We're sending you this letter today in the hopes that something is feeling good for you – even if, at the moment, it's just your powerful ability to be with yourself in what's not feeling good!
A really common thing that doesn't feel good is when we yell at someone we love.
Often we don't even see it coming. Before we know it, words we wouldn't ordinarily choose are flying out of our mouths at top-speed and top-volume. In the moment it feels absolutely unstoppable, and later it feels absolutely unacceptable.
Have you experienced this, too? So many of us have...
It used to happen for us, far more than we liked, but... we found a way to use our Emotional Sovereignty tools to break the habit of yelling at our kids, and at one another, and we want to share our Hot Tip with you!
Our hot tip for breaking the yelling habit?
Stop Yelling AT, and Start Yelling Feelings
You see, there is something very real happening behind the scenes when we yell at someone we love – we are reaching a neuroemotional tipping point!
When we yell we are either:
experiencing an acute, momentary overload of emotional discomfort
or
experiencing milder emotional discomfort that has been allowed to accumulate over time, and has now reached a critical mass
When this happens our Emotional System determines that conditions are no longer safe and our processing shifts to the Survival System. Whenever we process from here, the only possible reactions are:
Fight
Flight
Freeze
Appease
And you guessed it! When we have the sense that we're unable to stop ourselves from yelling at someone we love, we're likely operating from Survival Fight. In this state, we do not have access to enough restraint, logic, compassion, or any of the values that guide us to take more benevolent actions.
So what do we do?
We take that Survival Fight drive to yell at someone, and we replace it with the emotionally supportive (and Emotionally Sovereign) tactic of yelling feelings instead.
Instead of yelling at them:
WHY THE HECK DID YOU JUST DO THAT?!?!? ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?"
Try just yelling:
I FEEL A LOT OF FRUSTRATION AND CONFUSION RIGHT NOW!
(And then sigh...)
Instead of yelling at them:
GO TO YOUR ROOM! I CAN'T EVEN TALK TO YOU RIGHT NOW.
Try just yelling:
I FEEL SO MUCH ANGER RIGHT NOW! I'M HAVING A HARD TIME THINKING OF WHAT TO SAY.
(And then sigh...)
Naming feelings (even yelling feelings!) works to reduce emotional intensity and get the ball rolling on feeling better. Often it isn't yet neurochemically available to us to stop the yelling habit. The drive to yell is survival-based and urgent. But we can take that urge and yell something that:
causes less harm to our relationships (if any at all)
helps to reduce our emotional load and invite a neurochemical shift
builds Emotional Sovereignty
Over time, if we keep up this practice, our loved ones will come to appreciate this kind of yelling. Though our words may come at a high volume, they also come with less of a sense of attack (which usually invites a counterattack!) and tend to decrease the emotional pressure within the family system as a whole. When we yell like this, our loved ones start to understand that a beneficial turning point in the conflict has been reached.
If we really keep this up, the whole family will yell feelings instead of yelling at each other!
Soon, instead of:
MOM! WHY DID YOU GET RID OF THE THING I WAS USING!?
You may hear:
MOM! I FEEL PANIC! I CAN'T FIND MY THING!
See how much better that feels?
Just one little caveat when using this strategy...
In order to get the full neuroemotional benefit, and in order to actually reduce tension and conflict, t's crucial that we use nouns when we name our feelings instead of adjectives.
Instead of, I feel:
Frustrated
Irritated
Annoyed
Exasperated
Try, I feel:
Frustration
Irritation
Annoyance
Exasperation
In this context, nouns invite a shift in neurochemistry and empathy, whereas adjectives tend to invite defensiveness and disconnection.
Our full feelings list can be found here.
Try yelling feelings, and then give us a shout to let us know how it is for you!
Here's to wishing you better feeling yells, from our family to yours.
Much love,
Natalie and Nathan
ps. If you want more tips and tricks for handling conflict...
You may want to check out our upcoming Better at Boundaries Masterclass happening May 4th and 5th!