We hope your day is cruising along smoothly, and that you're getting a chance to take a breather now and again.
Recently we've been noticing how something as simple as getting an answer to a question can act like a mini-breather. It's so supportive to get an answer to a question!
One of us (we won't say who...) recently texted our family group text to ask this:
Guys, what does the green swan emoji mean?
And our kids had mountains of fun – sending a million LMAOs and crying-laughing emojis. Because, as it turns out, there isn't a green swan emoji, there is a SNAKE emoji. And explaining, to a very-clueless parent, what it means and when to use it, was also extremely hilarious.
But the point is, one of us (we won't say who) had a question that was bothering them, and got an extremely useful answer!
So in that spirit, here are some top questions we receive, and our answers:
1. I’m doing Survival Support Strategies but I’m still crying and having a hard time. Am I doing it wrong?
When we use any Survival Support Strategy, like a Regulating Breath (quickish full inhales, and long, slow exhales), it often acts as a portal to feelings! We shift out of Survival Mode and into Emotional Mode. Sometimes, that shift is into feelings of relief, or gratitude, or peace; and other times the shift is into worry, remorse, or yearning, and the like...
It makes a lot of sense that through regulating we may end up with more feelings. Because we aren’t necessarily regulating to squash feelings or make them go away. We're using Survival Support Strategies to prove to the nervous system that we're safe. It's totally natural and part of the overall integration of our experiences to then go into expressing feelings, now that we are safe.
(Caveat: Sometimes all we have time for is regulation, but it’s important to circle back to feelings when we can.)
2. When my partner is having a big emotional discharge do I just keep calm?
Short answer, yes, stay in regulation. (That way you don't mistakenly signal threat to your partner's nervous system...)
And, if you can, reach for empathy and curiosity as well.
Empathy: "Oh shoot, that sounds hard." or "I get that." or "I totally hear you."
Curiosity: "Want to say more?" or "What's that part like?" or "What else?"
Then, repeat.
There's obviously a lot more we could say about this part, but that's a key place to start...
3. I try empathizing with my child but they just fight back and run away. Why is it not working?
Likely your child was experiencing more Survival reactivity, than Emotional activity. (Even though it may have seemed like a pretty emotional display.) Empathy is a great tool for co-processing feelings, but not generally welcome to someone experiencing Survival reactivity. We call this ""not talking to the part of the brain that's driving".
This happens! (Even those of us who've been studying brain states for years, still misread certain people's signals or in certain moments... And when we people don't even know about it, it's just happening all over the place without being noticed for what it is.)
When it does happen, and we get an adverse reaction, we can just consider this as information, and switch gears by speaking to the part of the brain that is currently driving. In this case, you'd want to switch to using Survival Support Strategies for yourself, and this will impact the neurochemistry of your nearby child over a little bit of time.
4. What about empaths? We feel other people's stuff!
Yes, absolutely. Emotional Coherence is what we call it. It's real and it can be uncomfortable. We see it this way: Whether or not the feeling was originally ours, it’s in our body now. So it’s our responsibility to tend to it in our own body/nervous system. Luckily, this work is designed so that no matter where the emotion comes from, we can begin to have the capacity for it in our system.
5. What does it look and feel like to be Emotionally Sovereign?
We like to think of it as an ongoing journey of becoming Emotionally Sovereign rather than a place one arrives. So while there is no perfect endgame, many of us do get to enjoy more time IN Emotional Sovereignty than we used to.
We define it as: Knowing what to do when emotion arises so we don’t get sent into Survival Mode. We are sovereign in our ability to take care of our emotional selves. This can include knowing how to ask for support as well as knowing how to support ourselves. With the simple power of being able to work with our brain states – we're afforded the awesome superpower of being able to go anywhere, and do anything, and trust our self to get through it.
That's Emotional Sovereignty.
We hope these Qs and As help you out!
If you have questions that you'd like answered, or, you want the satisfaction of hearing other people get their questions answered, join us in our next meet up of Dear EQ, What Do I Do?. March 28 at 11am Pacific.
Much love,
Natalie and Nathan