toolkit means that when the encounter with a new person begins, they eagerly engage the opportunity to connect, they express themselves honestly and authentically, they have a good time, and they remain invested and interested in future contact and interactions.
Financial success.
The usual saying is: "It's not what you know, it's who you know." Sure, but really it's not who you know, it's who you connect with. It wouldn't do you any good to know 50,000 people if each one of them thought you were a jerk. Emotionally adept people are financially successful because they are good at connection. Maybe their car gets a a big dent, but they are in frequent connective contact with others, and those people know people, so pretty quickly a friend-of-a-friend swings by to pop the dent out free of charge – saving $2,000. Or... maybe their company is getting folded into another, but it turns out the head of HR is an old friend from when the kids were in kindercare, and she puts in a good word, and now there's a massive salary upgrade and the corner office.
In fact, any of the bullet points highlighted above lead to greater health, wealth, and relationships – more success in all forms, in all areas of life.
Can you think of any other signs of emotional aptitude? Respond to this message and we'll add them to our list!
Here's some we don't agree with:
When we ask this question, we get a lot of off-base answers like this:
"Always happy, never upset."
"They never yell."
"Nothing bothers them."
Nope. Not it...
These are more likely examples of people being really "good" at Survival Freeze (Placid lake on the outside, hurricane on the inside!) and Survival Appease (Smiling on the outside, suffering on the inside!). We should know because these were our go-to Survival Modes and we got so much praise for our (false) "zen attitude".
We don't want to laud or celebrate living in Survival Mode! That just perpetuates the myth that to be seen as successful and healthy all feelings should be repressed and/or hidden.
Having feelings and expressing feelings is normal, healthy human behavior. Something we should be good at!
And feelings are not a problem if we know what to do with them.
Let's save ourselves a bunch of torture, and just normalize feelings, once and for all. Then let's get really good at having them.
One more sign of emotional aptitude?
Getting help. If you made a list of successful people you admire, more than likely, every single one you could name, got help. There are others who have walked the path before us that can offer guidance, toolkits, and road maps. Those with emotional aptitude avidly seek and receive this kind of help.
What about you? Do you have emotional aptitude?
Do you want more?
There are just three days left to sign up for Emotional Sovereignty School -- your optimal support, toolkit, and roadmap rolled into one.
Are you ready for:
Quicker recovery from mishaps?
Increased emotional capacity?
Graceful, confident ownership of your actions?
The ability to act and speak vulnerably?
Knowing your needs and how to team up to meet them?
Longterm relationships of all sorts?
Easy friend-making?
More connections, more money, more success?
And help?
We got you covered.
Don't let this be yet another year where you merely limp along and wish for things to be different.
You could click the button below and already be well on your way to everything outlined above, Or, you could navigate away and go back to smiling on the outside while the suffering swirls inside.
You get to choose. We hope you choose you – in whatever form that takes.
Love,
Natalie and Nathan