How's it going in your neck of the woods?
(BTW, what the heck is a "neck" in the context of "the woods"?)
We just got this question in our in-box and thought it would be fun and informative to share our answer with you...
Dear EQ,
I’m dating, and finding that I’m having a lot of great conversations with a lot of different people. But, I wait until my dates say or do something I don’t like, and that tells me where to look for the cracks as I develop my list of things that aren’t going to work for me. No wonder it stops being fun after two or three dates.
I’d like to learn to be more constructive from the start, and to really know what I’m looking for instead of just waiting for that point at which a person starts to get on my nerves.
What does neuroemotionally informed dating look like?
Signed,
Out There Again and Wanting to Get it Right
What a fantastic question!
We're answering this question in depth in this week's meetup of Dear EQ, What Do I Do?, (which we are now offering for only $13 per month!), but we thought we'd share the first part of our answer here for all to enjoy!
Answer Part 1: Brain States may be at play!
Let's face it, for many of us, going on a date to meet someone new can be a bit stressful. Stress, especially social stress, when we don't know how to deal with it or don't remember that we can support ourselves around it, can send us straight into Survival Mode.
If we could peer inside the brain in a moment like this...
We'd see two worm-like things with an almond shape at the end. These "almonds" are our amygdalae. One of their jobs is be on the lookout for danger, and when they sense it, neurotransmitters cue our kidneys to secrete cortisol and adrenaline. As soon as these chemicals enter our bloodstream, our heart rate speeds up, our blood starts to get diverted in case we need to run or fight, and our whole system is now prepared to identify threat and defend against it.
For those of us who didn't get enough support around social interactions in our past, this chain reaction can happen on a date!
Although our intention is to meet someone new and have a good time, if our nervous system is on an entirely different neurochemical page where each potential flaw in our date is read as potential danger, then any further flaws are read as confirmation of danger! Before we know it, on auto-pilot, we've ruled this person out completely. Later, when we make the Executive decision to no longer see them, we're just rationalizing what our Survival System already decided.
In moments like these, our amygdalae are inadvertently protecting us from the "danger" of being vulnerable and intimate, even if we actually want to be vulnerable and intimate!
If we suspect that our Survival System is doing our dating for us, we can interrupt this habit with simple nervous system regulation techniques, like a Regulating Breath. (This is when we do a quickish, full inhale, and then a long, slow, complete exhale.)
If we can keep up this breath for several rounds and then return to it periodically during our date, we may find that we either find fewer faults in our partner, and/or we are able to relax, enjoy the parts we like, and trust ourselves that, down the road, if there truly isn't compatibility, we'll take good care of ourselves.
We hope this gets you started on your Emotionally Sovereign dating journey!
If you're interested in hearing Part 2 of our answer, join us for this week's Dear EQ, What Do I Do?!
Much love,
Natalie and Nathan
Try out Dear EQ, What Do I Do?
(Now at the new, amazing rate of just $13 US!)