Not the Teen Years Already!!

Are you already seeing TEEN-like behavior in your child? Does that have you worrying about the coming years?

The teen years can feel daunting. Want to set yourself up for success? Start now! A successful teen-parent relationship hinges entirely on connection. Build it up now by:

-playing and laughing
-providing touch by wrestling and hugging
-showing curiosity with non-judgmental questions
-modeling respect with your words and actions
-empathizing with all feelings (good and bad)
-spending non-stressful time together
-being totally and utterly trustworthy

Bonus: Everyone starts feeling good now! Preparation for the teen years is a win for your present AND future family life.

Image credit: Feeleez ABCS

Empathy Does Not Equal Agreement!

Is your child ever upset about something that makes NO SENSE???

It's incredibly hard to have empathy for a child when we COMPLETELY DISAGREE with what they are saying.

The good news? Empathy does NOT = agreement! Empathy means to feel the feelings of another, not to justify or corroborate.

Example: Child: "Why did they have to say that, like I'm the stupidest person in the world?! They're stupid, not me."

Parent: "You didn't like how your friends said that. Darn. Are you mad about it or sad?"

We can recognize the feelings without agreeing with the description.

Phew!

Image credit: Feeleez ABCS

Get Me Dad!

What's up with WRESTLING? Why are kids crazy about it? Why do they want to do it even if a wrestle session often ends in tears???

Here's why: the very best way for kids to release emotions that have built up over the course of the day is to LAUGH or CRY. A wrestle session with a tuned-in, enthusiastic parent often provides BOTH.

So next time your kid is getting rowdy right before bed, challenge them to a match! They'll LAUGH their heads off, and when they inevitably go too far and end up in tears they can CRY in your arms. With a heart cleared of all those tough emotions sleep will come easily.

Image credit: Feeleez ABCs

Ugh

Does anything feel worse than the droopy, sad, and scared look your child takes on after you YELL at them?

It's so awful.

All parents, at some point or another, yell. It isn't our top choice. It isn't how we'd like to handle any situation, no matter how tough. It doesn't even work to change behavior, it only works to damage our relationship frown emoticon

But it still happens.

What to do?

1. Clear out any stored emotions by recognizing them and naming them- Making yourself less likely to BLOW.

2. When you do yell, admit your wrongdoing without excuses. "Honey, I'm so sorry I yelled at you. That is not how I want to communicate. I'm sorry it was scary. I made a mistake."

3. Repair the relationship by re-establishing connection: Eye contact, touch, and empathy.

4. Forgive yourself.

xo

Image credit: Feeleez ABCs

Don't Leave!

Does your child sob when you leave them? Do you reassure them that you'll "be right back"? Are they still upset?

As it turns out rational thinking is a higher brain function and when kids are heart-broken at your departure this function is unavailable to them. 

Empathy is your friend in this instance and every other instance of upset! "You're sad I'm leaving huh? Darn. That doesn't feel good." Some time and a good snuggle will send the empathy home. 

You'll still walk out the door and you'll leave a much better-feeling child behind. 

Image credit: Feeleez ABCs

Grateful

Gratitude. Ooh baby, this is probably the feeling we want our children to express more than any other.

Have you heard of extrinsic and intrinsic motivation? When we prompt our kids to say thank you we are using extrinsic motivation. They say thank you because they are trying to please us, or stay out of trouble. When they come to gratitude on their own and say thank you without prompting, they are using intrinsic motivation. They are saying it because they feel it and because saying so feels good to them.

Science tells us that for long term behavior repetition, intrinsic beats extrinsic HANDS DOWN. In fact, the use of extrinsic motivation actually makes it less likely that a child will repeat the behavior over time!

So what to do?

1. Model gratitude. Say thank you every chance you get. 
2. Stop forcing and prompting thank yous. 
3. Stop praising the use of thank yous. (Rewards are extrinsic motivators!)
4. Trust. Your child is actually grateful and if given a chance will demonstrate that in their own way, on their own schedule.

Image credit: Feeleez ABCs

Fine

Is this what your child looks like when you ask him how he's feeling? Do you always get the same answer, a rote "Fine", even when you can tell there is something more going on?

Here are two crucial elements for growing your child's emotional intelligence:

1. Safety. If your child doesn't feel safe from judgement he won't open up. Be sure to be neutral about ALL FEELINGS- the good, the bad, the ugly.

2. Modeling. Talk about your own feelings throughout the day! How do you feel about the traffic? The spring buds? The cat barf? Make "emotional talk" the norm.

Do these two things and watch your boy, or girl, unfold. Find out what is inside that beautiful little heart.

Image credit: Feeleez ABCs

My Belly Hurts

Does your child complain of a bellyache even when it doesn't seem to be true, like they are just making it up?

They probably are. Not because they are "lying" but because parents often respond with care and connection when their child is physically suffering. It just may be the case that your child is feeling NERVOUS or SCARED or GUILTY or WORRIED or SAD and a bellyache is the surest way to get the love they need so much.

Short story? Let the reason for their discomfort be "true", see it for what it really is: a cry for connection. Be thankful they've found an avenue to relief. Eventually, as they trust you to hold all of their feelings sacred, not just the physical ones, they won't need to find an excuse to get connection.

Happy ending.

Image credit: Feeleez ABCs

What Inspires This?

Do you ever feel like this?

When?

Rush No More

Did you know that fine motor skills are an upper brain function? Did you know that when we hurry our kids it is stressful and signals their brains to shift processing to the lower brain? So when it's time to hustle and we rush our kids while asking them to put on their shoes they often look like the boy in this illustration.

It's so inconvenient!

As it turns out empathy, connection, and touch are the quickest way back to upper brain functions. So even though it feels like you don't have time for it a hug just might save the day!

Image credit: Feeleez ABCs

Yippee!

Is this your kid? Bouncing off the walls when they should be doing something else?

It's so tempting to go into CONTROL MODE, doling out threats to get them to calm down and focus. So often the more tight and tense we get the wilder they become!

Luckily empathy works to mellow out even higher-end feelings. Even when kids are expressing crazy excitement what they are truly seeking is connection. So try out empathy for times like these: "Wow! Are you super excited?? Woo hoo! Alright!!"

Recognize their emotional experience and it will shift, whether they are sad or manic, every time.

Bonus feature: You don't act like a jerk. The result is a stronger relationship with continued benefits into the future.

Image credit: Feeleez Poster

Upset as Opportunity

Did you know that empathy is contagious?

Any empathy you offer your child directly affects your own brain chemistry as well as the brain chemistry of anyone in the vicinity.

So when your kid freaks out at the grocery store and you start to panic and everyone around you seems to be suffering as well, remember the CONTAGION EFFECT. As soon as you offer empathy your child will start to feel better (and quiet down) AND you will start to feel better (and calm down) AND those onlookers will feel better (even smile!).

When this happens it feels like magic, but it's actually chemistry. Humans are amazing.

Image credit: Feeleez ABCs

Everyone Is a Teacher

Did you always imagine raising a child that would reach out to others? One that would perhaps notice another child on the playground that was feeling lonely and befriend her?

That sought-after quality is called EMPATHY and the best way to teach it is to employ it yourself.

This means stopping yourself from trying to explain your child's feelings away (i.e.: "No need to worry honey, we'll get you a new one.") or coerce them into feeling better (i.e.: "Why don't you stop crying so we can talk about it."). Employing empathy means you simply recognize the feeling and allow it to be (i.e.: "You're feeling worried and sad about that huh?").

Each time you do this you make it not only possible but LIKELY that your child will recognize the feelings of others.

It's a win win!

Image credit: Feeleez ABCs

Not a Goose

Feeling silly is fun!

Sometimes parents join in and celebrate by tossing out playful names like: "You silly goose!" This is all in good fun, but in the interest of emotional safety (and the HUGE benefits of said safety) perhaps it would be better to celebrate without any labels. This makes it clear that not even subtle playful judgement is placed on feelings, that all are ok and none define who you are. 

Instead: "You feeling silly?! WOO HOOOO!!!"

Image credit: Feeleez Matching Game

Worried

Guess what doesn't work? Telling someone who is worried: "Don't worry! It's ok!"

Guess what does work? Saying: "Oh, you're worried? Tell me about it... Yes, that makes sense. Darn, I bet feeling worried is pretty uncomfortable for you."

Image credit: Feeleez poster

No Right to Embarrass

Kids, just like grownups, have pride. Even if they are breaking a rule or "not listening", it doesn't mean they are immune to the humiliating effects of a public correction.

Always remember to pull them aside for a private discussion when they need re-direction. Better yet, insert a big dose of CONNECTION before private correction.

Embarrassment never feels good.

Image credit: Feeleez ABCs

Ow

This Feeleez illustration is beloved by the 1-3yr old set. They like to narrate the injury, the crying, the potential bandaid and hug from mama or papa. It's straightforward; child suffers, child gets love and tenderness.

Here at the Center for Emotional Education we think every scenario- every outburst, meltdown, or infraction can first be triaged with love and tenderness. A child that is acting out is suffering and needs an "emotional bandaid" as much as one who has scraped an elbow.

When kids feel better, they do better.

Image credit: Feeleez matching game.

Seeing Red

The phrase "seeing red" come to mind?

When kids (anyone really) feel an intense emotion their higher brain functions completely shut down and all activity then originates from the reflexive brain (FIGHT, FLIGHT, FRIGHT!). This is just brain science, not a character flaw the child possesses. We can help brain activity move back into higher functions more quickly using empathy and connection during intense emotions.

Boiling Point

It's no joke. Kids can get to this level of rage over the color of their cereal bowl, or twisty socks. Why? Usually it's because they have too many unspent emotions built up and when the socks twist the emotional limit is reached and the dam bursts.

The good news? As loving caregivers we can drain off the emotional pressure throughout the day. 30 second bursts of empathy for life's little upsets keep the emotion level manageable.

So make a bit of time here and there to connect and empathize!

Andy feels Anxious

Sometimes we feel like this and that's ok. Knowing that a parent will help you, listen to you, love you, and be kind to you even when you aren't "big", "brave", or "strong ", builds a foundation of trust that provides important benefits FAR into adulthood.

So here's to support for ALL feelings, not just the enjoyable ones!

Image credit: Feeleez ABCs