Where's The Flip Flop?

Hello again from sometimes sunny again Southwestern Montana!

What's your week looking like?

This week is Spring Break for us and we're going on a trip.

Which, of course, means feelings. 

1. Our youngest is in her second-to-last year of high school. Next year she's likely going to want to spend her Spring Break with her friends and not with her parents. (They likely will pitch some kind of road trip that involves a sketchy car and some barely-thawed-to-suddenly-blizzarding mountain passes.) So this may be our last chance for the classic American Spring Break as a family.
Feelings coming up around this: nostalgia, sadness, worry, grief

2. Our trip involves: a 6am flight, two planes, currency exchange, taxi rides, a water ferry, and a long walk carrying backpacks – up.
Feelings: uncertainty, anxiety, excitement, dread, caution

3. Before we're even on the plane there is a full work week and several, dangling, important projects to complete. A daily workout would also be nice, as well as sit down dinners and some chill time. But a Costco trip is essential. A meeting with our house sitter needs to be squeezed in, too. And there's also all the stuff I'm leaving out and forgetting right now...
Feelings: overwhelm, exasperation, agitation, dread, exhaustion

4. You should also know, dear reader, that our floor needs a sweep and a vacuum. Returning from vacation to a cluttered, and actually dirty house, is a real buzzkill. So that's a thing. Is there space and time for cleaning before we go? Doesn't seem like it.
Feelings: bleh, disappointment, stress, dislike

5. Flip flops. Or water shoes, or sandals. You know what's going to happen, right? We'll make a herculean effort to complete a superhuman list of tasks and then, with hours to go before departure, somebody is going to say they don't have the other flip flop, or _________ (insert inconvenient item here).
Feelings: irritation, stress, pre-anxiety

6. An email just came in from our host. We can expect fresh fruit, fresh ceviche, warm weather, a view of the ocean, aaannnd two bonus cats that come with the airbnb.
Feelings: pleasure, gratitude, excitement

7. Our friends got a neighboring airbnb. We've known them over 20 years...They're looking forward to making palm frond hats. We'll eat food and sit on the beach together.
Feelings: delight, affection, enthusiasm, wonder

8. We've never taken a vacation like this. 
Feelings: Awe, gratitude, amazement

9. People don't have homes, others are being bombed... Some people have lost all their children. For many others the idea of a break, or a trip, or a chance to relax is not available to them.
Feelings: shame, guilt, distraction, self-consciousness
 

That's the thing about feelings. They are here. No matter what.

Isn't it astounding that such a wide range can simultaneously occur in any given moment??

What about you, friend?
 

What are the bullet points of your week? And what feelings do you notice?

(It's such a tender and potent service to ourselves to be still and present with what's true for us right now, and to make the opportunity to listen to our current narratives and name the emotions we feel coming up around them...)


Much love to you – as always,

Natalie and Nathan

Say It

We're sending you some peaceful vibes today.
Do you need some of those?

Seems like a lot of us do, right now...

That's why we have a Hot Tip for those times when we find ourselves having very not-peaceful feelings.

As many of you may have heard us mention before, here at the Center for Emotional Education we focus on three main networks in the brain:

• The Survival System – in charge of keeping us alive

• The Emotional System – in charge of our emotional experience

• The Executive System – in charge of executing a full and authentic life

We focus on these because when we have the right tools for the right brain state, then we can be in charge of:

• Our sense of safety

• How we feel

• What we do with our magnificent potential

We teach entire programs about this topic! So if you're interested in the ability to regularly move efficiently out of a Survival Mode, gently through Emotional Mode, and get back to the business of being your awesome YOU in Executive Mode, then you might want to put our summer program, Emotional Sovereignty School, on your wish list, and build that expert fluency!
 

But we like to regularly share a Hot Tip that can help even before we're fluent in neuroemotional maintenance.

Today's Hot Tip is.... Say It

To help ourselves move out of Survival Mode, it helps to tend to the needs of the body. However, many of us do some breathing, take a bath, drink some tea, and we feel better, but we don't feel better enough.

That's because when we exit Survival Mode, we enter Emotional Mode.

The Emotional System speaks a different language entirely. Because the Emotional System generates and experiences emotion, if we want to feel better, we need to move that emotion through – to metabolize the emotion in our system – digest it, process it, and empty it out of us.
 

The quickest and simplest way to increase our Emotional Capacity and feel better is to say your feelings out loud.

As soon as you notice you're feeling something find a way to SAY IT:

• Print out our feelings list and start circling your current feelings while you name them aloud.

• Grab your journal, or a scrap of paper, and start free-writing. When you're done, circle the feelings and say them out loud.

• Record a voice message, naming everything you're feeling in this moment, then listen to it!

Want to feel even better?
Find a way to say it to someone else.

• Send your voice message to a trusted ally.

• Call a friend and ask if they have time to hear your list of woes.

The Emotional System is designed for connection. When we are heard and understood by another human being, our ability to be with and process feelings increases exponentially. When the other person doesn't try to talk us out of our feelings, and instead they show curiosity and empathy, there is palpable, almost immediate relief from our emotional discomfort.
 

Don't have someone you trust? You can call us.

We (Natalie and Nathan), are the founders of the Center for Emotional Education. We create and facilitate our trainings, but we also maintain a 1:1 practice and have clients we adore, all over the world.

Kate and Nina were the inspiration for both our Coach Training and our Certification program. These two started as avid clients looking to support themselves and their children, but they were so intrigued, so enthusiastic, and so ready to take this work further, that they inspired us to develop programs to train others. Kate and Nina are incredible people, and stellar coaches. They now work with the Center, expertly coaching their own beloved clients. 

Goose, Lauren, and Sue are our newest coaches! These three are some of the hardest working folks we know. We don't contract with every coach that graduates from our Certification program. Some people fill up with the knowledge and expertise and go their own merry way, others aren't necessarily a match with our mission, but we knew right away that we wanted to work with Goose, Lauren, and Sue. They are diligent scholars, with incredible compassion, and they are a perfect match for our community.

Feelings are happening for all of us.
 

The world is not okay right now.
It's normal to not feel okay about it.

 We all need opportunities to let out emotion.

Try out the Hot Tip: Say it!, and let us know if you can feel the difference in your system.

And if you'd like to "Say It" to someone else, we'd like to offer you a complimentary Feel Better Already Strategy Session*.

Pick the coach that you gravitate toward, click their photo, and sign up for your personal session. You'll have the opportunity to vent and be heard and witnessed. You'll also have a chance to see what else is possible for you.


We're here for you!


Much love,
Natalie and Nathan

*New clients only please. 

Am I Fickle?

How you doin' over there in your world?  

Over here, we're feeling some relief that March has begun. February was not a vibe. Do you agree?

But today we saw a robin together, and felt some sunshine. That makes a world of difference! 

And... in this more playful mood, we're wondering...
 

Have you ever thought of yourself as fickle?

Here's a scenario. (Try it on for yourself and then circle back to the fickle question.)
 

You're folding some washcloths and your partner comes along and playfully slaps you on the bum!

Do you react the same way every time? 
Often we think so, until we start looking at specific examples...
 

Many of us can swing dramatically in our reactions to situations like this.
Here's why:

Our nervous system acts as an interpreter between the brain and the body. It constantly takes in information, translates it, and passes it onward from one source to the other. It's ability to do all it's daily translations is affected by the following factors:

• How nourished or undernourished we are

• How hydrated or dehydrated we are

• What our energy level is like

• How much Emotional Capacity we have

• How much Emotional Resilience is on board

These factors also invite us into one of three brain states:

• Survival

• Emotional

• Executive

 
A second set of factors also affect how our nervous system translates information going back and forth between the brain and body:

• The concepts we have in place about this particular thing (in this case, a specific kind of physical contact on specific body part in a specific context).

• The variety and nature of historical involvement we have with this category of experience.

• The stories we tell about our self on this topic.

Guess how much time passes between the slap and all this nervous system factoring?
 

Less than a second!
In fact, most of the time, the nervous system is prepared by the brain ahead of time based on the current state of the factors above.
 

And then, just as rapidly, before we react another operation takes place.

Depending on the Brain State in which we find ourselves, some of our concepts, history, and stories will rush to the forefront, and others will recede from view.

• Our Survival System will likely call forth the concepts, history, and stories that show a playful slap to the bum as anything but playful and generally frame it as BAD.
   

• Our Emotional System will likely call forth the concepts, history, and stories that show the same playful slap as EMOTIONALLY COMPLICATED.
   

• Our Executive System will likely call forth the concepts, history, and stories that show that playful slap as playful indeed and whether we're down or not, still generally frame it as POSITIVE.

Add all this up in a split second and what you get is a reaction!

Here's an example:

Each person's concepts, history, and stories will vary, but the biased selection process the Brain State makes is reliable.
 

All of this happens in an instant!

To recap:
• How rested, fueled, capacious, or resilient we are in any given moment invites us to process from a particular Brain State.
• From there we gain access to certain concepts, certain pieces of our history, and certain stories.
• And then we have a correlative reaction.

All of which means that one moment we may HATE a playful slap, and in another moment we might DELIGHT in a playful slap. (If you aren't into playful slaps to the bum in any Brain State, feel free to switch that example out for one that is more appropriate to you.)
 

So, what's the verdict? Are you fickle?

Or are you just a human shifting from one neuroemotional experience to another?

Let us know what you think!


Love,
Natalie and Nathan

We get into this, and SO MUCH MORE, in this weekend's Snuggle Class!

It's not too late to join!

Is It Good Business To Be Yourself?

We hope this finds you well and in a moment of ease.

Mind if we ask you a pretty personal question...?
(If you do, you might want to skip down a bit...)

How often are you being yourself? 
Have you ever wondered what the risks and benefits are for doing so?
(Asking for a friend. Haha)


Last week, our town hosted the Big Sky International Documentary Film Festival. It's amazing. We have participated in one way or another every year for over a decade. 
 

This year we decided to be major grown ups and sponsor the event itself!

- We made a pretty ad for the program that was also blown up on the big screen.
- We got official sponsor passes and vip access to all the events and parties.
- And being the majorly grown up business owners that we are, and following conventional "business wisdom", we went to as many of the events as we could to "network" with like-minded community.

We used all of the tools we teach to show up fully grounded, regulated, and energetically attractive. Again, conventional "business wisdom" would have us shaking hands with 50-100 people in a night, sharing about the amazing work we do, and giving them all an easy way to follow up.
 

But... we didn't follow conventional "business wisdom".

Because, as it turns out, we can only ever be ourselves. 

In fact we are so much ourselves and not in alignment with most conventional "business wisdom" that:

• We didn't take even a single photo.

• We shook around 15 hands – tops.

• We had deep, long, meaningful conversations with a few people, instead of networking.

When asked what we do, we'd say:

We are founders of the Center for Emotional Education. And for the last 17 years now, we've been helping successful people around the world to re-wire their brains to be better at feelings, so they can move from emotional overwhelm to Emotional Sovereignty, and finally have the lives they really want.

And then they'd tell us their story.

When asked what we would recommend for them, we shared an offering from our menu that made sense for their particular circumstances.

Dear EQ,  What do I do? - for a monthly low-investment way to begin re-wiring how their brain relates to feelings.

The Wade-In - for a taste of personalized one-to-one coaching toward re-wiring some particular aspect of their current programming.

The Snuggle Class - for learning concepts and tools to re-wire the nervous system for intimacy.

NeuroEmotional Coach Training - for learning how to support your own clients to re-wire, while re-wiring to better care for yourself. 

Emotional Sovereignty School - for re-wiring to be better at nurturing and healing oneself!

The Real-Life Magic Retreat - for a deluxe, pampered form of collaborative re-wiring that ripples outward into all parts of life, well after the retreat is over (No link yet for this, we're still deciding between St Croix or Costa Rica!)

After these events we'd look at each other and high-five because we were:

• 100% ourselves

• 100% authentic

• 100% regulated

• 100% in connection with the people we met

But we also wondered:

Did we just "do good business"?
Or, as conventional wisdom would tell us, did we just do no business?

 

What do you think?
 

Are you able to be yourself when you want to?

What beliefs, or "conventional wisdom" get in the way of your regulation and authenticity?

Is there ever a good reason to go along with conventional rules of behavior?


We'd love to know what you think!


Much love,
Natalie and Nathan

New Idea for a New Opportunity!

We hope you're sitting in a ray of sunshine at the moment!

This is just a quick note to let you know about a new (and maybe once only) idea we have for people who could not attend NeuroEmotional Coach Training this year. 

We're already in Unit Four of this life-changing course, but we keep hearing from folks that were so ready for this training and, for whatever reason, could not make it work to attend live.

So in the spirit of making NeuroEmotional skills available to as many people as possible, and for the first time ever...
 

we are offering a self-paced home version!

You will get access to the recordings of each class, as we roll them out, and all the support materials (handouts, quick guides, templates, etc) as well. And get a 38% discount on tuition for the course

You can:

• study after the baby goes to bed!

• binge 4 units in a row!

• pause the class and come back after lunch!
   

As in all our offerings, you have access to the course content to review as much as you like – for life.

And if you want to continue on after this training, and get certified with us, the home version will count toward Certification.

Does this sound like something you want?

If so, schedule a quick chat with one of us, we'll answer any questions you may have, and get you set up!

We're offering this new idea at a 38% discount off the normal tuition for the live version of NeuroEmotional Coach Training. And because this is just in service of those who were unable to join us live this year, this offer expires March 1st.

If this is the just right thing for you – fantastic! You can set up a time for us, using the button below, and we'll get you on board.

And in any case, we're cheering you on!


Love,
Natalie and Nathan

Is Your Relationship Healthy? It's Time To Crunch the Numbers

We hope this letter finds you in a cozy moment.

Do you like February, in general?
How's 2024 so far?

We're heading toward Valentine's Day – which is one of those holidays that tends to invite very mixed feelings.

Some people love a day in which to shower their partner with words of affirmation and flowers, while others find a day in which we are forced to buy something generic for our partner absolutely disingenuous.
Some people look forward to this day as a time to celebrate their relationship, and still others cringe at this time of year, not wanting to face the fact that their relationship has drifted off course.

Here at the Center, we like to make room for alllllll the feelings. Taking stock and wading into emotional terrain, with support, is how we build our Emotional Intelligence, shift our neurochemistry, and enjoy a life we have exquisitely designed. 

So in the name of taking stock, and wading into emotional terrain, we proudly introduce our new...

This is a free downloadable worksheet in which you can score your relationship based on 6 main elements: Communication, Conflict, Collaboration, Connection, Touch, and Balance.

Along with your calculator you will also receive 5 letters from us that help you continue to explore and support your relationship.


Let us know how it goes!

What feelings come up when you read back through your answers?

What element stands out as being particularly robust in your relationship?

What element would you like to support further?

We're cheering you on!


Love,
Natalie and Nathan

You May be New to the Center for Emotional Education

Here's what's coming up next:
___________________________________________________

The Snuggle Class
Bringing NeuroEmotional Tools to the Bedroom
___________________________________________________

Dear EQ, What Do I Do?
Emotionally Intelligent Ideas for Life's Challenges
Monthly Support
___________________________________________________

Complimentary "Feel Better Already" Strategy Session
 

What Works On A Plane, Works In The Bedroom

Blessings to you!

How has this past week been?

This week both of us, on two separate trips, got stuck in two separate airplane travel nightmares. Complete with perpetually delaying flights, canceled flights, late-night ride service cruises to random hotels, and even a carpool with complete strangers through the Montana wilderness. One of our planes even made it to the literal airspace over our town, circled for nearly an hour, and then turned around and went aaaallllllll the way back to the departure airport!

You can imagine the uproar on that plane... 

You could see Survival reactivity ripple through the rows up and down the aisle:
• The passengers that lean toward Survival Fight during moments of stress were actually yelling aloud at the pilot (and then the flight attendants, and then fellow passengers!).
• Those that tend toward Survival Flight were instantly booking rental cars, immediately ready to drive 9 hours instead of waiting to find out anything more.
• Passengers that lean toward Survival Freeze truly pulled up their hoodies and went back to sleep.
• People that lean toward Survival Appease were harder to identify, but later after deplaning, one passenger ordered a sandwich by saying: "If it's not too much trouble, do you think I could possibly get a Turkey Club?" 

 

And that, folks playing along at home,
is a Survival Reactivity Bingo!

 

Here at the Center, we typically run longterm comprehensive trainings to help successful people all over the world rewire their brains to be better at feelings, so that they can move from emotional overwhelm to Emotional Sovereignty, and finally have the life of their dreams. But occasionally, we run short intensives applying the same rewiring tools to specific areas. These are stellar for trying out the techniques we teach without committing to a larger investment of time. 

Based on the airplane story, you'd think the class coming up would be about managing Survival reactivity during travel! Maybe we'll run one for that soon, but this next one, is about managing Survival reactivity during intimacy.

 

Because unfortunately for many of us
physical intimacy can sometimes feel as stressful as travel fiascos.

Many of us have had negative early experiences having to do with our bodies, our vulnerability, and our safety. So even though we would prefer it didn't, when intimacy is on the horizon, our nervous system may run its threat response protocol.

We go into Survival Fight:
• grimacing at the thought of intimacy
• tensing up at the slightest touch
• finding fault in our partners interests and moves

We go into Survival Flight:
• avoiding intimacy by staying busy or staying away
• thinking of other things during intimacy
• getting inebriated in order to semi-enjoy intimacy (or too inebriated to be present)

We go into Survival Freeze:
• becoming so incapacitated via sleepiness, drugs, alcohol, or depression that intimacy isn't possible
• letting physicality happen against our interests
• leaving our bodies so that we can endure intimacy

We go into Survival Appease: 
• being physical just to please our partners or stay safer with them
• participating in forms of intimacy that are wrong for us because we understand it to be right for them
• never knowing what our own interests are because our interests are secondary


During our recent travel troubles we were pulling out all the tools we have, and that we teach in our classes, so that we didn't spin out into Survival reactivity. We wanted to think clearly, stay in connection with ourselves and others, and we wanted to have a good time.

 

And lucky for us all,
this same toolset can be used whether we're in the airport or the bedroom.

• If you love the idea of applying the trusty tools you've already gathered with us to new and exciting areas, the Snuggle Class might be super fun and useful for you!
   

• If you don't have any tools yet or haven't had a chance to take a live course with us, the Snuggle Class could be the ideal low-investment place to start!
   

• And if you just love reading these letters and enjoy identifying Survival reactivity in all the places it pops up, feel free to write us back! We love every note and every laughing emoji.

In any case and always, we wish you safe, sweet, and easy travels! And we're already looking forward to whenever and however we get to see you down the road.

Love,
Natalie and Nathan

March 9th and 10th

$350

We Won't Say These Words To You

How's Monday treating you? 

A funny thing happened when I (Natalie) sat down to write this letter...

The close of our enrollment for NeuroEmotional Coach Training was on my mind, and I had recently seen an email with a cool countdown timer. I love a little creative challenge, so I thought: "Hey, I wonder if I could make one of those?"

It turns out I can! It was right at the top of this very letter, looking beautiful.
 

Then I noticed something:
I was starting to semi panic.

The seconds ticking down in that timer started to work on my neurochemistry. My heart was speeding up, my fingers were rushing and making clumsy mistakes. It sucked!

Pretty quickly I realized the cosmic joke that was happening. The people most interested in supporting others to have less stress, less anxiety, less overwhelm, were about to send a letter to our beloveds that did the absolute opposite!

Most businesses capitalize on our stress hormones. If they can induce some adrenaline and cortisol with headlines like "Last Chance!", "Hurry!" and "Don't miss out!" they can get us to make a rushed decision and buy something whether or not it's right for us.

Realizing I was just about to head down the same track, I brought my computer to Nathan. We took a moment to ooh and awe over the beautiful timer I had made, and then we laughed about how absurd it would be to use induced stress to enroll people in a program meant to teach us how to reduce stress (and discomfort of all types). 
 

We never want anyone to stress out about enrolling in something to reduce stress! Haha!

In fact life does a really good job of inserting stress into our experience. We don't need to add more. Instead we need the tools to manage our feelings and reactions to the stress already available.

Let's check in with ourselves real quick...

There's a chance that even reading words like "Hurry!" kicks off a stress response. Are you experiencing that? If so, let's do a little regulating together. And really, even if you're feeling fine, increased regulation helps us to feel mighty fine.
 

Ready?

Take a moment to tune into yourself.

• Are you breathing?
  Enjoy the sound for a second. Feel the air go in. Then feel the air go out.

• Now let's turn our attention to the surface of the body.
  Is there anything your body is touching?
  Notice the points of contact you can feel with your clothes, your seat, your fingers on whatever device you're using to read this.

• Gently, let's now turn toward auditory sensations.
  Are there any sounds entering your awareness?
  How many can you identify?
  How far away are they?
  Do you like them?

• Coming full circle, let's check back in with the breath. 
  Still remembering to do that fully?
  What's it like now?

Following your own lead, we invite you to continue listening to your body. What is it asking for now? What does it need?
.
.
.
.
.
When you're ready, if you're interested in our work, you may want to read about NeuroEmotional Coach Training. We encourage you to listen carefully for your interest in this offering. We urge you to make room for any feelings that come up around your interest. Give them all the room they need – give them a voice, lend them an ear.

If you come into alignment, you have plenty of time to take action. We'll save you a spot in in this year's cohort, or next year's, or the one after that... We're not going anywhere.

If you've landed fully in your body, you've made room for all the feelings, and you're ready to enroll now, we're gathering on Wednesday. And we can easily support you to get what you need to be there too.
 

And if nothing else...

Let's all remember that rushing: whether it's literal fast movement or urgent language, inspires some Survival reactivity. So let's normalize soothing ourselves in these moments. We deserve it.

Much love,

Natalie (and Nathan)

Wealth Enemy #1

G'Day! How are you doing?

We hope this letter finds you in a moment of ease. Are you ready for a funny/not-so-funny story?

Once upon a time...

Someone we know came home from the grocery store and set about unpacking the various items from their bags. The next morning she entered the kitchen and gasped!

All of the fish in their beautiful, large saltwater tank, were dead.

Why?

Well...

She had accidentally stowed the orange juice concentrate in the cupboard above the tank, instead of in the freezer. And the juice that dripped down changed the acidity of the tank, and killed the very expensive inhabitants of that tank.

Why (on Earth??) would someone stow frozen orange juice in a cupboard?

Because when humans process from a Survival State we do really stupid things that cost us lots of time, money, and heartbreak.

When we're in a Survival State we leave our awareness, we leave our bodies, we leave our "right minds". In Survival Mode it's easy, natural, normal!, to make costly mistakes, like:

• Routinely losing the expensive fob that has to be replaced at the car dealership for $800.

• Buying an $1800 non-returnable couch that doesn't fit the living room.

• Smashing the computer or phone or whatever other fragile and expensive object is nearby.

• Misplacing things and buying a new one just to then find the old one after the new one can no longer be returned.

• Bailing out on a lease and losing the deposit(s).

• Signing up for things we don't/never were going to use.

• Moving too slowly to grab our just right opportunities.

• Moving too quickly to read the fine (and costly) print.

You get the idea.

If we want to save ourselves precious time and money, and our tender hearts – we want to know how to move through the brain states that can cause us trouble.

The Survival Brain State gets a bad rap – and most of the time, rightly so! But the Emotional Brain State is no financial genius either. When we don’t have the tools to move through emotion, we get stuck in a loop.

• We think about asking for a raise but get stopped by our anxiety or overwhelm or shame, and another year goes by where we are underpaid and overstressed around finances.

• We yearn to launch our business but there is always one draining emotional emergency after another and we can’t think straight enough to even make a to-list let alone execute one.

From an Emotional Brain State, even small things like wanting to compare phone and data plans and get a better deal never actually happen because we’re stuck circling around with emotions like dread, anxiety, fatigue and the day to take action just gets put off again and again and again.

Learning the tools to work with these brain states will save us tens of thousands of dollars in a lifetime!

Right now we're gearing up for our once-yearly, world-renowned program called NeuroEmotional Coach Training – and one of the curiosities folks have is, how can I justify that kind of investment in emotional stuff?

And it's just not fair to say to them: Think of all the saltwater aquariums you will save!

NeuroEmotional Coach Training teaches us how to help ourselves and others to move fluidly between brain states, so that we spend more time in an Executive State – which is hella good at money.

When we're processing from this brain state we not only are able to save the money wasted by stupid Survival Brain mistakes and delayed by Emotional Brain stagnancy, we're able to dream up and follow through on all our smart money ideas, and actually earn more.

This is true of all neuroemotional work, by the way, not just NeuroEmotional Coach Training, so that's cool!

Just by reading these posts and applying the tools you have, you're already helping to set yourself up with financially beneficial brain functionality. Woohoo!

And...

But...

If you're interested in this sort of thing, NeuroEmotional Coach Training additionally teaches the skills that can be used to earn a living, to earn additional part-time money, or to earn a higher rate for the services you already offer. Really cool.

If you're wondering if this is the year you join us, and increase both your emotional health and your financial health, but want help crunching the numbers, designing a payment plan that works, or finding the scholarship form, just respond to this email and we'll get you sorted!

In any case, let's all high five! Every time we practice what we've learned about these brain states, we are that much less likely to lock our keys in the car.

So, cheers to not losing keys!

Cheers to not killing fish!

Cheers to all the other heartbreaks we've avoided through our devotion and diligence to this work!

Every investment you make in your emotional health more than pays for itself.

Much love and respect,

Natalie and Nathan

You May be New to the Center for Emotional Education

Here's what's coming up next:
___________________________________________________

Dear EQ, What Do I Do?
Emotionally Intelligent Ideas for Life's Challenges
Monthly Support
___________________________________________________

Complimentary "Feel Better Already" Strategy Session
___________________________________________________
 

NeuroEmotional Coach Training
5-Month Training Program

Hot Tip: The One Resolution to Rule Them All

And a _________ New Year to you! (If it's not a Happy New Year at the moment, please feel free to insert the emotion that's right for you!)

It's that time of year when, here at the Center, we tend to feel some pretty high levels of frustration around New Year's resolutions. There is so much encouragement, pressure, and advice! And none of it takes brain science into account!

The idea is that we're meant to select a number of things that we will do this year. We're supposed to write them down, declare them in public, and then ("come hell or high water") force ourselves to do them. It doesn't take long for anxiety and resentment to build around these things and it becomes a terrible game of Should and Shame.

We're not into it!

Besides...
Instead of making a list of vague goals and then trying to remember these throughout the year, we think it's far more efficient, much more likely to avoid the inevitable Should and Shame game, and in the flow of neurochemistry to instead commit to the one Resolution that Rules Them All.

No, this is not a Lord of the Rings Cosplay... This is our Hot Tip for New Year's resolutions!

Hot Tip: Ditch that list of shoulds and resolve to get back to an Executive Brain state as often as possible.

Here's why. When we are regularly processing from an Executive Brain state, we are regularly making choices that align with our best vision of ourselves and the world we care about. This means we don't have to remember and commit to all the sub-tasks. If we do the one task – regularly supporting ourselves to move out of a Survival state, through the Emotional state, and into the Executive state – then we're totally covered!

Don't believe us?

Here are the most common New Year's resolutions:
Quit smoking
Lose weight
Eat healthier
Exercise more
Spend time with family
Drink less
Get Organized
Reduce stress
Travel more
Get more sleep
Learn a new skill
Learn something new
Read more
Reduce spending on living expenses
Save money
Cut your alcohol consumption
Floss consistently
Get in shape
Managing finances better


Let's take a closer look at the top 5:

1. Quit smoking – Smoking is often an attempt to meet the needs for de-stressing, and offers a neurochemical hit.
Guess what?
The tools that move us out of Survival are de-stressors. The tools for moving through an Emotional state give us big, healthy neurochemical hits. And the faculties of the Executive Brain help us make plans for longterm habit change.

2. Lose Weight – We often overeat or gravitate toward sugar to manage feelings.
Guess what?
The tools for moving through an Emotional state process and digest feelings! And the faculties of the Executive Brain help us get organized, make conscious choices, set up routines for daily movement, and follow through.

3. Eat healthier – When we operate from a Survival state, the body craves fast calories like processed foods and sugar – an instant burst of energy that would help us fight off a predator, but isn't enduring enough to support us beyond the micro-moment.
Guess what?
Processing from the Executive state means that we can look further ahead, make plans, and do tasks before we are hungry – like meal planning, vegetable chopping, or grain soaking.

4. Exercise more – Routinely operating from Survival Mode is extremely taxing on the body. Our actions are driven by adrenaline and cortisol, giving us that fried sensation instead of that "a run along the river sounds nice!" sensation. And even though exercise would be great for us, when we're stuck in Fight, Flight, Freeze, or Appease (doing for others instead), we're not likely to prioritize exercise.
Guess what?
Exercise becomes appealing and easy to navigate when we're processing from an Executive state.

5. Spend time with family – Family is the most likely group of people to invite our uncomfortable feelings. We get easily activated when spending time together and then we fight with them, run from them, freeze and hope they leave us alone, or appease them so much that we end up resenting them.
Yeah, you guessed it!
If we know how to soothe ourselves through these Survival reactions that arise, and if we know how to work with the feelings that surround family, we get to interact with them in ways that feel good. And when something feels good, we're far more likely to do more of that thing.



We don't want to wear you out by going through the whole list, but are you starting to get the idea?

Whatever we want to start doing, or stop doing, knowing how to move ourself through the brain states is how we get there. No more white-knuckiling! No more shame-laden "inspiration"! Just identifying brain states and using the tools to get back to Executive.

We have a whole training about this! Starting January 24th, we will spend the next 5 months teaching folks how to work with their own brain states, and how to help others (clients, partners, children, customers, co-workers, parents, in-laws, friends) do the same.


If you're into it, here's where to learn more and sign up!

If you spotted a resolution on the list above, and you are yearning to know how neuro-emotional maintenance can achieve that goal, let's get on the phone and hash it out. You can set that up here.


We believe in you! We know you are meant to do great things in your life and for others.


Much love,

Natalie and Nathan

You May be New to the Center for Emotional Education

Here's what's coming up next:
___________________________________________________

Dear EQ, What Do I Do?
Emotionally Intelligent Ideas for Life's Challenges
Monthly Support
___________________________________________________

Complimentary "Feel Better Already" Strategy Session
___________________________________________________

NeuroEmotional Coach Training
5-Month Training Program

#1 Confidence Booster for 2024

Blessings to you and Happy New Year! We hope this finds you well and enjoying the annual transition. 

We can't mention any names, but one of our more globally influential clients told Nathan in their last session before the holidays that: 2024 is not the year for planning or dreaming. It's the year for implementation and executive-brain action.

We've already flipped the page on our calendar, but our thoughts still linger over the days of Yule, and over one story in particular that we think may inspire some potent action for the coming year.

One evening I, (Natalie) headed down the street to a neighborhood party. You can picture these Montana folks in their seasonal sweaters, the pile of their puffy coats in the side room, the apple cider on the stove. There was also a dog and a baby. (Cue the Natalie delight!)

At one point the mom of this cute, red-cheeked baby was wondering where her husband was, because her arm was hurting and she wanted to pass him the baby. I looked around for the husband, but I also let her know that other people could hold the baby too (Me! Me!).

She said:
"Oh, I wish! I'd love to pass him to you, but he's been so clingy! He won't even let my mother-in-law hold him."

I said:
"I'll just reach for him with confidence."

That's what I said to her, but what I will say to you, dear reader, is that I really meant that I would reach for him from a place of deep regulation.

Reaching for a baby from Survival Mode never works. Babies (and dogs, and humans, and every living thing), can sniff out dysregulation from miles away. Even if I had a sweet smile on my face, if I was in Survival Mode, my Social Engagement System and heartbeat would telegraph it, my arm pits would be sweaty, and stress hormones would be wafting from me like noxious perfume.

And reaching for a baby from an activated Emotional Brain state usual fails as well. I'm sure you've seen this tactic from others. They sort of put on a pouty face, and an air of "Oh, don't turn me down. I'll be so very sad if you don't let me hold you."  And babies (and dogs, and humans, and every living thing), find themselves torn between barfing and appeasing. Yuck.

I've been practicing working with my neurochemistry for several years now. At this point, I can fairly quickly shift out of Survival, through Emotional, and into an Executive State, where I have the confidence to easily mingle at a party, or soothe a baby, or whatever other challenges may arise.

On this night I had already tended to myself quite well as part of my pre-game for the party. I wasn't thirsty, overly hungry, or too hot or too cold. I had tanked up that day with connective and meaningful work, exercise, and feelings processing as well as snuggles with my partner.

So when I said: "I will reach for him with confidence.", in that instant I was also able to do a lightning fast version of deeper regulation. I got my body and breath instantly, supremely present, which also means instantly and supremely full of confidence.

But before I could even get my arms all the way extended, this sweet baby had twisted around and was reaching for me.

We were golden then.

We enjoyed some buffet grazing... He stored a cracker in the collar of my sweater... We meandered from group to group... At one point he wanted to play on the floor for a bit, so I went back to adult land. But when he was done playing, he crawled through all the grown-up legs until he found mine.

The mom's jaw was on the floor.

I scooped him up and we continued our buffet grazing and cracker storage activities.

There is no gold medal, or badge, or cash reward for bringing regulation to a party. But there are so many other rewards, like confidence, fun, connection, ease, joy, pride, positive interactions, and meaningful relationships – just to name a few.

And though I was literally at a party, this is not just a party trick! This is a way of confidently being with others in any and all contexts.

Would you like to learn how to work with your neurochemistry and teach others how to work with theirs?

We have our annual training coming up January 24. We call it NeuroEmotional Coach Training because we train folks to add this modality to an existing wellness career, or to create a wellness career, but you don't have to be a coach, or even plan on being a coach. We've trained a lot of parents, too...

Any person can benefit from understanding how brain states function, and how to work with them to be more of who we want to be. 

Being a safe place for others – especially children and animals is one of my 'Whys' for keeping up my neuro-emotional practice. What, or who, inspires you to, seek out the tools and practices to be your best self?

Let us know! We love to hear about your life. We read every response!

Much love,
Natalie (and Nathan)

ps. If you'd like to have a chat about whether or not training with us is right for you, just respond to this email and we'll set something up!

You May be New to the Center for Emotional Education

Here's what's coming up next:
___________________________________________________

Dear EQ, What Do I Do?
Emotionally Intelligent Ideas for Life's Challenges
Monthly Support
___________________________________________________

Complimentary "Feel Better Already" Strategy Session
___________________________________________________
 

NeuroEmotional Coach Training
5-Month Training Program

Trivia Challenge: What is hard of hearing AND a quiet talker?

We're wishing you a wonderful day!

Do you ever say something to your partner – maybe it's something about the week's schedule or plans with friends later – and then they respond with something totally and utterly illogical?

So much so, that (for reasons you can't exactly identify but are certain are completely valid...) you want to rip their head completely off?
Or at the very least, you wonder if they still have a grip on reality?
Or if they pay any attention, ever, to anything!?

Maybe it goes something like this:
Partner A: If we're going to have dinner with Jan and Steve before they go to Australia, it would have to be Thursday or Friday night. We can't do Wednesday night because we have that community meeting I'm hosting.

Partner B: Sure. Dinner on Wednesday with Jan and Steve sounds good.

Partner A: (flames and lightning exploding from ears) Are you f-ing serious? I just said WE CAN'T DO WEDNESDAY NIGHT! (full combustion and death-thoughts towards partner)


And then the couple says: Our problem is that we just can't communicate.

But if this couple came to Dear EQ, What Do I Do? and described this scenario, we'd say:

You two aren't necessarily inherently bad at communicating, but Survival Brain sure is!

When we're in an activated (or what a lot of folks call a "triggered") mode, we tend to operate from the Survival Brain State. Check out just some of the elements that make communicating from this state nearly impossible...

From the Survival state:

• Our hearing shifts to be more sensitive to low and high frequencies (like the low thudding and growl of a bear, or the high hiss and crackle of movement in the thicket); and less sensitive to the mid-range frequencies of the human voice.
  This means we literally have a harder time hearing and understanding other people talk to us!
   

• Also, especially if in a Freeze Survival State, we often speak very quietly.
  This means scary predators can't hear us, but it also means our partners can't hear us either!
   

• To make matters worse, we generally use fewer words.
  This brain state is all about silence, grunts, growls, and other guttural sound effects instead of clear, organized words, and cogent sentences. 

To recap, when we're in Survival Mode we basically:

• Can't hear

• Speak unintelligibly

• Don't use enough words

Then we wonder why communication is a challenge!

Next, we do a lot of efforting to "fix our communication problems" by making elaborate plans or holding weekly meetings, etc., etc., etc.. But when emotions run high once more, here comes the Survival State reactions and it's all for naught.



If this couple were members of Dear EQ, they'd hustle to the foundational videos that come with their monthly subscription, and they'd study up on how to move oneself out of Survival Mode!

Because it's not a matter of communicating better while activated, it's a matter of moving out of the activated state into a state that is naturally good at communicating!


What about you? Does the scenario described here sound all too familiar?
We wouldn't be surprised, because this sort of thing is extremely common.

It's not fair that we got born as humans without the playbook for "How Best to Be Human"!

Consider Dear EQ, What Do I Do? as your own personal playbook: 
Throw us any scenario, and we'll plug it into our Emotional Intelligence and Brain Function Calculator and share our experience- and data-driven suggestions for your expert consideration! (We're the experts in our field, and we know you're the expert on you...)

And if you choose not to join us, that's ok too! Everyone learns differently and we trust you completely. In fact, please write us back and share your favorite ways for shifting out of an activated state, we'd love to hear about what works for you!

 

Our next meetup for Dear EQ is this Tuesday, December 19th at 12:30pm Pacific.

🎁 This month our focus is specifically on helping you navigate the holidays... Join us with all your questions about gatherings, and gift-giving, and getting along this holiday season. 🎁

It's that time of year... When the world goes off a cliff! 

But we've got you.

We've made you this non-toxic, earth-friendly gift, specifically designed to help you get through the holidays.

🎁 Enter coupon code HOLIDAYEQ to make December 19th's session only $12! 🎁

(*If you like it, we meet once per month. Your cost is $30 per month. If you don't want to join again next month, just click cancel in your email confirmation. Easy peasy!)


If you're already in, feel free to email us your q's in advance, to love@centerforemotionaleducation.com.


Much love,
Natalie and Nathan

Our Secret Recipe for Real Joy and Effective Action Revealed

How's December been treating you?
How's 2023 been treating you?

It's tough when your plate is piled high with obligations, stress, and busyness, at any time of year. But when we experience it during the holidays it's even worse because there is a sense that we're supposed to slow down, we're supposed to feel extra gratitude, we're supposed to feel extra joy.

It's a lot to ask. 

And then if we widen the lens a bit more – it's really tough when each day there is also more upsetting news: values at risk, people at risk, the earth at risk. The overwhelm, despair, fear, or anger, can feel so huge that they don't leave any room for anything else.

The idea that amidst all this we're also supposed to perform, find positivity, or experience joy, can seem ridiculous if not offensive.

And yet –

If we're going to carry on... If we're going to wash the dishes, scoop the cat litter, decorate the house in holiday cheer because the children love it so, bring food to our neighbor, write our congressperson (again), research non-profit activist groups to support, we can't only be fueled by our discomfort or grief or rage.

Sometimes we get a flurry of things done in this mode, but it always comes at the cost of wear and tear on our bodies and hearts and minds. And what's worse is that we can't keep this mode going consistently or effectively enough to create any kind of lasting difference.

This is not the neurochemical state from which to celebrate the holidays nor to change the world.
 

So here's our Secret Recipe for Real Joy and Effective Action

First, eliminate these two options:
1. Acting from uncomfortable feelings.
2. Bypassing uncomfortable feelings and faking gratitude, joy, and Executive function.

Second, find and name at least three feelings.
These are not the feelings you think you should be feeling, these are the feelings that just are.
Be honest, and be specific. (Feelings list available below)

Third, make friends with your uncomfortable feelings. 
You can:
Invite your uncomfortable feelings to tea.
Sing your uncomfortable feelings a love song, rock song, death-metal song.
Or, write your uncomfortable feelings on your heart and give them sweet caresses.

Sky is the limit here, but for allowing your neurochemistry to fully shift, you want to spend at least 10 minutes with the feelings.

Fourth, look again.
At this point some empowered feelings, like true gratitude, hope, joy, appreciation, power, faith, or determination may start to reveal themselves.
Name and claim those feelings too.

Fifth, take action.
Eat more food.
Make a list.
Scoop cat litter.
Buy a gift because you truly want to.
Call your congressperson (again).
Donate money.

Lastly, give yourself a high five.
This isn't just a cute way to finish the segment.
Celebrating is a brilliant way to put a neurochemical marker on the thing you just did to help your brain remember to do it again in the future.
It also gives you a little more dopamine to keep your focus and drive going as you take the next action(s).
 

One could say this is a neurochemical recipe for a healthy holiday season, but it's also a viable recipe for a healthy life, community, and planet.

If you give this recipe a go, will you let us know how it is for you and how you applied it?

We love hearing about your life.

Love,
Natalie and Nathan

You Could Have An Office Like This!

Did you know Nathan and I met at Tipu's – at the time, the only all vegetarian restaurant in the entire state of Montana? It had the BEST chai you've ever enjoyed. And sometimes for fun during our shifts we'd try to get as caffeinated as possible.

What "fun"! (Insert not-fun facial expression).

We also had a cool, confident, and funny co-worker named Holly, who eventually moved away, but when she came back to visit she shared with us what she'd been up to. As it turns out she had become a Life Coach.

I forget everything about that conversation – where she got her training, what kind of coaching she was doing etc. – but what I do remember, still to this day, nearly two decades later, is how she described her place of work.

She said:
 

I sit out on my deck, with my coffee, amongst the trees and the birds, and talk to people.

This stayed with me.

I do believe this scene painted by Holly was a very powerful seed for what Nathan and I would later create: The Center for Emotional Education. For 17 years now we’ve been supporting incredibly successful people who still struggle with emotional overwhelm, anxiety, and/or depression that consistently gets in their way, robs them of satisfaction, and ruins everything. 

We help our clients learn how to operate their emotional systems, heal long-standing emotional wounds, and rewire their brains to be better at feelings, so they can enjoy better health, easier wealth, and more satisfying relationships.

And, as it turns out, we also created our own cozy office spaces.

Natalie's office includes a low comfy couch and a brown dog!

Nathan's office includes a very devoted tuxedo cat and a view over mountains to the west.

Our mission at the Center for Emotional Education includes training others to become powerful NeuroEmotional Coaches in their own right, helping their own people to have the success they want and deserve.

And these gorgeous humans are stationed in their very own beautiful, personal, cozy offices all over the planet. 

We thought we'd share some of their offices with you, too. 
 

Who knows?

Maybe these snapshots of meaningful work in incredible spaces might just be the seeds that sprout your coaching career.

My cozy corner. - Kate

Here’s my cozy office! A soft mauvey purple rocking/swivel chair with a cozy golden chenille blanket, next to my window where I can hear the birds and watch the changing seasons. A most peaceful spot. – Romy

Here's my cozy year-round office. I like to surround myself with the necessities: earbuds, easy access to information, warm tea, fire, water, lights, easy view of surroundings, scents and textures, anchors and plant friends.

Not pictured: guides and cats that sometimes don't want to be photographed. – Goose

I definitely feel extra lucky to be able to live and work from a sailboat! Pretty fun. I’m including a photo of the cozy little nook where I tend to work most and a picture of me nestled up there.
– Erin

Sitting with some immense gratitude this morning that this can be my office whenever I need it to be. I’ve worked very hard to be able to sit in bed on a chilly Monday morning doing my absolute dream work, NeuroEmotional Coaching. – Shannon

My cozy office :-) – Annique

My office is an oasis of inspiration and calm, I love looking out at the tree and hearing the birds. – Nina

If you're interested in creating your own cozy business and your own cozy office space, you may want to consider becoming a NeuroEmotional Coach.

People need people.
People need you.

We'll be here under our furry animals if you want to ask us some questions about this work!

Much love,
Natalie and Nathan

---

You May be New to the Center for Emotional Education

Here's what's coming up next:
___________________________________________________

Dear EQ, What Do I Do?
Emotionally Intelligent Ideas for Life's Challenges
Monthly Support
___________________________________________________

Complimentary "Feel Better Already" Strategy Session
___________________________________________________
 

NeuroEmotional Coach Training
5-Month Training Program

Two Nerds Caught on Tape!

The other day we woke up to an urgent email from our dear friend and fellow NeuroEmotional Coach, Sue Preneta. Through bleary eyes we read a subject line that got our hearts racing. It said: URGENT, Uncut Video Footage

Somehow one of the foundational videos included in our Dear EQ offering showed over three minutes of uncut film before the actual material began.

Oh dear!

We couldn't logically imagine anything scandalous, but now was not the time for rationality! When a community member reaches out with this kind of urgency it must be bad! We had no memory of loose, unfiltered video material, and now it was up on the internet!

Utterly irrational brainstorming commenced:

Were we accidentally naked?
Yelling at each other?
Badmouthing somebody?

We pulled up the suspicious footage.

It's true, it wasn't meant to be in there.
It's true, there were three loooooooong minutes before we got to the material.
It's true that it was awkward to sit through.

Want to guess what "scandalous" behavior was recorded?

We laughed.
We breathed.
We joked.
We kissed.
We removed a cat hair.
We sat and did nothing.
At one point Natalie tickles Nathan and says: Cootchie cootchie coo!

Because we're nerds. 

Neuroemotional nerds.

We don't just teach about brain states, we actually live according to brain states. Before we teach, facilitate, or anything important, really, we do things to wash out adrenaline and cortisol, and to usher in oxytocin and then dopamine. We want to be as chilled out and Executive as possible, so we allow for time, hydration, breathing, hIgh fives, and kisses.

Yes, we do feel some embarrassment that Sue and maybe a couple others had to sit through those lengthy minutes wondering what the heck was happening. But we also laughed SO HARD when we saw that wholesome, nerdy, pre-show neurochemical maintenance.

It's not an exaggeration to say that we're always thinking about brain states and how to work with them.

Recently, when we noticed that the lady in front of us at airport security unknowingly had her zipper all the way down, we regulated ourselves and then Natalie approached her in an emotionally safe way, with words meant to soothe her nervous system, instead of startle and rattle her. The woman giggled and thanked Natalie and the two had a wonderful moment of connection instead of an awkward Survival Mode exchange.

When we noticed that the grocery clerk was stressed amongst the holiday crowds, we didn't even have to talk about it, we slowed our movements, extended our exhales, stilled our words. By mid-checkout she was sharing a story and we were nodding and offering empathy. By the time she handed us our receipt her shoulders had relaxed, she made smiling eye contact, and let out a long deep breath.

This is why we are loving our new offering Dear EQ, What Do I Do?.

EQ stands for Emotional Intelligence and Dear EQ is all about offering emotionally intelligent ideas for life's challenges.
Like: 
Strangers with their zippers down!
Stressed out grocery clerks (and stressed out people in general)!

Last month we talked about:

• What to do with a difficult father-child relationship

• What to do after accidentally shaming a child when in Survival Mode

• What to do about a sibling moving in with a brand-new (and possibly dangerous) boyfriend

• What to do when on a date and the other person is miffed that you aren't showing enough interest

• What to do about firing someone that is a challenge to work with

What questions will we answer this month?
Who knows!
That's part of the fun... but you can rest assured that every situation benefits when we look through the compound lens of emotional intelligence and brain science.

If you want to nerd out with us, in the best way possible, about your tricky situation, we'd love have you join us!
 

Our next meetup is this Wednesday, November 29th at 1pm Pacific.

If you're already in, feel free to email us your Q's in advance!

Much love,

Natalie and Nathan

(In case you missed it, here's some of our pre-game oxytocin-building antics!)

Want it to Be Better? Do THIS During the Holiday Gathering...

We hope this finds you cozy and in a moment of peace.

Are you someone who likes November?
Some people love this time of year, others loathe it.
Where do you land on this spectrum? 

For many of us, this time of year means holiday gatherings with folks we may not otherwise spend a lot of time with. Sometimes we have great hope that we'll enjoy ourselves and really get to connect with our loved ones. Sometimes we have great dread that we will not have fun, and may experience the same disconnection we felt during past holidays. 

Whether you're sitting with hope or with dread, we'd like to share a suggestion that helps either way! This just might be the trick for greater connection during your next holiday gathering.

Human beings have a massive need to be seen and heard. To be able to share our experience – including the details, concerns, triumphs, pitfalls, dramas, and bloopers – makes life worth living.

Yet at the same time human beings also have massive anxiety around engaging. Our concern that we will offend, appear stupid, seem nosy, bother someone, or not know what to say, keeps many conversations shallow and meaningless.

This means that almost everyone at the holiday gathering is yearning to share and connect, and yet no sharing and no connecting is actually done.

It's a travesty!

So here's our suggestion...

It's simple, but not necessarily easy.

Ready for it?
 

1. Ask a question.

2. Listen to the answer.

3. Reflect back what you heard.

4. Ask an emotion-based follow up question.

Where to start?

Don't get fussed about asking obvious or generic questions. If you follow the formula, any question can lead to connection.

Sample general questions:

• Remind me again what you do for a living?

• Did you get that new stereo equipment?

• What's a typical day for you?

• Do you get outside much?

• Have you traveled anywhere lately?

• What's the latest on your project?

• How old are your kids now?

Sample script:
Question: How old are your kids now?
Listen: (What details can you collect from what they share?)
Reflect: Wow. So two of them are already in high school?!
Emotion-based follow up: How is that for you? 


If you know someone is going through something difficult, or experiencing a loss, don't hesitate to gently ask them about it. Contrary to popular belief, folks often want to talk about their upset, but no one gives them the opportunity.

Sample tender questions:

• I know you lost (insert name), how is your grief?

• I hear it's been tough lately... what's been the biggest challenge?

• Divorce can be so lengthy and stressful, how's it going for you?

Sample script:
Question: I know you lost (insert name), how is your grief?
Listen: (Notice any particular details they share.)
Reflect: Oh wow, that sounds so hard. You two were really close.
Emotion-based follow up: Does the grief cloud every thought you have? Or does it ebb and flow?


Want extra connection? Bonus points for remembering something from a previous interaction and asking a question based on that!

Sample good-memory questions:

• Is your dog still dealing with that skin rash?

• What happened with that big work project? How did it turn out?

• Last I heard you were learning about oil painting, still exploring that?

• I remember you said you were second guessing the flooring in your kitchen, what did you decide?

Sample script:
Question: I remember you said you were second guessing the flooring in your kitchen, what did you decide?
Listen: (What details do they share about this?)
Reflect: Seriously? You had to deal with those contractors for six months?! Woah.
Emotion-based follow up: Gosh, how does it sit with you now? Do you feel recurring stress every time you go in the kitchen?


* Important Caveat
Let's not be in a hurry to insert our own experience, stories, or advice, because interrupting someone else's turn engenders disconnection, and we want connection!

Focus instead on giving turns. Be generous with your attention and listening. Let the oxytocin (the neurochemical of connection) do its magic. Often, when the other person has really been seen and heard, they will naturally become curious about us.  And given the great modeling we have done, they will follow our lead, and ask a question, listen intently, reflect back what they heard us say, and then ask a connective follow up question. 

Who doesn't love that?

Here's to a more connective season.
You can do this!
We're cheering for you.

Love,
Natalie and Nathan


ps. If you choose to follow our suggestion, let us know how it goes! You can reply to this email to give us an update. 

---

You May be New to the Center for Emotional Education

Here's what's coming up next:
___________________________________________________

Dear EQ, What Do I Do?
Emotionally Intelligent Ideas for Life's Challenges
Monthly Support
___________________________________________________

Complimentary "Feel Better Already" Strategy Session
___________________________________________________
 

NeuroEmotional Coach Training
5-Month Training Program

A NeuroEmotional Coach Walks into a Yoga Studio...

Kate Collins*

Kate Collins* here…

I wanted to share a cool thing that happened for me...

This morning I went to a Warm Slow-Flow Yoga class at my local Yoga studio where I used to teach Pilates. I hadn’t been for quite some time and after class an old acquaintance approached me and said something along the lines of:

“Wow. It felt SO amazing to be on the mat next to you.
Your practice has deepened immensely, my gosh!
I could tell how present you were. I was just soaking up your energy and I felt so relaxed and so grounded and so glad I was in the room next to you!
You should hang out with us sometime.” 

I knew very well that the last time she experienced me, I was operating primarily from a disregulated nervous system, and that what she felt from me today was a REALLY regulated one. She liked it. And she wanted MORE. 

I smiled and thanked her for her kindness. I told her: 

“Well, actually, I changed my brain since the last time you saw me!” 

The thing about brain change is it doesn’t happen overnight. It can be messy and imperfect. So when you’re the one doing it, and you’re REALLY in it, you don’t always have your sights on your own change.

And your intimates who are in close proximity to your emotional self, also may not see it right away.

But this person knew me a handful of years ago and then she saw me today, BRAND NEW. A completely expanded version of myself, one that not only felt good to embody on my mat but also, for her, felt really good to be around.  

It was lovely to be witnessed in this way, but also not at all surprising!

I used to be someone who couldn’t manage my own emotional content without relying upon survival reactivity to help me out, and who now, after all of my work with the Center for Emotional Education, am someone who can not only metabolize and integrate everything that’s going on in my own internal world, but I can sit in safety and support of others as they express and experience theirs.

For those of you intentionally working toward more regulation, I see you, I’ve been you, I am you.

Keep going, it’s worth it. 

Love,
Kate



*Kate Collins is a Certified Coach with the Center for Emotional Education. Kate is actually the person who lit a fire under us to create our Certification program, so that she too could help people manage their emotional overwhelm and rewire their brains for greater Emotion Sovereignty. 

You can learn more about becoming a coach, just like Kate, here.
(The next training course starts January 24)

You can apply to work with Kate here.

Dear EQ, What Do I Do?

Our hope is that you are safe and cozy as you read this. 

It's been a rough couple of weeks. With so much heartbreak and panic happening in the wider world, it can be really difficult to have the capacity to figure out how to navigate challenges in your more personal world.

- conversations with loved ones
- holiday plans
- teenager curfews
- etc

We can help with that.

Sometimes, when life is upsetting, we can't always afford the energy or the mental work required to figure everything out, and we just need someone to give us a map with some helpful suggestions that we can follow.

That's our intention with Dear EQ, What Do I Do?. You give us your complicated scenario, and we'll offer you guidance you can choose to follow, that turns a fraught situation into a connective one.

There are just a few hours left to join our neuro-emotional consulting group this month. Want help troubleshooting the tricky social scenarios you are facing these days? 

Dear EQ, What Do I Do? offers monthly interactive sessions where you can describe your particular scenario and get help troubleshooting it through the lenses of emotional intelligence and neuroscience. It's a $30 monthly subscription that comes with community, foundational videos, and the chance to get real hands-on help with specific problems. 

We meet TOMORROW at 9am Pacific. (This is your last opportunity to get in on this month's interactive session. Our next meet-up is Nov. 29.)

If you're feeling stressed about an upcoming decision, trip, event, conversation, or any other tricky interpersonal situation, join right now, bring your question, and we'll offer the best guidance that EQ (Emotional Intelligence) has to offer.

And if you aren't able to join us live tomorrow, no problem. Just sign up, send us a paragraph describing your problem/issue/situation, we'll answer it in session, and you can watch the recording at your leisure.

We'll take good care of you.

Much love,

Natalie and Nathan

Top Tip for Heated Conversations

We hope you're doing alright.

It's been a difficult couple weeks with plenty to feel upset about, hasn't it?

And often when we go to talk with our loved ones, colleagues, neighbors, or family members, the conversations that are supposed to help us figure out a course of action, or be less alone with our thoughts, or just help us feel better – actually have us feeling worse!

Our fellow conversationalists make grossly oversimplified, or dramatically exaggerated claims. They toss out assertions that aren't correct or kind. They generalize so egregiously that we want to throw ourselves to the floor in a tantrum. 

And then when it's our turn, if we get a turn, our fellow conversationalists react so extremely that we end up having to shout to be heard over their reaction. Or they argue with our experience. Or they offer solutions that definitely won't work.

Conversations like this can have us curling up in a ball, and self-exiling to sort through our thoughts and upsets alone.

Here at the Center for Emotional Education, we've been working with neurochemistry and emotion for nearly 17 years. We lead courses for individuals, trainings for groups, certification for practitioners, and offer 1:1 coaching for our clients all over the world — so that we all can move from emotional overwhelm, depression, and anxiety, to Emotional Sovereignty, and finally be able to fully connect with others.

At all times, but especially ones like these, we like to put our expertise to use and help as many people as possible. So today, we're reaching out to share our #1 top tip for heated conversations, so that no one has to sift through these upsets by themselves.
 

#1 Tip for Heated Conversations:
Don't argue with the story.

Humans process experiences and emotions by telling stories. The Emotional Brain System has a strong need to be seen, heard, and understood, and from time immemorial we've been trying to meet these needs through story.

Think back to our caveperson roots – remember how every emotional event was processed through tales told around the campfire?
Yep, we still do that.

Or in our dark ages before social media, even before newspapers, or news – remember, the local town-crier (an apt name...) would broadcast the most emotional and memorable stories of the day?
We're still doing that, too! 


When our Emotional System predicts some feelings coming up (haven't we ALL been feeling massive amounts lately?), then we start telling a story that matches the emotion.

The Emotional System does not care about:

- accuracy
- data
- truth
- actual history
- other perspectives

The Emotional System almost always:

- exaggerates
- dramatizes
- generalizes
- centers self

It does so in an attempt to tell a story that matches with the flavor and intensity of the emotion we are experiencing, and to try to meet the critical emotional needs of being seen, heard, and understood. When this system gets those needs met, then, and only then, will a person begin to process from an Executive Brain State. And only from there can they take into account others perspectives, factor in actual history, cite facts, share complicated truths, and take a larger view of the issue. 

Can you see why these heated conversations so often go awry?

When we try to have rational discussions while one or both parties is operating from the Emotional System we only make things worse - driving miscommunication, disconnection, and upset.

So... when our people start processing their upset by telling their version of what's happening, we:
- don't argue facts
- don't disagree with their timeline
- don't offer a different perspective
- don't ask them to be rational
- don't offer solutions

(Yet...!)

We let them exaggerate, dramatize, generalize, and center themselves.

But we don't stop there!
 

Next we see if we can find the emotions trying to be expressed through the story. 

Can we help them name those feelings?
Can we find empathy for the feelings even and especially when we don't agree with the story?
Can we relate to those feelings and give them and ourselves connection around those feelings?

If so, we begin to experience the flow of oxytocin moving through our systems – the delicious neurochemical of connection, bonding, and safety – our bodies and our hearts soften, and the other person's processing, and ours, begins to shift to the Executive System.

From here we can have nuanced, intelligent, and cooperative conversations.

We invite you to first give this a try with some low stakes topics, like: "Hey family, should we have mac-n-cheese for dinner, or burritos?" and after enjoying multiple successes and more connection in those arenas, bring these skills to some higher-stakes arenas.

We're cheering for you!!


Much Love,
Natalie and Nathan


PS. Want more specific guidance for your specific heated conversations? Consider joining our monthly emotional intelligence consulting group: Dear EQ, What Do I Do?. Our next interactive session is October 25th at 9am Pacific.

Unhelpful Parent Wants to "Help"! What Do I Do?

We hope this letter finds you in a moment of repose.

Right now the leaves are falling outside our window. It's nothing but orange and yellow out there. What's the view like outside your window?

We recently heard about a mother that had posted online asking for some guidance, it went something like this:
 

My mother is wanting to come and help out for an extended period of time after the birth of my next baby.
I have two children already, and they complain that grandma is busy on her phone all the time, making business calls, and it gets in the way of their time together.
I wouldn't mind if my mom came to help... but only if she is actually helpful.

How do I handle this? 

We have a beautiful new offering called Dear EQ, What Do I Do?* starting at the end of this month, so our ears are really tuned into these sorts of queries. Dear EQ is an emotionally intelligent version of Dear Abby, if Abby knew how to work with neurochemistry and brain states!

If this person were in Dear EQ with us, in order to give her the best possible guidance, we would ask:

1. What Brain State is Grandma in when she's busy on her phone instead of being with the grandkids?
(Because that will help determine what solutions are available and if Grandma will be able to receive information, feedback, or a request at all.)
If this person were in Dear EQ with us, she would be able to answer this question because she's studied the foundational videos that come with her subscription.

2. What is your history like with Grandma? Has Grandma always leaned toward distraction or is this new, and not a regular habit?
(Because this will help us understand what historical dynamics and emotions are likely to get in the way of a positive outcome.)

3. How do you feel about this situation? Extreme? Wishy washy? Clear and kind?
(Because this will help us determine what steps this person needs to take before talking to the grandma about this at all.)

4. What goal do you truly have? Do you want the help? Or, do you want to turn down the help but maintain connection?
(Because we can leverage EQ toward any goal. And each individual gets to determine that goal.)

With this kind of powerful data we'd be able to guide this person through the steps required to leverage emotional intelligence, go with the flow of neurochemistry, and more likely get the outcome she's looking for.

We might recommend that this person:

1. Soothe your Fight, Flight, Freeze, Appease mode with the strategies included in your subscription.

2. Determine the feelings involved for you in this situation.

3. Process these feelings using the strategies included in your subscription.

4. Now that you are rooted and in touch with your true self and needs, get clear with what your preference is in this situation with Grandma.

5. Determine Grandma's Brain State using the descriptions included in your subscription.

6. Surreptitiously support Grandma's Brain State until she is operating from an Executive State. (We'd offer some specifics here.)

7. Connect with Grandma, make your request, and then stay in connection, or return to connection, using the tools that come with your subscription.

Have you ever been in a situation like this?
These things sure are tricky huh?

We'd love to hear about the complicated social situations you've found yourself in lately! 

Love,
Natalie and Nathan

*Dear EQ, What Do I Do? is a $30 monthly subscription. Interactive sessions to unlock the power of EQ to help you have more positive social connections.