We're wishing you a wonderful day!
Do you ever say something to your partner – maybe it's something about the week's schedule or plans with friends later – and then they respond with something totally and utterly illogical?
So much so, that (for reasons you can't exactly identify but are certain are completely valid...) you want to rip their head completely off?
Or at the very least, you wonder if they still have a grip on reality?
Or if they pay any attention, ever, to anything!?
Maybe it goes something like this:
Partner A: If we're going to have dinner with Jan and Steve before they go to Australia, it would have to be Thursday or Friday night. We can't do Wednesday night because we have that community meeting I'm hosting.
Partner B: Sure. Dinner on Wednesday with Jan and Steve sounds good.
Partner A: (flames and lightning exploding from ears) Are you f-ing serious? I just said WE CAN'T DO WEDNESDAY NIGHT! (full combustion and death-thoughts towards partner)
And then the couple says: Our problem is that we just can't communicate.
But if this couple came to Dear EQ, What Do I Do? and described this scenario, we'd say:
You two aren't necessarily inherently bad at communicating, but Survival Brain sure is!
When we're in an activated (or what a lot of folks call a "triggered") mode, we tend to operate from the Survival Brain State. Check out just some of the elements that make communicating from this state nearly impossible...
From the Survival state:
Our hearing shifts to be more sensitive to low and high frequencies (like the low thudding and growl of a bear, or the high hiss and crackle of movement in the thicket); and less sensitive to the mid-range frequencies of the human voice.
This means we literally have a harder time hearing and understanding other people talk to us!
Also, especially if in a Freeze Survival State, we often speak very quietly.
This means scary predators can't hear us, but it also means our partners can't hear us either!
To make matters worse, we generally use fewer words.
This brain state is all about silence, grunts, growls, and other guttural sound effects instead of clear, organized words, and cogent sentences.
To recap, when we're in Survival Mode we basically:
Can't hear
Speak unintelligibly
Don't use enough words
Then we wonder why communication is a challenge!
Next, we do a lot of efforting to "fix our communication problems" by making elaborate plans or holding weekly meetings, etc., etc., etc.. But when emotions run high once more, here comes the Survival State reactions and it's all for naught.
If this couple were members of Dear EQ, they'd hustle to the foundational videos that come with their monthly subscription, and they'd study up on how to move oneself out of Survival Mode!
Because it's not a matter of communicating better while activated, it's a matter of moving out of the activated state into a state that is naturally good at communicating!
What about you? Does the scenario described here sound all too familiar?
We wouldn't be surprised, because this sort of thing is extremely common.
It's not fair that we got born as humans without the playbook for "How Best to Be Human"!
Consider Dear EQ, What Do I Do? as your own personal playbook:
Throw us any scenario, and we'll plug it into our Emotional Intelligence and Brain Function Calculator and share our experience- and data-driven suggestions for your expert consideration! (We're the experts in our field, and we know you're the expert on you...)
And if you choose not to join us, that's ok too! Everyone learns differently and we trust you completely. In fact, please write us back and share your favorite ways for shifting out of an activated state, we'd love to hear about what works for you!
Our next meetup for Dear EQ is this Tuesday, December 19th at 12:30pm Pacific.
🎁 This month our focus is specifically on helping you navigate the holidays... Join us with all your questions about gatherings, and gift-giving, and getting along this holiday season. 🎁
It's that time of year... When the world goes off a cliff!
But we've got you.
We've made you this non-toxic, earth-friendly gift, specifically designed to help you get through the holidays.
🎁 Enter coupon code HOLIDAYEQ to make December 19th's session only $12! 🎁
(*If you like it, we meet once per month. Your cost is $30 per month. If you don't want to join again next month, just click cancel in your email confirmation. Easy peasy!)
If you're already in, feel free to email us your q's in advance, to love@centerforemotionaleducation.com.
Much love,
Natalie and Nathan