The Vulnerability of Giving A Name: A True Story.

Natalie and Nathan with little Echo

When we were pregnant with our daughter, Echo, my mom threw us a baby shower.

I was wearing jeans tucked into brown calf-high boots, a striped t-shirt that stretched over my belly, but also stretched all the way down and over my butt. My hair was cut high in the back but the front framed my face with chunks that reached past my jaw. 

If, based on my outfit, you guessed that this was the year 2006 – you are RIGHT! 

Glad you have the visual now.

My mom collected all the family members from both sides of my divorced family – an exceptionally rare occurrence, so please insert some awkward tension. And please also insert some acknowledgement of how much they love us in order to brave the awkwardness.

You may already be imagining what comes next because you have been to other baby showers, but I had not attended any baby showers before this event, so I was taken aback to discover that games would be played.

What?!

One of these games was for everyone to guess at the name we had chosen for our baby.

With growing unease we pulled name after name from the hat:
Samantha 
Katrina
Alex 
All fine names, of course, but nowhere close...

We shook our heads at each one. Then folks began shouting out other possibilities! Eager to get it right.

We shook our heads at those too. 

Finally we shared the name we had chosen...
Echo.

And then we had to repeat it several times.
ECho
ECHO
Nooo, Ec-ho...

Then once it was clear what name we had said, there was...
silence.

Echo's name now flows off the lips with extreme tenderness, care, and ease.
Her name is like speaking a jewel, or releasing a dove into the sky.
Her name is synonymous with love, respect, and deep adoration.

But then?
Then, for my family members, it was simply an unexpected sound.

And we stood there, feeling some uncomfortable vulnerability.

Eventually my grandma (blessed be her name), said: "Oh! That's an old-fashioned name!" And we were all released from our congealed state and became animated again.


In 2006,

• I didn't know that games were played at baby showers, or that I could have preferences about our party.
  (And there is something one can do about that.)
   

• I didn't know that people have feelings about everything, including the name of your baby.
  (And there is something one can do about that.)
   

• I didn't know that family gatherings customarily include tension whether there are divorced parties or not.
  (And there is something one can do about that.)
   

• And, most importantly, I didn't know that I could get help with any of the above.

Now, I know all about all of the above:
 

• How to own and meet my needs
   

• How to successfully advocate for my needs
   

• How to be vulnerable in front of a group
   

• How to regulate and be with my feelings
   

• How to expect others to have feelings no matter what
   

• How to help myself when others have feelings
   

• How to help others when they have feelings
   

• How to reduce tension in a room
   

• How to get help
   

Now, I "stand" before you in my messy bun, high waisted sweats, and crop top – hello 2023! – and with all that we have learned, and through using all the tools in our tool shed, we can now unselfconsciously announce the winning name of our new baby, oops, I mean our new offering ....
 

From the 3 options we put before you and your fellows in our community:

What Would EQ Do?
EQ4U&ME
Dear EQ, What Do I Do?
 

The winner is...

Dear EQ, What Do I Do?

Wooohoooooooooo!! Yippee! Yeeehaaaaaaw!!!

EQ refers to Emotional Intelligence, or specifically our "Emotional Quotient" which is how much emotional intelligence we have – like IQ for feelings. 

This program is designed to allow us all to be able to attain our particular goals through the use of emotional intelligence and neuroscience. While also supporting us all to reprogram our brains for greater emotional intelligence and social skill.

Higher EQ is associated with a healthy ability to recognize, use, understand, and manage our emotions. It's also associated with a host of beneficial outcomes. Better physical and mental health, better professional and financial success, and better relationship satisfaction and overall life fulfillment. Which isn't nothing...


If the Natalie and Nathan of 2006 were enrolled in this program they would have been able to ask questions like:

• My family is planning a baby shower for me, but I'm not sure I'm going to like it. What do I do?
   

• My divorced mom and dad are going to be in the same room together. What do I do?
   

• I'm heading into an awkward situation, but I want to have a good time. What do I do?

And then the Natalie and Nathan of 2006 would have been able to consider several ideas and suggestions as to how to leverage emotional intelligence and neuroscience to navigate the situation.

And they'd have the best baby shower ever.
And/or the best approach to get through the baby shower they had.

In Dear EQ, What Do I Do?* we will never tell you what you should want, what you should shoot for, what your goals should be. Instead we will listen carefully to what it is that you want, and then we will make some suggestions as to how you may be able to help yourself get exactly that. 

We're human and we're alive, so that means we'll have feelings and we'll definitely face tricky, awkward, and stressful situations.

And that means, we all need help sometimes! 

Our first Dear EQ meetup is October 25th. Stay tuned for what questions we will be answering, or better yet, sign right up, submit your question and we'll see you on the 25th to answer it.

Love,
Natalie and Nathan


*Dear EQ, What Do I Do?, is a monthly subscription for $30. You can click here right now to learn more about it!

Are You Familiar with Appease?

Survival Mode has been in the news and socials more and more over the last few years. At the Center for Emotional Education, we’ve been studying Survival Mode for over 2 decades and teaching about it for almost that long.

Many folks have heard about Fight or Flight, and about half as many have heard of Freeze, and only about half as many of those have heard of Appease. Other than the sweet mnemonic rhyme, why do we pick Appease over the alliterative suit-follower Fawn? Mostly because we know that the domain of Fawn rests neatly within the sphere of Appease.

As a category, Appease is broader because it includes fawning, people-pleasing, flirting, bargaining, tending-and-befriending, self-deprecation, martyrdom, and (the often hailed “5th F”) f#cking when we don’t really want to, among a host of other subtle forms of trying to keep a perceived predator satisfied so they don’t threaten you…

At the Center for Emotional Education, we’re now also delineating between “Hyper-Arousal” and “Hypo-Arousal” Appease. Because we’ve noticed distinct-enough-to-be-useful characteristics between those of us who frantically move about seeking ways to be more pleasing, and those of us who passively allow ourselves to be misused for someone else’s pleasure.

Why are we making a newsletter about this? Only because we want you to have more power over yourself and your experience.

When we recognize that not just our fawning reactions but also our knee jerk reactions to throw our self under the bus, or volunteer when we’re threadbare, or to go into service-oriented work to a burnout level is (also) part of Survival Appease – then suddenly we have more agency to alter the course and caliber of our life.

So even if we’re not in Fight, or Flight, or Freeze – even when we’re just running around “merrily” taking care of the whole world in Appease Mode – we can still be in Survival. And when we’re in a Survival Brain state, we aren’t getting to truly live or thrive. And until we come out of Survival, all we can do is scrape by.

If you’re finding that you have some runaway people-pleasing, self-flagellating to self-martyring, everybody-else-first-until-I’m-basically-dying tendencies – you might be scraping by in Appease Mode. And the only way out is to reassure your nervous system that you’re safe, even if you aren’t always pleasing. 

Now, no affirmation on Earth is going to penetrate your Survival Brain System – so please don’t annoy yourself with another “I’m safe” mantra for this one. Instead, think regulation, think orientation, think physical and psychological grounding. Get into breath, get into natural neurochemical maintenance, get into Survival Support Strategies (as we call them) so you can get out of Appease Mode.

Then you can finally see what you really want. Then you can finally know who you really are. Then you can finally do all that you’re here to do, instead of just scraping by.

We’re cheering you on! We’ve been there ourselves. We know you can experience a different kind of living once you get your life out of Survival Mode.

Big love to you. Keep going!

Love,
Natalie and Nathan

Help Us Pick A Name for Our New Offering!

We hope this finds you enjoying a smooth and easy day.

We feel such gratitude and appreciation having you in our community!

And, we know some of you are newer here and some of you have been here for ages. So, just in case it would be useful, we wanted to (re)introduce ourselves and tell you about something new we've created to support you...

Natalie and Nathan smiling

We're Natalie Christensen and Nathan M McTague, and we are the co-founders of the Center for Emotional Education! We've spent the last nearly 17 years working with some of the world's most powerful people, who have already been incredibly successful, but who still struggle with debilitating emotional overwhelm, anxiety, and/or depression that gets in the way of their work, their health, and their social interactions and relationships. 

We help them learn how to operate their emotional system and reprogram their brain to be better at feelings, so they can finally have the next level business success, the health, and the relationships that they deserve.

Through the Center for Emotional Education, we lead courses for individuals, trainings for groups, certification for practitioners, and offer 1:1 coaching for our clients all over the world — so that they, too, can move from emotional overwhelm to Emotional Sovereignty™, and finally fully own their lives. 
 

And starting next month we have a new offer!

We created this brand-new program to offer support around those common but pesky interpersonal moments that have the potential to be awkward, for sure, but also potentially detrimental to the relationships involved.

You know those moments:

The awkward invite from your boss to attend a function you definitely don’t want to go to…   

That scenario where you know you need to set a boundary with a friend, but you’re too full of panic to say anything...

We wanted to offer real-hands on support for just those types of situations and all the ones like them.

We’re doing a question and answer format, so that folks can bring the dilemma with which they're struggling and we will offer emotionally intelligent advice for how to successfully navigate that particular situation.

And we’re talking about really direct and obvious support in the way of tips, scripts, and playbooks that are all rooted in the latest neuroscience, social-emotional learning, and positive psychology, and thus, will likely be the most effective advice you ever receive. 

We’ve read or listened to our fair share of bad advice – guidance that never takes into account the brain state of any of the people involved! Because of this, most guidance is doomed to fail from the start. And then, when it fails, the person seeking help just assumes that somehow it’s their fault! Not fair.

Not fair at all, and certainly not helpful. So… if you are in a tricky spot, and need help navigating a social situation with grace, and success, while maintaining connection, you might want to check this out.
 

But first – we need help with a name!

Will you help us choose between one of the following?

What Would EQ Do?

EQ4U&ME

Dear EQ, What Do I Do?

Which one sounds best – most inviting, resonant, and clearest – to you? Would you be willing to respond to this email and let us know which name gets your vote?

Thanks for your help!

Love,
Natalie and Nathan

One of the Most Powerful Phrases I Ever Heard

Natalie here. And I hope you're doing well.

Emotional Sovereignty School closes tonight at 11:59pm Pacific.
(So I wanted to reach out again before then...)

Are you starting to see the impact on your life if you had instructions for how to work feelings?

Of being able to go into any situation and be your biggest, shiniest self?

Are you starting to see that it's never too late to rewire your nervous system for greater health, wealth, and relationships? 

Especially with the right help?

I remember one of the most powerful phrases I ever heard:

“Want to tell me more?” 

At that time, I was a mother of young children. Sitting on our couch at the end of a movie. As soon as the credits started rolling I was ejected from the fantasy land of the movie and slammed back into my reality. I immediately found something I detested about our lives. And called it out.

When Nathan asked me that question, Nathan was really telling me that it was ok to be upset, that I had permission to identify and voice my woes. So I did. I had a whole list.

Sunlight coming through a window, illuminating the corner of a couch, with some dog hair showing.

The ugly pink fleece blanket on my lap

• The hair on the couch

• The to-do list for tomorrow

• The amount in our bank account

• And more...

Instead of denying what I was listing was a problem, or getting defensive, or shaming me for not being grateful for our life, or even just changing the subject or trying to cheer me up, Nathan used a piece of our 3-part system that we would teach, several years later, in Emotional Sovereignty School.

I crumpled in tears and feelings, and then...
 

I flipping bloomed. 

That night was a turning point for me. My emotional needs were met at a previously unknown level and my world opened up. That night marked the spot between my life before and my life after Notice, Name, Touch™.

Because of NNT and all the other regulating and processing strategies we teach in Emotional Sovereignty School:

• I now only own luxurious, beautiful blankets.

• There is no hair on my couch, because I was able to eventually swap our Pier 1 tweed for a high-quality leather.

• My to-do list is full of high-level, world-changing things.

• We have several bank accounts - including one just for vacation.

• And more!

And most importantly...
 

I now know what to do with my emotions, so I can have whatever else I want  in my life– beyond just blankets and couches.

The biggest piece in my turning point is that I was offered help and I went for it. 

It was a terrifying moment in some ways. I had to stop being stoic, stop waiting for someone to fix it for me, and stop just praying and wishing for things to be different. 

I had to get vulnerable, get help, and devote myself to the new path.

It's time for you to make that decision too.

Aerial view of a group of people floating together in pool in a circle formation, with their legs facing the center and holding each other’s hands, in commraderie.

Emotional Sovereignty School, our foundational course on how to rewire your nervous system for greater health, wealth, and relationships, closes TONIGHT.

There is not yet another institution in the world where you can get this training. 

If you're thinking about joining Emotional Sovereignty School to feel more ease, joy, and connection, and less stress, tension, and angst, this email is for you.

If you’ve realized the importance of being able to easily process emotion — and not having to go into Fight, Flight, Freeze, or Appease — then we have one request for you.

All we ask is that you:

• Take 3 minutes to read this email.

• Take a good strong inhale, and then slowly breathe out, elongating the exhale as much as you can.

• Repeat this breath 10 times.
   

• Then make an aligned decision.

• (Making a rash decision is a less useful decision.)

• (And making no decision is still a decision.)

But for a select few, 6 months from now, making this decision could be the turning point in your life. 

If you’ve ever wanted to actually get all the things on your bucket list — to live as your best self, share that with your family, your community, the world, and know just what to do when the waters get choppy — we can show you how. 

While Nathan and I were planning out our year:

• scheduling NeuroEmotional Coach Training, Certification, masterclasses, and more

• organizing a luxury retreat in the US Virgin Islands

• raising three inimitable young women

• planning trips to see family

• and organizing a once-in-a-lifetime celebration weekend with 50 friends and family members

Did we worry that our triggers might ruin the whole thing?

No we did not.

But, it also isn't surprising. We have spent the last 20 years, 16 in active 1:1 practice with our pioneering clients, researching, studying, and supporting others in emotional processing and healing work. Enjoying this type of emotional flexibility and security is exactly why we created the Center for Emotional Education. We wanted to facilitate others in learning how to live, emotionally capacious and resilient, like we do.

It's striking to think about how close we were to just accepting the old way of living – recuperating from one upset while trying desperately to avoid any further upsets.

Like most people, we experienced fear and hesitation around feeling our emotions and getting stuck in the "pit of despair" forever. And we felt such worry and hopelessness around being able to be in charge of our emotional experience, that we almost didn't even try.

But we knew if there was one thing we could do, it was just start. Just get curious.

And we lucked out! Our first baby steps led us into the world of neuropsychology. That's when we realized that figuring out emotions isn't rocket science. It’s brain science!

We also learned something really cool about humans.

All of us have something in our lives that we REALLY want to do — be patient with our children, fall deeply in love, write a novel, learn to do a handstand... We joke about it, we journal about it, pray about it. We read and research and even spend money on it.

But when we are faced with real-life opportunities to live into that dream, we choke. Instead we yell at our kids, run away from the date, procrastinate writing, and tend to other's head wounds instead of our own head stands.

It doesn’t mean we’re broken. It means we accidentally get stuck in a Survival reaction of Fight, Flight, Freeze, or Appease.

 

3 Common Delusions About Emotional Sovereignty

1. “I do plenty of yoga. So I'm all set.”

Yoga, and other body-focused activities, like: running, meditating, tai-chi, walking, swimming, praying, and pickle ball are excellent for building up our resilience. It's smart to strengthen our bodies and minds for what life has to throw at us.

But when we say, “I do yoga instead of emotional processing", it's like saying "I have this 500 pound weight on my chest so I'm going to build up my muscles. If I'm strong enough I won't even feel this massive weight."

THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN! 

Emotions come faster than muscles build. And not only do they come quickly, they never stop coming. We will never be strong enough or limber enough to ward off or not feel emotion. Yoga and running and all that good stuff makes it easier to be with emotion, but it does not remove or reduce emotion. 

And that's ok! Because, listen, there are tools that do metabolize emotion. 

Today you can decide to just keep on working extra hard at your resilience practices and hoping they magically ward off emotional discomfort, or you can invest in a skillset that removes the 500 pound weight from your chest. We'll show you how. 

2. "I don't have time."

It's true, life doesn't stop. You have more things on your plate than any human ever should have to. It's not cool that each day is busier than the next. 

And... when we don't take the time to develop Emotional Sovereignty we likely waste a lot of time. Acting out from Survival Mode means we typically have to do a lot of clean up.

Fight: We have to make amends after yelling at or being harsh with somebody. That can take hours, even days of our time.
Flight: We have to recreate relationships, structures, and support systems after bailing out rashly or quickly, like when we quit our job on an impulse, or cut out before our lease is up. That can take hours, days, or even months of our time.
Freeze: We have to work overtime, on the weekends, or through the night to make up for any work we missed while we were stuck on the couch, or distracting ourselves with social media and online shopping. We have to spend afternoons at the doctor tending to the damage we've caused by living a more sedentary, numbed out life. This can take hours, days, months, or even years of our time.
Appease: When pleasing others is how we avoid uncomfortable emotion, we dedicate our entire life to serving others and putting others' needs before our own. When this is a common Survival Mode, we can live a whole life where every minute is spent on others. 

Successful people, including emotionally successful people, make time to learn time-saving and life-changing skills. 

And, one cool thing is that once you learn the skills we teach in Emotional Sovereignty School, they fold seamlessly into your existing life. 

Today you can choose to spend more of your hours, days, and weeks cleaning up the messes that your Survival Mode has created, or you can devote 2.5 hours a week for 12 weeks to rewire your nervous system for Emotional Sovereignty. 

We can show you how to work Emotional Sovereignty into your daily life.

3. "I can't afford it."

You know what's a major bummer? When we enroll for our NeuroEmotional Coach Training folks sign up easily. Why? Because it's for their business. Our culture supports business investments, but when it comes to investing in one's self? That's not so groovy. 

When we teach our students about brain states and we ask them how long they've been stuck in Survival Mode, can you guess what the most common answer is?

ALL MY LIFE.

Many of us spend our entire lives lurching from one emergency to the next, executing all of life's stages: high school, college, child-rearing, relationships, business ownership, etc, from Survival Mode. 
 

Survival Mode is not a money maker!

It wastes money like it wastes time.

Fight: We lash out regularly and then wonder why we don't get new clients, a raise, or a promotion.
Flight: We quit everything we start and then wonder why we don't have regular clientele, or strong references, or long-lasting and profitable connections.
Freeze: We procrastinate projects, or starting our business and then wonder why we get passed up for important, profitable assignments, or wonder why we're still not reaping the rewards of entrepreneurship.
Appease: We spend all of our time being pleasing to others, so we never ask for a raise, never negotiate for a better-paying contract, never quit the low-paying job, and then burn ourselves out to the point we can't work at all. Then we wonder "Where's all the money we should have gotten from all that hard work we put in?"

If we have any hope of ever being able to afford any of the things we really want, we have to get out of Survival Mode.

Today you can choose to continue to place your bet on Survival Mode to get you to a richer place, or you can learn what it takes to get into the mode that makes money easily and effortlessly. (That's Executive Mode by the way!)

Luckily that's precisely what Emotional Sovereignty School is for.


At some point we have to choose ourselves. Invest in ourselves.

Not because we're broken.
Not because we can't hack it.
Not because our exercise regime isn't rigorous enough.
Not because we have a bunch of time laying around, so why not.
Not because we're rich and have "nothing better" to spend our money on.

Everyone who joins Emotional Sovereignty School has their own beautiful and particular reason for joining:

"I wanted to treat my kids gently so they can trust me and want to be with me."

"I wanted to actually enjoy everything I've worked so hard to achieve."

"I wanted to feel okay with "displeasing" others, so that I am able to say what I need and want."

"I wanted to know how to shift out of it when I get nervous and finally get to relax."

"I wanted to feel safe enough to fall in love."

"I wanted to feel confident and consistently motivated to go for my dream of owning a business."

"I wanted to make enough money, easily,  so that we could travel around the world."

"I wanted to break old patterns and develop new ones that actually allow me to thrive, not just survive."

 

What would your life look like if you had more Emotional Sovereignty?
 

Why will you join Emotional Sovereignty School and re-wire your nervous system?

 

It's time to choose.

Today — until tonight at 11:59pm Pacific — you have the opportunity to join Emotional Sovereignty School and reap the benefits of our 3-part system. We’ve spent our lives perfecting this curriculum, so now you can get the best emotional education on the planet at the tip of your fingers.

6 months from now, if you don't join Emotional Sovereignty School, where will you be?

The people who don't take the leap? Back to more dissatisfying and destabilizing Survival Mode than they'd like. 

Entire lives, and the generations that follow, pivot on a decision like this.

Now it's your turn to decide which way your life and your lineage goes.

Everyone wants to feel and do better...

But what are you DOING about it? What steps are you taking to create that for yourself?

Say YES and start building your new nervous system today.

Or... you could wait. Maybe things will just change on their own...

A year from now you'll be a year older, your old patterns will have had a whole additional year to get cemented further. Do you imagine those patterns will feel any better than they do now? Do you have the sense that they'll be easier to change then?

5 years from now, you could look back at this as one of the most self-loving decisions you ever made...or it might just be another day lost to the blur of mere Survival.

We look forward to hearing your reason for taking the leap and joining Emotional Sovereignty School.

Much love,

Nathan and Natalie

What are the Subtle Signs of Emotional Aptitude?

Felicitations and well wishes!

With Emotional Sovereignty School coming up next week, we've been talking about it quite a bit. And we were thinking, you might like to know some signs/benefits of emotional aptitude. What does it look like when we start to get good at feelings?

So here's a working list: 

Quicker recovery from mishaps.

The cat pees on the rug. The dog rolls in a dead animal. These things suck! There are logistical factors to tend to in these situations, and lots of feelings. And those that are emotionally adept deal with the matter at hand, feel the feelings, and (because they have the tools) move on in a quick-ish amount of time. Things like this don't ruin their day.

"The straw that didn't break the camel's back."

Emotional Capacity is the space and ability to be with emotion – even tough emotion, and even repeat bouts of emotion. Those with emotional aptitude have the ability to experience multiple upsets in any period of time and not self-destruct.

Ownership.

One partner says something, the other misunderstands and gets their hackles up, and before we know it a little disconnection turns into an actual fight. These things happen in relationship. It's a bummer. And, a person with emotional aptitude will have the ability to acknowledge the role they played in the interaction and take responsibility for their part, without throwing themselves under the bus. 

Vulnerable words and actions.

If emotionally adept folks are feeling nervous about whether or not you're going to like their birthday present, they say so. When the sad part of the movie comes along, they cry. Those with emotional aptitude can feel and express their feelings across a wide spectrum of situations, without it having to be something they apologize for ("So sorry I'm getting so emotional!") and without it becoming a part of their identity ("Don't mind me, I"m just a big crybaby.").

Knowing one's needs and teaming up with others to meet needs.

Those with emotional aptitude know when they need space, or attention, or touch, or any other important human need. And instead of forcing their agenda, isolating themselves, or blaming others, as a way to get their needs met, they lean in, communicate, and get curious, so that everyone has a chance to be heard and get their needs met within the relationship.

Longterm relationships – of all sorts.

Being in relationship over time inherently means encountering conflict. Those with emotional aptitude are able to maintain relationships with neighbors, colleagues, fellow students, partners, children, and family members over long periods of time because they have the ability to stay in connection amidst conflict. They don't self-sacrifice until their resentment reaches the point to where they have to leave, they don't grossly offend or break trust, they don't ghost, and they don't burn bridges.

Easy friend-making.

To make new friends one must have the ability to enter new situations and interact successfully. Emotionally adept people use their tools to process feelings before entering social situations, stay grounded within the situation, and remain in close connection with their true self throughout. The use of their neuroemotional toolkit means that when the encounter with a new person begins, they eagerly engage the opportunity to connect, they express themselves honestly and authentically, they have a good time, and they remain invested and interested in future contact and interactions. 

Financial success.

The usual saying is: "It's not what you know, it's who you know." Sure, but really it's not who you know, it's who you connect with. It wouldn't do you any good to know 50,000 people if each one of them thought you were a jerk. Emotionally adept people are financially successful because they are good at connection. Maybe their car gets a a big dent, but they are in frequent connective contact with others, and those people know people, so pretty quickly a friend-of-a-friend swings by to pop the dent out free of charge – saving $2,000. Or... maybe their company is getting folded into another, but it turns out the head of HR is an old friend from when the kids were in kindercare, and she puts in a good word, and now there's a massive salary upgrade and the corner office.

In fact, any of the bullet points highlighted above lead to greater health, wealth, and relationships –  more success in all forms, in all areas of life.


Can you think of any other signs of emotional aptitude? Respond to this message and we'll add them to our list!

Here's some we don't agree with:

 When we ask this question, we get a lot of off-base answers like this:
"Always happy, never upset."
"They never yell."
"Nothing bothers them."

Nope. Not it...

These are more likely examples of people being really "good" at Survival Freeze (Placid lake on the outside, hurricane on the inside!) and Survival Appease (Smiling on the outside, suffering on the inside!). We should know because these were our go-to Survival Modes and we got so much praise for our (false) "zen attitude".

We don't want to laud or celebrate living in Survival Mode! That just perpetuates the myth that to be seen as successful and healthy all feelings should be repressed and/or hidden. 

Having feelings and expressing feelings is normal, healthy human behavior. Something we should be good at!

And feelings are not a problem if we know what to do with them.

Let's save ourselves a bunch of torture, and just normalize feelings, once and for all. Then let's get really good at having them.

One more sign of emotional aptitude?

Getting help. If you made a list of successful people you admire, more than likely, every single one you could name, got help. There are others who have walked the path before us that can offer guidance, toolkits, and road maps. Those with emotional aptitude avidly seek and receive this kind of help. 

What about you? Do you have emotional aptitude? 

Do you want more?

There are just three days left to sign up for Emotional Sovereignty School -- your optimal support, toolkit, and roadmap rolled into one. 

Are you ready for:
Quicker recovery from mishaps?
Increased emotional capacity?
Graceful, confident ownership of your actions?
The ability to act and speak vulnerably?
Knowing your needs and how to team up to meet them?
Longterm relationships of all sorts?
Easy friend-making?
More connections, more money, more success?
And help?

We got you covered.

Don't let this be yet another year where you merely limp along and wish for things to be different.

You could click the button below and already be well on your way to everything outlined above, Or, you could navigate away and go back to smiling on the outside while the suffering swirls inside.

You get to choose. We hope you choose you – in whatever form that takes.

Love,
Natalie and Nathan

Common Emotional Advice Isn't Good Enough

Yes, it’s possible to move through emotion easily without getting bogged down in days of misery.

But it means we have to think differently than the usual "helpful" suggestions.

Recently, someone asked us, "How do you two stay so grounded and positive all the time?"

We said. We don't. We feel all the feelings - including fear, powerlessness, anger, and jealousy - and use our 3-part system to come back to a naturally positive and grounded state.

This person was like, What?!?!

This person, like everyone else, has been steeped in all the cultural messaging that we should always be POSITIVE, GRATEFUL, CALM, and MEASURED. And since this is the mythos in which she lives, if she's feeling uncomfortable, she thinks there is something wrong with her, and that she just needs to _____________ (work harder, exercise more, develop a cleaning routine, breathe more, etc).


If this is the guidance we get and it still doesn't work, no wonder people hate dealing with emotions!


Feeling the whole spectrum of emotion, instead of stuffing it or bypassing it, is so unusual, it seems ludicrous. That's okay. We're cool with being unusual if it means we're good at emotions.

Here are the things we hear people say in order to talk themselves out of exploring the opportunities we offer, like Emotional Sovereignty School.

“But I do yoga, that should be enough”

“Who has time for purposeful emotion?”

“I can't afford to pause my life for feelings.”

And yet...

Other people just like you have done it.

Cancer patients.
Marketing executives.
Low-income parents.
People who run their own business.
People with a college degree.
People without a high school diploma.
Grandparents.
Single moms with kids on the spectrum.
Tech executives.
Baristas.
Artists.

They were reading an email exactly like this...and they made a decision to master their emotional experience.

Look at a few results from our Emotional Sovereignty students — our course on how to re-wire your nervous system for better health, wealth, and relationships.

Lauren, NeuroEmotional Mentor, Yoga Teacher, Doula, Ayurvedic Postpartum,Care Specialist, Mother, and Wife

“Emotional Sovereignty School is an exquisitely life-changing journey...

Natalie and Nathan are both incredibly mindful, loving, intelligent, profoundly emotionally safe, full of integrity, and with decades of experience.

I’m not kidding, this learning WILL change your life, all of your relationships - and give you the tools to create more of what you truly desire.

Yep, it’s that amazing.”

Nathaniel, Father, Husband, NeuroEmotional Coach, Sacred Son, Friend, Facilitator of Guided Energy and Core Belief Work

“These techniques I learned with the Center for Emotional Education have helped me tremendously.

Learning how to support myself and others, and understanding the physiology of my nervous system, has been empowering and liberating.

I no longer experience panic.
 
And when I do experience anxiety I am able to head it off at the pass and to regulate back to my baseline, and do so faster and faster over time.

Anxiety doesn’t have the wheel anymore, it’s still in the car but it’s no longer driving.”

Nikki, Business Owner, Community Leader, Mother, Wife

“Emotional Sovereignty School taught me how to better stay in tune with the connection between my body and emotions allowing me to have freedom of choice in my responses to daily challenges.”

Are you the next one to reap the rewards of a remodeled nervous system?

The doors to Emotional Sovereignty School are open now and will remain open until August 7th at 11:59pm, Pacific.

We really hope to see you in class.

Love,
Natalie and Nathan

A Day In Our Life of Speaking Brain

We hope this finds you in a moment of quietude.

We talk a lot about “Speaking Brain™” and brain states and emotions. But what does it actually look like to Speak Brain throughout the day?

As an example, here is an afternoon in our life….

We rode to the river after our work day. Talking over the whir of the wheels, about our complaints, concerns, and celebrations.

(aka we Spoke Emotional Brain with each other)

We came home to a surly teen that didn’t know what to wear out to dinner. I didn’t say much — certainly didn’t offer suggestions. I slowly drank my water nearby. I sprawled languidly on the couch.

(aka I Spoke Survival Brain with her)

The teen drove to dinner. I took short inhales and let out long exhales while eyeing the speedometer.

(aka I Spoke Survival Brain with myself)

Met the birthday girl and walked to the restaurant. She had lots to share. Story after story of young-adult drama, excitement, confusion, and more. We were curious, guffawed, and leaned in with empathy. We were careful not to rend our clothes with panic, try to solve any of the problems, over effuse, or teach any lessons.

(aka we Spoke Emotional Brain with her)

Things got playful at the table and joke was piling on top of joke. Dessert and coffee came, huge smiles and delirious affection.

(aka we all Spoke Executive Brain together)

Afterwords some impatience kicked in. A red light was almost run. I shouted. Full disconnection ensued…

When we got home, we opened up the house windows and let in a breeze. We stripped down to bare-minimum, comfy lounge clothes. We drank water. We let time pass.

(aka we Spoke Survival Brain together)

Then we got some news about a beloved family member. We felt worry. We shared our frets.

(aka we Spoke Emotional Brain)

Right after that, we eased into planning next weekend and the teen’s interest in a concert. We troubleshooted logistics.

(aka we Spoke Executive Brain)

A little later, we got sleepy. We brushed our teeth. We stood in the night garden while the dog peed. And said I love you lots of times.

And then we slept.

A perfect afternoon. Not because things went perfectly. They didn’t. There were emotions, reactions, and important things to navigate.

But when you know how to Speak Brain, you know what to do in each stage of the game.

We never pretend to be perfect (always zen, always calm, always smart, always whatever) because we don’t have to. That’s not even our goal for ourselves. And it’s not what we promise our students.

What we do promise is that life will be wonderful and life will be shitty. And you’ll know what to do in the shitty times to get to more of the wonderful times.

We invite you to enroll in Emotional Sovereignty School. Come on this 12-week odyssey with us, and you can learn to Speak Brain, too!

Love,

Natalie and Nathan

Newsletter: What's YOUR Relaxed Life Look Like?

We hope this finds you in a moment of peace.

Natalie here, with story time once again... :)

When I was a kid I spent every Friday night at my grandma's house. It was about as cozy and wholesome as a kid could wish for. Heaven for me.

But, occasionally, I got invited to a friend's house for a sleepover.

Some kids dreamed about big, fun things, like sleeping outside in a tent, or going to the drive-in, maybe a movie marathon.

Me? My dream was simple.

I hoped to:

– not be too homesick

– not stay up too late (too scary)

– not spend too much time with my friend's dad (because he seemed scary, too)

Little Natalie - hoping for "not-too-scary"

Nathan's sleepover dream was simple too.

Nathan hoped to:

– avoid the parents unless they weren't too scary

– avoid having to eat foods N didn't like

– be able to sleep through the night

Little Nathan "hoping for not-too-scary" too

If we could go back, we would have helped our safety-craving selves to dream bigger.

It's pretty hard to dream, when you're busy worrying, isn't it?

Uncomfortable feelings, like anxiety, worry, panic, insecurity, shyness, despair, hopelessness, frustration, grief, and powerlessness, take up all of our time, energy, and focus. It's difficult to even function when feelings like this are filling our body with adrenaline and cortisol and sending us into Survival Mode al the time.

When kids are lucky enough to not feel tons of anxiety at a slumber party, they can dream big and play big.

Mega-forts!

Slip-n-slide obstacle courses!

Talent shows!

If you too dreamed of just feeling not-anxious, not-scared, not-powerless – what would your dream be if you could get beyond that?

Maybe the next level is to go camping with confidence. Or to get the lead role in a play. Or charge top-dollar for your services. Isn’t it interesting how the more you want — even if you don’t tell anyone else — the more uncomfortable it can start to feel?

For example, right now we are planning an extravagant 20-year anniversary party. We've rented out an entire lakeside lodge. We're going to spend a bunch of money. We will be the center of attention for three days straight.

If 7-year-old Natalie and Nathan saw this, they would run under a bed to hide! But if you know what you want, and you can gracefully handle the feelings around it – we say go ahead and dream/live extravagantly.

We now have successful, relaxed nervous systems that allow us massive benefits in life. For one, we can attend the biggest sleepover of our lives (our party!) and we're not full of worry about whether or not we'll be able to sleep.

Not many people talk about this because mental health is generally taboo. Which is why we've made this our focus for the last almost 17 years of supporting people in 1:1 work, classes, trainings, and luxury retreats.

Whether it’s successfully going on a week-long vacation with your co-parent, prioritizing your needs and taking a bath instead of making dinner, or just taking a connective, bonding walk with your lover – our mission is to show people that you can have that.

You can have the life you want without all the discomfort you don't want.

So, let us ask you this question:

“If you were suddenly at ease in your nervous system, what would you do? What would YOUR dream life look like?”

We call this the magic wand scenario. Wave your magic wand!

Imagine what you would do if your stress and anxiety didn't get in the way. What would it look like for you?

Feel better in your body?

Make more money?

Sing a solo?

Be who you really are?

Give it a moment. Maybe put your hand on your heart as you ponder, this will allow your nervous system to relax long enough to even think of what you might want.

And then instead of saying, “Well, it's too late for me. I'm just weird/broken/sensitive.”

Ask yourself THIS question:

"What would it take to make that happen?"

For us, the answer was to learn how emotion works in the brain, to gather tools and information, and have the support necessary to put it all into practice.

We wanted to grow. We wanted to be able to enjoy friends and family, think clearly, act courageously, make more money, have a greater impact, and be at ease in our bodies and hearts too.

We now carry "Emotional Sovereignty" passports that mean we can go anywhere. Whether it's to the car dealership to negotiate a better deal, to the coffee shop to meet a new and interesting friend, or to the US Virgin Islands to host our next retreat for our beloved community.

We can now go anywhere and do anything.

FeatherLeaf Inn - the location of this year's Real-Life Magic Retreat

We never would have imagined this when we were young. What a tragedy it would have been if our dreams had stayed the same as our 7-year-old selves!

That small dream of being able to feel less scared? We wish we could go back in time and take our little selves into our arms and laps, and give them all the tools and support we now have, so that they could “DREAM BIGGER!!”

Us reassuring our younger selves that dreaming big is safe for us...

One of our clients had the dream of building a nervous system that allowed her to process her feelings around scarcity, and thus empower her to say No to measly, pesky contracts. She wanted to make room for her dreams of meaningful, BIG contracts. Just two years later she now regularly lands multi-million dollar contracts and doesn't even look at the smaller, less interesting stuff.

What seems unreachable now can seem ordinary later – if you have the tools and use them.

What was your dream when you were a kid?

What’s your dream now?

DREAM BIG. What's the BIGGEST version of yourself that you can imagine.

Comment below and let us know!

Love,

Natalie and Nathan

You May be New to the Center for Emotional Education

Here's what you can do next:

Learn more about our upcoming program, Emotional Sovereignty School

Or… book yourself a Complimentary “Feel Better Already” Strategy Session

Do You Work Hard And Still Can't Relax?

Dear friend,

We hope your Summer is moving so sweetly!

We’re reaching out today because we wanted to introduce you to someone.

This is Carissa…

We created and drew the Carissa character because she's like so many of the rest of us.

Brilliant

Pretty successful

Pretty well-loved

Pretty well-partnered

Busy

A learner

Capable

A hard worker

Eager for everything

Earnest

Vulnerable

Sound familiar?

And just like so many of us, Carissa has trouble fully enjoying her life.

Even after all the:

Exercise

Organization

Inner work

Valiant efforts

Therapy

Mindfulness practices

Ceremonies

Alternative medicine

Journaling

Breath work

Dancing, and

Meditation

She is still:

Hyper vigilant

Over-thinking

Worried

Confused as to why all her hard work isn’t working

Not able to fully relax

Challenged by being present

Rarely her true self

Always anticipating the next emergency

Sound familiar?

Life is not meant to be like that!

Life is meant for enjoyment, pleasure, ease, fun, and connection!

After following along with our newsletters, and social media posts, Carissa had this uncomfortable realization: “

I’ve been living in Survival Mode my whole life!”

She was tempted to procrastinate another day, to slip back into the wishful thinking that her anxiety and hyper-vigilance would just go away on her own.

But instead she took action and invested in herself.

Carissa gifted herself Emotional Sovereignty School!

Survival Mode isn't good enough.

Carissa wants to enjoy her life, not just survive her life.

And now she gets to have that.

She’s making a strategic investment in herself and willing to show up for herself for 12 solid weeks in order to:

• Have less work and more ease.

• Re-wire her nervous system once and for all.

• Be part of a community that is helping each other unlearn old patterns and heal their lineages.

Carissa knows she can cry and laugh with us.

She trusts that she is not broken or too weird, she just has had some key traumatic experiences, and just needs a little help.

Can you relate to Carissa?

Are you ready for your life to be much better, with less effort and more efficacy?

You came to the right place.

We have a spot for you in Emotional Sovereignty School, and in our hearts.

We’re ready for you.

Love,

Natalie and Nathan

PS. Carissa's super cute partner Barry is coming to class as well, because partners enroll for FREE!

School Starts Aug 8th

The Day I Saved Myself Big $$$ and Mental Torture

Natalie here.

The other day I saved myself big money and several days of mental torture. Let me tell you how it happened.

Our renter wrote to ask me if she could stay one month longer than her lease.

I said she could stay two weeks longer but no more because the new renter was moving in.

She got upset! She pointed out that her lease said she had the option of staying on and now she’d have to scramble.

In my past I would consider this an emergency because:

1. Conflict
2. She was right. I was wrong.
3. Someone was mad at me.
4. Money is involved.

Also in my past I would have thrown my phone down like a hot potato and “ignored the message” but really I would:

1. Run an incessant monologue obsessively defending myself
2. When that didn’t work I’d find ways for the renter to be a bad person. (She did complain about the internet that one time…)
3. Feel queasy.
4. Hate other things in my life because now everything sucks.
5. Very quickly write her back to offer her self-mutilating apologies and offer her to stay for free.

BUT I DIDN'T DO THAT

Instead I worked the three-part system that we teach in Emotional Sovereignty School:
 

1. I recognized I was in Survival mode, so I put the phone down and used my favorite mix of tools to flush out the stress hormones and rejoin my body.
2. I told myself the story of what happened and found all the feelings embedded within. Then I used my favorite mix of tools to metabolize those feelings and pump up oxytocin.
3. I pulled out the lease, gathered the facts and got clear about what I wanted and needed.

Then, sturdy as a beautiful river boulder I wrote:
"You’re right, I made an assumption about your departure date. That’s my fault. I’d still like to offer you the extra two weeks if you’d like."

And she wrote: "Thanks!"

I even told her the cost and she Venmo’d forthwith.

Voilà!

The old unhelpful pattern still lives within me. But now I have something to replace it with.

The rewards of less mental chatter and angst?

Two weeks of rent money 💵
Hours (days?) of my time back ⌚️
Calm in my body 🕊️
Self-respect 💪
Peace of mind 😎

Is this a life-changing moment by itself? Maybe not. But I assure you that when you add up a string of these moments, like pearls on a necklace, IT IS A WHOLE NEW WORLD.

What rewards might you receive if you had a protocol for your anxious or stressful moments?

Would you:
Ask for that raise? 💵 💵 💵
Have time for that _________  (jigsaw puzzle, art project, side-business, exercise, fun)? ⌚️ ⌚️ ⌚️
Get to enjoy your hard-earned ________ (weekend, vacation, evening, meal, bath)? 🕊️ 🕊️ 🕊️
Have higher confidence and self-esteem? 💪 💪 💪
Room to _________ (think, write, muse, ponder, dream)? 😎 😎 😎

Let us help you reap the rewards of a relaxed nervous system.

You don't have to figure this out on your own. 

In fact we'd like to gift you a complimentary Feel Better Already Strategy session* to get you started on your new rewarding life!

* Open to anyone who has not received a Feel Better session already!
 

You're not too late. Brain-change can happen at any age.

Besides, can you afford to wait? 
Your rewarding life awaits!

Love,
Natalie (and Nathan)

Why Do I Have Anxiety?

Why do I have anxiety?

This is one of the most common questions we get asked!

Anxiety is normal and natural. You are not weird or abnormal if you experience anxiety. In fact, your nervous system has a very good reason for generating the experience of anxiety.

And... there is something you can do about it! We can rewire our systems to have less anxiety, more ease, and more joy.

Watch the video to understand:

- The two types of anxiety

- Where anxiety comes from

- What to do about it!

The good news: we can re-wire our brains to have less anxiety, and ease the symptoms of trauma in all forms.

The even better news: you don't have to figure it out on your own.

We have a whole school dedicated to just this!

Emotional Sovereignty School is for those that want to re-wire their nervous systems for greater wealth, health, and relationships.

We have developed a 3-part, simple to use system that anyone can do.

Ready for this step?

We're ready for you!

Love,

Natalie and Nathan

What They Don't Tell You About Grieving, Part 2

Blessings to you!

It's Nathan reaching out again with another strange but normal thing about grief that doesn’t get a lot of attention…

Our brain will actively fight the truth of our loss.

Some of this shows up in what many relate to as “the initial shock”.

Some of this shows up in what we’re taught to call “the denial stage”.

Some of this shows up in long lost memories that come flooding back.

Some of it shows up when we “still just can’t believe” they’re gone.

Some of it shows up as that relentless yearning for the return we “know” isn’t coming.

Some of it in those moments we’re somehow “reminded” of the loss and we gasp and weep anew.

When we are especially close with someone, and particularly when we have been close over a long period of time – our brain maps our relationship to them. It maps our proximity in space, in time, and in emotional closeness.

My heart-brother, Edward and me at Stone Mountain around 1991 and a great metaphor for where he was mapped in my brain at all times...)

When we are together at formative times, then how our brain maps this relationship also becomes linked to our own identity – how we see our own “me” becomes informed by this particular “we”. And like everything else (in our entire life) that the brain maps, our brain uses the map of this relationship to make predictions about how the relationship will perform.

And just as it does with the map of the distance from the bathroom to the bedroom, the brain uses the map of a relationship to make predictions for what we can expect in interacting with the relationship – moment to moment, day to day, and year to year. This is how we get from the bathroom to the bedroom (and most places we regularly visit) without thinking about it, without working that hard, usually without even noticing it – because our ability to make reliable maps and then predict our ways through them is that excellent.

In fact, we’re such good predictors that we usually only notice our predictions when we make errors.

We don’t perceive all the correct predictions that we’re making because they’re all just going so smoothly. Only when we bang into the doorjamb on the way out of the bathroom do we have any reason to tune into the “prediction error” that has just occurred. Often, unless we catch and correct it fast enough, and as in the case of the doorjamb, the prediction error comes with a shock, maybe some pain, and then a reorientation.

This is what’s happening in the grieving process. Over and over, until it finally learns the terrible, awful truth – the brain is making, experiencing, and correcting prediction errors. Catching ourselves realizing that our map of this relationship is out of date…

The truth – that the person we’ve been in relationship with is permanently gone from our experience – doesn’t match our map of the relationship. And interrupts our normal predictions of where they are in space, time, and closeness to us. It doesn’t add up. We sense a vast and immovable prediction error. We cannot correct it fast enough not to notice.

And in that searing chasm of interstitial space we meet our grieving.

It is part terra incognita, a land we have never seen, and where “there be monsters”.

It is part the painfully arduous work of learning life’s most terrible lesson.

It is part purgatory, where we wait for grace.

It is part a healing ritual waiting for a village to breathe it into blaze.

While our brain wrestles with the truth, we’re left in limbo. We feel the shock. We can’t believe they’re gone. We keep thinking it might be a mistake. We keep hoping we’ll wake up. We keep looking for them. We keep reaching for them. We keep expecting (before we catch our self) that they’ll respond, or write back, or reach out.

This isn’t because we’re crazy, not letting go, or in denial.

This is simply because the brain has been able to rely on the map of this relationship for however long we’ve been in relationship. Almost all of those times, it has been relatively correct about where our person was, how far away physically, and how close in our hearts. We have lived by this map. And now it’s just plain wrong.

And our brain keeps grabbing the map back from our hands to point at it and say, “No, they’re right here. I just know it!”.

And until our brain has a chance to update the map, we feel the terrible prediction error lingering uncorrectable in our understanding of this relationship, in our understanding of our self, and in our understanding of the maps of all our relationships.

When my brother passed suddenly, I didn’t have the “benefit” of knowing in advance. (So my brain struggled with “How could this be?”.)

When they found him, I didn’t get to be there. (So my brain argued with whether or not it was really him.)

When they took his body to the mortuary, I did’t get to see his body. (So my brain refused to confirm the body was no longer animated with his spirit.)

When they cremated him, I didn’t get to see his body go back into the Earth. (So my brain keeps a ray of hope that it’s all been some terrible mistake.)

When we celebrated his life, we didn’t have a village or traditions or rituals to guide us. (So my brain has had to find other ways to compensate for humanity’s ancient technology of integrating my bereavement.)

We have forgotten how to hold our grieving together. And as a result, many of us are having to remake our maps alone, in the dark, and with no tools. And so the internal battle in our brain is more painful, more difficult to manage, and more likely to leave us thinking we’re losing our mind along with our loved one.

I haven’t been a grief specialist. I’ve been an emotional processing and healing specialist. And for me it has been appalling and awful, but also fascinating to watch the tools I have support me in my grieving process.

And if my partner (Natalie, who has been so generously supportive) and I didn’t have the know-how that we do – I don’t even want to think about where I’d be with my loss…

If you are grieving, please be gentle with yourself. Please know that you are with so many others grieving too. Please see yourself with kindness and compassion as you (and your brain) work through this excruciating education. And please access facilitation in whatever ways are right for you – this is not the time to go it alone.

Also, here's a link to a podcast I was on last week if you want to hear me talk about grief some more:

Sending you big love. Keep going!

Be well,

Nathan (and Natalie) 💛

~

If I can be of any support to you at all, I'm here for it.

If you're grieving and you want help, I'd like to give you a Feel Better Already Strategy Session.

The Key to Everything You Want

Have you ever wondered, even though you work so hard and know so much, why you still can't seem to get what you want? Maybe it's...

- more financial abundance

- robust community

- deeper friendship

- meaningful partnership

- conflict prowess

- less anxiety

- better health

And even though you are a grown, powerful adult, with incredible skills, decades of education, and hard-earned skills, you just can't get there?

Likely you're missing the key ingredient - most people are!

This isn't taught in traditional school. It's not part of our common understanding (unfortunately!). But once you understand this key ingredient you are on your way to everything you want.

This video is 11 minutes long.

Grab a cup of tea and your favorite snuggle buddy.

Take in this info as a loving gift to yourself.

Love,

Natalie and Nathan

What They Don't Tell You About Grieving, Part 1

Hey friend,

I hope this finds you well. (Nathan coming to you directly, here.)

As you may already know, in addition to someone who's supporting folks with deep emotional processing and healing everyday, I'm also someone who is going through a season of grieving the loss of one of my closest people.

And while I wouldn't wish this experience on anyone (and it has invited in me even more empathy and compassion for those navigating it), my journey and research around it (because we all know I'm going to be researching until I am gone) has also been such an incredible and elucidating pedagogy. I am learning some of life's most terrible and essential lessons...

So, here’s one of the (many many) things they don’t tell you about grieving – the grief itself is just the tip of the iceberg.

I used to tell my clients, “Grief is long.” or “Grief is layered.” but I didn’t know the half of it…

In our culture, people allude to the messy, perpetual project of grieving with that timeworn and tidy 5-stage model: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. And when they want to be more emotionally evolved, they bookend those standards with “shock” and “processing the grief” in the more comprehensive 7-stage model.

But what both of these systems belie is the ways in which we cycle through, and eddy around in, and leap back and forth between these and really all manner of emotional states in the excruciating educational process of neuropsychologically coming to terms with the loss of a close loved one.

Grieving isn’t just going through the loss. It’s surviving the grueling and gruesome trial by fire of the brain learning life’s most appalling truth: my loved one is never coming back from this.

Depending on how close we are and how long our identity has been tied up with the person we’ve lost and are now grieving, our synaptic wiring, our memories, our concepts of self, our sense of belonging, our neurobiological sense of safety, even our fundamental understanding of being in the world and what we can predict therein must be *reordered*.

It’s like a concussion of intense experience the brain has to heal. A capital-T trauma – even from thousands of miles away, and even without seeing what happened or the actual passage of the person’s life.

Grief is a feeling. It comes and goes. It flits into and out of moments like breath.

Grieving, in contrast, is the longest labor. And as in childbearing, they don’t tell you about the afterbirth. *Unlike* bringing a life into the world, bringing a death into the world comes with a lifetime of secondary deaths.

Daily, weekly, seasonly, perennially, forever we bear the grieving without finish.

Too often, we and the world want us to rush onward from the contractions of this painful personal revolution. (Understandably, it’s a lot. And none of us have many tools or much help. And there isn’t any giving away or undoing of what’s been done.)

But there’s no fooling time. There’s no tricking the nature of us in birthing or in grieving.

We have to do the work. We have to breathe and cry and howl through the original loss, *and* all the tiny and terrible afterdeaths. We have to nurture our self through this perpetual labor, with all our tools, and our wits, and our communities.

That’s the only way through this awful learning.

💛

For me, the biggest feeling has been sorrow, not grief, per se. There’s also been surprise, shock, panic, indignation, apoplexy, rage, regret, mortification, guilt, sadness, woe, hurt, aversion, disgust, confusion, perplexion, bewilderment, gratitude, affinity, admiration, and love, to name a few…

I also noticed myself going through all the Survival states too: Fighting, Flying/distracting, Freezing up/playing dead, and Appeasing. I still can’t believe how many times and for how many days I had to endure some version of the thought, “Well, *maybe* it’s not true…?” flashing through my mind.

💛

If you’re grieving, I see you. I feel you. I know what it’s like to look around and not know that many people who get what’s happening through you.

I’m breathing with you. I’m holding space for all that I’m bearing in losing my brother, even amidst holding space for others like you and me.

This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

And I wouldn’t be able to do the work I do, or survive the reckoning and rewiring happening in my own brain right now, if I didn’t have the tools and support that I do. I don’t even want to try to imagine where I’d be without them...

If you want some help with the grieving process you're going through, I'd love to gift you a complimentary "Feel Better Already" strategy session with me. We'll spend 40-60 minutes – talking through what you've been experiencing and where you'd like to be with it, and then I’ll offer you some tools, strategies, and/or ideas that could help you have an easier time navigating your grieving. (This offer is for folks I'm not working with already. If we are working together already, let's talk about this in your next session!)

Keep breathing, keep going, keep learning.

Big love to you,

Nathan

💛

And, if I can be of any support to you at all, let me know. It’s what I do!

I am ready to gift you a Feel Better Already Strategy Session for you and your grief.

The Bullsh*t of Being Present (Part 2)

Hey again!

Remember how we called bullsh*t on the current cultural admonition to “just be present”?

Here’s why:

Because of how the brain works, and unless we’re staying in deep meditation with no other requirements for living 24 hours a day and 7 days a week – Zen-mode isn’t actually possible 100% of the time. The Law of Functional Priority doesn’t allow it.

In terms of neural function, the Law of Functional Priority just means that:

If, given the brain’s current read of our internal energy budget and other resources available to us, it assesses our environs as potentially threatening to our survival – regardless of facts or truths about what’s going on around us or inside us – the brain itself will prioritize being in a Survival state. (FIGHT, FLIGHT, FREEZE, APPEASE!)

When we’re in a Survival state, the Emotional System (governing how we feel about things) and the Executive System (governing how present we can get) both shut down.

This is mostly because if we’re in danger of being eaten, it doesn’t matter how we feel about it, and it matters even less what we think, imagine, or can appreciate about it.

What does this imply for regular humans?

If dirty dishes send you into a Survival state – you absolutely can't sit still and enjoy your baby.

If your nervous system is sounding alarm bells – there is no possible, neurochemical way you can relax.

If your body is receiving any cues (real or imagined) of danger – no amount of gratitude can beat the cascade of stress chemicals and bring you back to the present.

In our opinion, it’s actually unkind to pretend that presence and relaxation are available to someone, when they simply are not. We've built a whole school around this!

If you, or anyone you know, wants to join us and learn how to get out of Survival Mode and have a chance at being present – wonderful!

If not, then we encourage you to at least give yourself some compassion.

There is nothing wrong with you. Likely your nervous system learned to be on the lookout for danger (and it was right to learn that because you needed to stay safe) and now the Law of Functional Priority means that you can't be on the lookout for danger and also be relaxing in the present moment at the same time.

When you have experienced any amount of trauma, it takes a lot more than intention, good luck, and a bath to actually be present in your own life.

If you want to know how to work your brain so you can be more present – we’ve got you covered.

We're with you. Rooting for you.

Love,

Natalie and Nathan

The Bullsh*t of Being Present (Part 1)

Despite the edginess in our subject line, we hope this finds you in a moment of peace.

We get our hackles up when we hear admonishments about just "being present".

Phrases like:

"The dishes can wait, your baby is only a baby once."

or

"Relaaaax! You stress too much! Enjoy this moment!"

or

"Do 100 gratitudes every day, so that you can really be present with all the good in your life."

We call bullsh*t!

It's not fair to admonish someone for feeling worry, for struggling to relax, for committing the terrible sin of "not being present", while at the same time giving problematic advice as to how to actually get present!

Seriously, if meditation beat out panic.

And gratitudes beat out despair.

And some jerk telling you to relax brought relaxation...

We'd all be kicking it in fulltime zen mode! But that's just not how it works.

Normal brain function doesn’t even allow for that. 

For many of us, staying safe and/or processing the times we haven’t been safe take priority in our brain over finding our bliss, clearing our minds, or being fully present in any moment – especially a slow, quiet, Zen moment.

So if our brain doesn’t prioritize the Zen moments… does that mean we never get to be present or have a say in our current state?

Fortunately, NO! Not by a long shot. (And we’ll tell you more about what we mean by that in our next message – part 2 of “The bullsh*t of ‘just be present’”.

We're with you. Rooting for you. Giving you everything we’ve got, to help you have an easier time.

Love,

Natalie and Nathan

P.S. If you resonate with concepts like these and want to learn more, we encourage you to check out our Emotional Sovereignty School.

School Starts Aug 8th

Learn More

This week I graduated.

This week I graduated.

There were no balloons or air guns. Just tears.
 

Let me explain.

The thing about self-development is that you’re scoring massive wins in most areas of your life long before you score any wins in those crux, core relationships.

So this graduation is a soaring win.

Drum roll please. 🥁

I graduated from being in a Survival State with two important family members! I no longer smile and go along and appease my way uncomfortably (and UTTERLY DISSATISFYINGLY) through our interactions.

I don’t do that anymore. I don’t even have to think about it. I just don’t do it.

Gimme a high five! ✋

And…

I’m always honest, so let me also share that graduating from a Survival State in a classically triggering environment doesn’t mean I’m walking on water or flying or strutting. It means I’m crying! 😭

When you graduate kindergarten you go into first grade. And when you graduate from a Survival Brain State you go into an Emotional Brain State.

So now, in this particular family dynamic, I didn’t Fight, Flight, Freeze, or Appease…

I CRIED so hard.

And named feelings.

And yearned and asked to be held and understood.

And even though this week I received lots of cues that my audience was writhing with discomfort, and not able to completely meet me where I was,

I didn’t tidy myself.

I didn’t wrap it up.

I didn’t hurry it up.

I didn’t apologize for my upset.

I just kept crying.

And kept expressing.

Did I feel embarrassment? Yes I did.

Did I feel discomfort that I was weeping and not being easy? Uh huh.

Do I feel disorientation that I’m acting outside my pattern? Yeah, I do.

But that’s ok.
 

When we do something new we usually feel feelings.

What I want most in this particular relationship is to be met with curiosity and empathy. And that means having feelings out loud in front of these individuals. It’s horrifying and scary, and I think worth it.

For the first time ever, in this  particular core relationship, I have hope of finally, maybe, getting some of what I need.

So toot the horns! Cue the parade! Celebrate with me! 🥳

Thank you!

Love,
Natalie (and Nathan)
 

Do you yearn to graduate too?

Is there a key relationship in which you’ve been operating from Survival?

I got you.

I’m ready to gift you a complimentary Feel Better Already Strategy Session*

Let’s figure this out together, huh?!

8 Crucial Reasons to Love Boundaries

8 Crucial Reasons to Love Boundaries:

• Boundaries are conduits to connection!

• Boundaries matter because we matter!

• Boundaries lead to agreements!

• Boundaries are neurochemically beneficial!

• Boundaries help us get our needs met!

• Boundaries set the tone for how we want to be treated in a relationship!

• Boundaries make it easier to say “No” when necessary!

• Boundaries invite a sense of security!

That's a lot of exclamation points! Can you tell there's some excitement for us around this subject?

If you want the What, Where, When, Why, and most importantly, the HOW of boundaries, join us for this weekend intensive. 
 

Last chance to sign up is today, June 2nd at 10:59pm, Pacific.

Love,
Natalie and Nathan

Is Your Word Choice Getting in the Way of What You Want?

We hope you're having a yummy week!

Have you ever consciously thought about how some words invite people to connect with us, and other words invite people to move away from us, or even against us?

It seems obvious on one level. "I love you" certainly feels better than "I hate you".

But it becomes less obvious, and even downright confounding when we, for example, use the "wrong" words to talk about our feelings.

Even though we might not think of it this way – for most of us, feelings are something that we want to share. We have that drive in order to get connection and also to get some help addressing the issue around which the feelings are coming up. Yet, often, even if we head into a constructive conversation with the best intentions, things get heated and defensive and argumentative pretty quick.

This sort of exchange can have us wondering if it's even worth it to try and communicate. If it always goes poorly, then what's the point? 

But really, the truth is, we've all been done a great disservice.

Because emotional learning is not as highly valued as reading, writing, and math – even in our long educational tenure most of us were not taught how emotion works, or how to work with it. So we're left to glean our knowledge from Hollywood, social media, and our parents, where we are taught words for feelings that are not actually feelings. These words tend to cause trouble instead of building connection.

Here are some narrative words that masquerade as feelings but are not feelings words:

• Ignored, Neglected, Left Out

• Betrayed, Disrespected, Done Wrong

• Invisible, Unheard, Misunderstood

• Coerced, Manipulated, Controlled

• Blamed, Maligned, Made the bad guy

These words may absolutely describe valid experiences, but when we use them to engender empathy and cooperation we usually only get defensiveness, excuses, and/or confusion.

Here's a classic unsuccessful dialogue:

• Person 1: "I feel totally neglected when you do that."

• Person 2: "What? What are you even talking about? I don't neglect you. I spent all day with you today." (Gets further away.)

If we want to have a meaningful conversation, and have a chance at connection, we want to find the feelings embedded in the narrative words.

For example... when we have the experience of being ignored, we may feel sadness, anger, disappointment, loneliness, and/or other feelings.

When we have the experience of not receiving respect, we may feel resentment, confusion, exasperation, and/or other feelings.

Narrative words are more likely to activate the Survival System of the brain in the person we're sharing with – resulting in reactions like Fight, Flight, Freeze, or Appease.

Feelings words usually resonate in the Emotional System of the brain in the person we're sharing with – allowing for empathy, connection, and compassion.


A Dialogue that is More Likely to Succeed:

• Person 1: "When I have the experience of someone not answering me when I call their name, I feel a lot of sadness and loneliness."

• Person 2: "Oh darn. That makes sense. Did that just happen?" (Comes closer.)

What other narrative words can you think of, that often get employed as feelings? 

Would you like to play around with your word choice and see what happens? Let us know how it goes!

We do group coaching to workshop dialogues like this in our upcoming Better at Boundaries Masterclass. If that sounds like something you could use (empathy and guidance in how to ace boundaries dialogues with your people), we'd love for you to join us!

A quick tap on that lovely blue button below will take you to all the details.

We're cheering for you!

Love,
Natalie and Nathan

5 Common Boundary Mistakes

It's simple:

You want someone to do something, or...you want someone to stop doing something.

But then when you talk to them about it, it goes badly.

Shoot!

Discovering boundaries and communicating them to our people can be so tricky! In fact, it's so tricky that, when set out to claim a boundary, most of us trip over 5 common mistakes:

 #1: Your boundary is outside your control

Boundaries are a limit we hold as a form of self-love, not something we coerce others to do.

YES: "I don't answer the phone after midnight."

NO: "You can't call me after midnight."

#2: Your boundary is too vague

Boundaries work best when we know who we are, what we like, and how to specifically honor that.

YES: "I like to schedule just one thing per day so that I get all the downtime I need."

NO: "You're always running me ragged. You have to respect my time."

#3: Your boundary is overzealous

Often, after years of repressing our own needs we can come on too strong in expressing them.

YES: "You may not know this, but I have a boundary around being tickled."

NO: "GET OFF ME! I NEVER WANT YOU NEAR ME AGAIN!"

#4: Your boundary is accusatory

When we claim a boundary while inadvertently accusing the other person, they get defensive instead of cooperative.

YES: "I have a health boundary around smoke, can we team up to designate smoking and non-smoking areas?"

NO: "Are you trying to kill me with this smoke? I need to be able to breathe!"

#5: Your boundary requires mind-reading

Sometimes fear prevents us from claiming a boundary, so we just hope somebody reads our mind instead.

YES: "6am is too early for me because I try to really honor my boundaries around enough sleep. Does 9am work?"

NO: "6am it is. Who needs sleep anyway, right?"

There are many more common boundary mistakes! And each one lands us deeper in the hole we're so desperate to get out of. Fortunately, the boundaries "recipe" we teach in our Better at Boundaries Masterclass will help you avoid these pitfalls and help you get what you want - whatever that may be. 

Love,

Natalie and Nathan