How are things going in your world? (We're not asking as a rhetorical device, feel free to let us know! And also...)
Want to hear a billion dollar product idea?
A divorced co-parents app that automates some kind of punishment when the other parent fails to follow through on an agreement they made. They suddenly change the holiday schedule with no warning? An automatic, meaningful deduction is extracted from their bank account.
The market for this product is all the parents that have tried to construct logical, compassionate, legal parenting plans, and still their ex-spouse fails to follow the agreements, and routinely ignores structures and boundaries. Billion dollar idea, right?!
(Let us know when you've got that app built and we'll help spread the word! ;) )
In a recent coaching session, a parent in this exact situation was exasperated by the fact that even when she has very clear boundaries with her co-parent, he conveniently forgets them, or simply steps right over them.
Have you ever experienced this with boundaries?
It can seem so fraught...
Perhaps we communicate a boundary around late-night messaging or calling. Then sure enough, sometimes even the very next day, the person rings us up at 11:30pm. It can bring up irritation and anger and resentment!
Or, maybe we're very clear about how we want to be spoken to. Our wishes are respected for a couple conversations, but then lo and behold, the next time things get heated, here come the inappropriate words and harsh tone. So much frustration and indignation and humiliation can come up!
Our culture encourages us, admonishes us, to set boundaries for how we want to be treated, but then "real-life" comes sauntering along and trounces our attempts.
Want to know why our boundaries may be ignored?
Boundaries are structures that work when we set them for ourselves, not for other people.
When we set boundaries for other people, like:
You can't call after 9pm
You can't talk to me that way
You can't come into my house when you drop off our child
...we have no way of ensuring that they are considered and respected. We are dependent upon the other person to:
Remember our boundaries.
Care about our boundaries. And then
Put our boundaries before their own impulses.
(All of which is particularly tricky because generally we are only trying to enforce our boundaries with people who already do not care enough about our needs to make them a high priority in their life!)
When we flip these boundaries around, and set them for ourselves, like:
I turn off my phone after 9pm
I kindly but firmly pause conversations if the tone or words are outside my comfort and capacity
I do child transfers in public places
...then we are in charge of whether or not they are remembered and respected and no longer have to wait and hope that the other person does.
It's a mystery to us as to why this kind of boundary-making isn't the norm!
These kinds of boundaries have worked so well for us over the years that we built a whole masterclass about it, the Better at Boundaries Masterclass. This is a weekend workshop where you can build your own boundaries around issues and topics of your choice. (Click the button below for more info!)
Having a clear sense of what our boundaries are, and for ourselves, is such a beautiful form of self-love. We can head into any situation or any relationship with confidence because we already know how we will nurture and take excellent care of ourselves.
What kinds of boundaries have you been tinkering with? We'd love to hear about them and cheer you on!
Much love to you, friend,
Natalie and Nathan