We hope you're doing alright.
It's been a difficult couple weeks with plenty to feel upset about, hasn't it?
And often when we go to talk with our loved ones, colleagues, neighbors, or family members, the conversations that are supposed to help us figure out a course of action, or be less alone with our thoughts, or just help us feel better – actually have us feeling worse!
Our fellow conversationalists make grossly oversimplified, or dramatically exaggerated claims. They toss out assertions that aren't correct or kind. They generalize so egregiously that we want to throw ourselves to the floor in a tantrum.
And then when it's our turn, if we get a turn, our fellow conversationalists react so extremely that we end up having to shout to be heard over their reaction. Or they argue with our experience. Or they offer solutions that definitely won't work.
Conversations like this can have us curling up in a ball, and self-exiling to sort through our thoughts and upsets alone.
Here at the Center for Emotional Education, we've been working with neurochemistry and emotion for nearly 17 years. We lead courses for individuals, trainings for groups, certification for practitioners, and offer 1:1 coaching for our clients all over the world — so that we all can move from emotional overwhelm, depression, and anxiety, to Emotional Sovereignty, and finally be able to fully connect with others.
At all times, but especially ones like these, we like to put our expertise to use and help as many people as possible. So today, we're reaching out to share our #1 top tip for heated conversations, so that no one has to sift through these upsets by themselves.
#1 Tip for Heated Conversations:
Don't argue with the story.
Humans process experiences and emotions by telling stories. The Emotional Brain System has a strong need to be seen, heard, and understood, and from time immemorial we've been trying to meet these needs through story.
Think back to our caveperson roots – remember how every emotional event was processed through tales told around the campfire?
Yep, we still do that.
Or in our dark ages before social media, even before newspapers, or news – remember, the local town-crier (an apt name...) would broadcast the most emotional and memorable stories of the day?
We're still doing that, too!
When our Emotional System predicts some feelings coming up (haven't we ALL been feeling massive amounts lately?), then we start telling a story that matches the emotion.
The Emotional System does not care about:
- accuracy
- data
- truth
- actual history
- other perspectives
The Emotional System almost always:
- exaggerates
- dramatizes
- generalizes
- centers self
It does so in an attempt to tell a story that matches with the flavor and intensity of the emotion we are experiencing, and to try to meet the critical emotional needs of being seen, heard, and understood. When this system gets those needs met, then, and only then, will a person begin to process from an Executive Brain State. And only from there can they take into account others perspectives, factor in actual history, cite facts, share complicated truths, and take a larger view of the issue.
Can you see why these heated conversations so often go awry?
When we try to have rational discussions while one or both parties is operating from the Emotional System we only make things worse - driving miscommunication, disconnection, and upset.
So... when our people start processing their upset by telling their version of what's happening, we:
- don't argue facts
- don't disagree with their timeline
- don't offer a different perspective
- don't ask them to be rational
- don't offer solutions
(Yet...!)
We let them exaggerate, dramatize, generalize, and center themselves.
But we don't stop there!
Next we see if we can find the emotions trying to be expressed through the story.
Can we help them name those feelings?
Can we find empathy for the feelings even and especially when we don't agree with the story?
Can we relate to those feelings and give them and ourselves connection around those feelings?
If so, we begin to experience the flow of oxytocin moving through our systems – the delicious neurochemical of connection, bonding, and safety – our bodies and our hearts soften, and the other person's processing, and ours, begins to shift to the Executive System.
From here we can have nuanced, intelligent, and cooperative conversations.
We invite you to first give this a try with some low stakes topics, like: "Hey family, should we have mac-n-cheese for dinner, or burritos?" and after enjoying multiple successes and more connection in those arenas, bring these skills to some higher-stakes arenas.
We're cheering for you!!
Much Love,
Natalie and Nathan
PS. Want more specific guidance for your specific heated conversations? Consider joining our monthly emotional intelligence consulting group: Dear EQ, What Do I Do?. Our next interactive session is October 25th at 9am Pacific.